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on the verge of divorce over this poor child

(28 Posts)
What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:47:57

Long long story will try and keep it short. Been with DH 11 years married for 2 have 3 dc between 10&3 . When I first met dp healready had a suspected 2 year old. But he had cut all ties as the mum cheated on him and she refused to let him spend xmas day with them as he reckons her bit on the side was there. She also didnt tell him when she registered the birth or when the baby was baptised (did it all behind his back , well this is his story anyway) anyway 5 years passed and he came home with a deductions of earnings from csa on his payslip for £280. He went mad, called csa they saie nothing they could do etc. We got a copy of birth cert and bap cert and another mans name was on there. Tje csa still told us they would only take dna as difinitive proof . Dh called ex and she said she put this other guy on as DH didnt have status at the time to be in UK and she wanted the baby to have a brittish passport. (I personally think this is true) anyway she refused a dna test ( probably scared she done for falsely putting another mans name down) so they closed the case.

Roll on to two months ago (child now 13) get a call out the blue from ex saying child wants to see her dad . Bearing in mind the ex has taken child to see DH's mum twice (all behind my back ) so he has met her twice, told my DC they have a sister, got a fathers day gift from her and she txts him daily "hi dad how are u etc" the ex has txt him twice one was an account number the other asking him to get her a new phone
hmm I dont have a problem with this after all he has missed out a lot and supported our 3 and is a very good dad to them. But I just feel its all going very very fast and im worrying about the effect it will have on my 10year old. He has now changed his wassap pic from our 3 children to this ither child (my 10 year old has him on her wassap) and its causing a massive dark atnosphere in the house. He is shrugging it off and acting on top of the world that this child is back in his life calking him dad but I know this sounds selfish but I feel like he has dropped us after all these years and us in his own little happy bubble confused

sparechange Tue 23-Jun-15 13:52:08

flowers This sounds like a really tough situation
Has he actually established if the child is his? Is there any resemblance at least? Does the man named on her birth certificate have any involvement? Does the mother have a partner?

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:55:08

I can see a slight resembalance. He says he will do dna but doesnt want to rush it (I dont believe him) I dont think the man named does have any involvement and im not sure if she has a partner ? She had a 1 year old also but dont know if she is with the dad or not

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:56:22

He doesny understand why I am struggling with this , im already on anti anxiety medication but when I tell him I cant deal with this he goes mad

sparechange Tue 23-Jun-15 13:59:13

When you say the CSA closed th case when the mother refused a DNA test, do you mean they stopped taking maintenance?

Because if he hasn't paid anything for 13 years, first off, if he is sending daily messages calling himself 'daddy', I'd expect a bill for 13 years of back payment very soon.
And there is nothing stopping the mother stopping contact as quickly as she started it, and that having a huge impact on your DCs and the other daughter.

You need to sit down with DH and find out what he wants from this, and he needs to sit down with his ex and see what she wants from his. There needs to be a gradual process here. He can't just introduce her, play happy families and act like she has been here all along.

SycamoreMum Tue 23-Jun-15 14:01:23

He's not being fair at all. He should take your feelings and you children's feelings into account and not go mad or brush things off. What an awful situation. Sorry op.

Also don't think divorce. Too negative right now. thanks

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:08:02

There is no way on earth he will talk to the ex! I have tried to sit and talk and all he says is " im going slowly I dont want to rush but he is bloody rushing !" Well they stopped taking maintenance but closes case in may. The day he got the letter saying they are closing case is the day the ex rang (coinsidence much?) Personally I hope she does shop him for the csa again cause I tell u something im not helping his arse out of this one this time

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:13:35

Can the csa find our housenumber? Its in his name

sparechange Tue 23-Jun-15 14:30:23

Phone number? I suppose if you aren't ex directory, they could. Or ex could find it and give it to them.

He CANNOT start a daddy-style relationship with this child without having a conversation with his ex! He needs to find out what her expectations are. Does she want him to have access/holidays/to meet your family.
You need to be pet of that conversation as well.

Would you be able to make contact with her or would that be a red rag to him?

Penfold007 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:34:16

OP you and he need to tread carefully. If he accepts responsibility for this child even without DNA evidence and the mother claims or has claimed DWP benefits at any time your DH will find himself paying ongoing child support and 13 years of backpayments as well.

It can and does happen, I'm currently working with a client who has just got a £40K backdated CSM bill.

You need to protect you and your children.

lem73 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:35:30

I think this is disgusting behaviour. The ex has messed around with so many different people to suit her own agenda. I'd be really concerned about a sudden demand for backdated maintenance so I'd try to get be proactive and get the DNA done.

Damnautocorrect Tue 23-Jun-15 14:40:21

There's no way in a month of Sunday's should your kids have heard about this other girl until a dna test has been done. Let alone the rest of it. Imagine if she's not his and your kids know all about her, met her and all the rest of it. He needs to sort this now before he does any more damage

Damnautocorrect Tue 23-Jun-15 14:42:43

I'd sell it that she's fucked about before, she can do it again. But this time she'll mess your kids up as well as him.
He should get this legally screwed down with contact and maintenance so she can't do it again.

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:43:10

Ive told him all of this but he seems to be on cloud9 at the moment !

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 14:47:15

Our house is hell at the moment and he seems to not give a shit about our kids I personally think.its a culture thing im english they are not

sparechange Tue 23-Jun-15 14:47:31

Does he realise this could cost him over £40k?
I'm guessing that if he baulked over £280 a month, you don't have that sort of money just lying around (and who does?!) to hand over to someone he isn't even prepared to have a conversation with.

If he really won't engage with you, can you go and see a family solicitor and get them to put in writing what the implications would be if he carries this on, and show him the letter?

The consequences for his relationship with you and your DC are on top of that, but something needs to shock him into reality.

Viviennemary Tue 23-Jun-15 14:52:45

This is a very tough situation for you. I'm not sure I could accept the way it has been dealt with. The ex sounds less than principled the way she dealt with the birth certificate issue alone. I agree the ex sounds toxic. Not sure how to deal with this as you don't sound as if you reall want to separate. But he either deals with it in a sensible way or else chaos is going to continue.

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:00:42

I just dont know what to do he wont listen Ithink he just thinks he can see her now and again slip her 20 quid ans carry on as normal.

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:05:36

Tbh I hope they do catch him out then he will get a slap in the face like I did

sparechange Tue 23-Jun-15 15:17:39

On s practical level, are your finances arranged fairly?
Is the house in joint names so he can't hand over equity, are debts in joint names and what would you do if he stopped paying etc

Protect yourself OP flowers

What2do1984 Tue 23-Jun-15 18:09:29

No we rent he isnt on the tenancy , no debts only my bank overdraft

What2do1984 Wed 24-Jun-15 15:43:56

He is moving out today. We just cant seem to come to an amicable agreement over all of this.

Damnautocorrect Wed 24-Jun-15 17:08:17

What an absolute idiot, all over a child that might not be his. I hope he comes to his senses soon

sparechange Wed 24-Jun-15 18:52:13

OP, so sorry to hear that flowers
He is going to wake up one day and realise what a cataclysmic idiot he has been

Penfold007 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:15:35

OP I'm truly sorry it has come to this. Stay strong for your children.

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