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It's all my fault and feeling guilty.

(6 Posts)
Scottishbelle Tue 16-Jun-15 14:02:01

Hi, long time lurker but I was wondering if anyone had any advice.
I have been with my oh for six years. About six weeks in to the relationship I fell pregnant and we decided to go ahead with the pregnant resulting in our gorgeous daughter.
The thing is, six years down the line any romantic feelings towards him have gone. He's a fantastic father and boyfriend but I do not find him attractive.
I distance myself from any couples time and we have had sex a handful of times in three years. I know im making him unhappy, hes lonely and upset and he just wants his family. But I want him to go and be happy, I know it will be hard for him but I can't put him through 20 years of me not giving 100%. He doesn't really have any friends or family here, and I'm worried he will end up resenting me anyway. I just can't say the words "I'm not in love with you".
We both worship our daughter, is it worth sucking it up and trying to get the feeling back for the sake of our little family?

twomanycats Tue 16-Jun-15 15:08:54

Hello, I am recently separated, not my choice, and it's the most awful time of my life so I would say try everything you can to see if there is a way around splitting up but not at anyone's expense, we all do only have one shot at life but lots of opportunities to change things along the way if they're not working. Any opportunity for an honest, kind conversation? My children are doing really well too which I would never have considered at the start of my breakup - they've surprised me along this journey so far and I'm sure with great access and conversation your daughter will have the best of both of you. Tough decisions....hope it all works out for you.

cannotseeanend Tue 16-Jun-15 18:27:49

You want HIM to be happy? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like YOU want to make yourself happy by leaving him and making him unhappier and especially your child unhappy.

Scottishbelle Tue 16-Jun-15 23:19:08

Of course I am trying to make myself happy in the process. I'm miserable not being in love with him and I'm sure it's no walk in the park for him. I want us both to have the chance to find love that doesn't require work to stay alive. So what your saying is stick with the relationship for the sake of our child, regardless of how unhappy I am making him. I should keep living a lie?

thatsnotmynamereally Wed 17-Jun-15 07:00:41

scottish I'm currently 25+ years into a marriage, I can identify with how you feel, I never really felt any rush of love or attraction for H but thought we could make a good team, then we had 2 kids (both fabulous and both unplanned, all focus and energy was on them for 20 years) and now I'm desperately unhappy. H is abusive, shouty, bossy, etc but I've always wondered if I've made things worse by my underlying lack of love for him. Can you talk to him about how you feel? Could you talk to a counsellor? I feel now in some way (although my H is clearly abusive and probably always was) that I'm looking for a reason to leave him, to point the finger at some fault of his, which perhaps isn't fair on him. I think you're being quite brave to admit to yourself that things aren't great.

ShebaShimmyShake Wed 17-Jun-15 22:32:42

You can't serve from an empty vessel and you can't keep others warm by setting yourself on fire. You won't make anyone happy by making yourself unhappy. You can maintain an amicable and civil relationship with him and a relationship with your child without staying in a relationship that's killing you.

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