I hate myself....(4 Posts)
Hi - not sure why I am posting on here, can't really talk to anyone and just need to get some stuff out.
I am a 35 yr old single mum of a 2year old daughter. I was married and with her dad for 10 years until 7 months ago. Before we met I was confident with mind and body, despite having a challenging upbringing. I had a very healthy sex life with my ex boyfriend before husband (avg 4 times a week, mix of making love and quickies - but always very intimate and passionate).
I now feel like I have been in a daze for 10 years or walking through fog, because it's sounds crazy as I talk about it - for 10 years my husband has never kissed me or wanted to have sex. We only have my daughter because I had to beg him to have sex and calculated the right time to do it. I am sure that in 10 years we have had sex less than 20 times and most of those times involved no kissing. When it came to sex or intimacy he would be shy and giggle like a 12 year old boy. I did everything I could to make him comfortable and feel confident but nothing ever worked. When we did have sex, that literally was all it was, there was absolutely no foreplay and he would not let me give him BJ's (I am one those odd ones that actually likes giving them).
I am a curvy size 12 and not hidious to look at with an ok figure (10 years ago I would even go as far to say I may have been considered 'hot'!). After 10 years of rejection and no desire I have lost all my confidence. To make things worse, unfortunately pregnancy was not kind to my body and I am left with deep deep scars (not just stretch marks - my skin is like corregated iron) all over my body, entire stomach, hips, legs, breasts and I look like I have dragon skin. I am mixed race also, so the silvery stretch mark bits just stand out even more on my skin. I think am disgusting and can't imagine any man ever wanting me.
6 weeks ago, I had my first bit of office flirting and 4 weeks ago, still can't believe I did this, desire got the better of us and we had sex after having kissed a few nights before. It was amazing, both the sex and the kissing. But I have cried most nights since because, I remember the look on his face when he saw my stomach - and needless to say we have not done anything since. It brought back so many memories from my ex boyfriend and previous relationships and has really made me realise how wrong my marriage was and that in some way it was emotionally abusive (it's sounds too dramatic using that word, but I feel so damaged) I am so embarrassed now, and just feel worse about myself.
I am just so sad because is am not, and have never been, important to anyone. I am so lonely, I have no family around, my ex husbands family hate me (I stole their little boy). My ex is a good dad and loves our girl but he does not seem concerned about taking care of her, he has never asked to have her overnight, he only lives 5 minutes away, but he has 4 times in 7 months, at my suggestion. He sees her about 3 times a week but it is generally a visit over at my house, no responsibility at all. I have few friends but they are good ones, but I don't dare tell them how I really feel as I am couldn't stand to get that look or risk losing them. I put on a happy face every day, to the outside world I am funny, smart and full of confidence. I don't want my baby to feel the way I do or to have it affect her. But putting an act all the time is so tiring. I work full time and have no time to myself, although even if I did have some time I would have nothing to do and no one to see.
I think I am a good person, I'm always there for my friends and generally put others before myself. I don't know why I am so unloveable, my ex boyfriend left me because 'I was too nice', my ex husband now admits that he never loved me and only married me so that he would have a lifelong companion. I have a role reversal thing going on with my parents and older brothers, I spend most of my time counselling them and mediating with their family feuds.
I just want to be happy alone and not need anything or anyone. I want to accept my situation and not have to pretend every day.
I can't change other people or what they think of me, all I can do is change myself but where do I start? I can't look at myself or my body, I can't be miserable and cry in front of people or my baby, what else can I do!?
I don't expect any answers or replies, I just needed to get this out x
Rayray, I'm sorry you feel like this. Your OP was so sad, but you really aren't without hope.
You are obviously a sexual person, and you have desire - and have been desired. The new man found you attractive didn't he? Not that that should be a measure of your worth.
Your XH withholding sex is a form or control and emotional abuse - don't underestimate how damaging this can be. I had 5 years of it myself. They make us hate ourselves - they don't want us, but we feel so hideous no-one else will want us surely?
I saw some trite quote on FB or something - it said 'your value doesn't decrease because someone can't see your worth'. It stayed with me.
Our bodies are lived in (quite literally). We are what we are. It's hard not to get hung up on it (I hate my breasts after breast feeding four DCs). We are battle-scarred.
First think I think you should do is see your GP and discuss your psychological and physical concerns.
I also think you should consider that you have been in an emotionally abusive marriage and maybe now you are at a point where you could start to heal?
I wish I had really good advice for you, I'm sorry I don't. Please don't hate yourself, you are loved unconditionally by your child and I hope that will give you strength to draw from. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.
Poor you. I hope you can sort it out. It sounds like seeing your GP might be a good idea, may be taking up something physical like running might help too and even something simple like next time keeping the light off when you have sex or wearing a very sexy black corset could easily solve the body issue!
How are you doing OP?
You might want to ask MN to move this to the chat topic, or relationships, where there is more traffic and you'll get a better response and more support.
I hope you are ok.
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