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Don't want the same things. Causing massive problems. Divorce?

(19 Posts)
howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 14:40:32

We've had the house up for sale for six months.

I want to move an eight min drive into the countryside. DH wants to stay where he is.

I was promised two years ago if I still felt this way two years on, we'd move.

Now that there is interest in our home no house we go to look at is sufficient. We live in a four bed detached home and to be frank we just won't afford the equivalent out there.

This is fundamentally important to me. I wanted to move further away (20 mins) and I've compromised on that, as well as the type of house.

At the end of the day it's clear that he wants totally different things to me and now - after another house viewing failed to get him the remotest bit interested - I don't know where to go with it.

He thinks I 'have problems' and is saying I'm uprooting the family - DS is actually due to start full time school in sept and that's why I put the house on the market in Jan, to avoid that becoming the excuse which it clearly now has.

We aren't talking. I've taken my ring off. I don't feel there's a way back now. We want totally different things out of life.

Has anyone been through similar to this?

Of course I could just steam ahead but that's clearly not fair and I don't want it under those ridiculous circumstances.

PurpleWithRed Sun 28-Jun-15 14:42:24

Any other fundamental differences?

Nolim Sun 28-Jun-15 14:46:46

What are the reasons to want to stay in the area or leave?

howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 14:51:06

Just that he doesn't share my hopes for the future. He has none.

I have a different aspiration of how I want to live life and bring up our children that he doesn't share and it's making me depressed.

Reasons to move - better schools, better surroundings, better prospects for the children and to be honest I'd just be so much happier which would have a knock on effect.

ClashCityRocker Sun 28-Jun-15 14:51:20

I don't think this would be a divorce situation for most people, unless there are other issues coming into play.

Nolim Sun 28-Jun-15 14:53:53

And the reasons not to move?

SquirrelChaser Sun 28-Jun-15 14:54:45

Doesn't sound as though you love him anymore if your initial thought is that differences in housing aspirations means divorce.

howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 14:55:49

Closer to family - although I don't think an eight minute drive is exceptionally far.

DS has started at nursery and his transition to school (not a good one).

Bigger house, less mortgage.

howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 14:57:13

He doesn't love me enough to move and I don't love him enough to stay. I think that's the issue.

Nolim Sun 28-Jun-15 15:00:09

I have a different aspiration of how I want to live life and bring up our children that he doesn't share and it's making me depressed.

Maybe the issue is those aspirations rather than location?

Glitoris Sun 28-Jun-15 15:10:14

Your decision is already made,you know.At no point have you said anything that makes me think you actually want a solution.For most people who are in marriages that they want to save,this issue wouldn't be a total deal-breaker I think.

It happens,and it's called irreconcilable differences.

Candlefairy101 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:15:08

I hated moving as a child sad mum thought she was doing the nice thing by giving us a 'better' house if you know what I mean, it was bigger, more convenient (it was across the road from school) but I hated moving from where I always know ( even tho I was only 8) I still remember my first house and all my friends confused

Candlefairy101 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:17:18

Sometimes if me and my husband are having problems I blame a certain situation, I was convinced that it was our home, said I hate this house I want to move, so we did but it turns out the problems were nothing to do with the house, thy were still there (all sorted now) but I was convinced at the time I had to move because I hated the house x

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:20:40

You want different things. But the problem is that neither of you love each other enough to want to compromise.
In a choice between the move and himself, I think you've already chosen the move. And thats ok, as long as you admit that its not really all about the move. If he upped and went with you, it would soon be somehting else.

howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 15:35:46

I want to come out to a play park not covered in glass while my husband stays inside. Better for all of us. I've tried to compromise but he won't.

Penfold007 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:10:28

I think the move is a red herring. Sounds as though you've checked out of the relationship. What is your moving on plan?

howmuch2015 Sun 28-Jun-15 16:19:05

I don't have one.

Penfold007 Sun 28-Jun-15 19:51:26

Then you seriously need to get one. You have DCs who depend on you.

lifebeginsat42 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:32:17

You need to really think what you want and whether you want to stay in your marriage. It is a massive decision and not easily made but please don't go ahead and buy another house with him if you're not sure. Selling/buying is hugely expensive and once you've made the move it might make it harder for you to separate. Make the decision about your relationship first and then go from there.

It is difficult but if you are moving apart in terms of what you want from life and you can't see how that can be fixed then separating could be the right thing.

I wish you well.

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