Can't agree child contact(14 Posts)
Hello, I can't work out what is unreasonable and would love some impartial thoughts.
I recently separated from my husband. He won't move out so I did. I was staying with family but am now moving into a rented place. We are joint owners of house. But I don't think it would work being separated and us living together.
My husband wanted to see our child fri night to sun night every week and during his annual leave. I asked if we could share weekends sometimes but he says no.
I work three days a week and he is suggesting he has our child weekends and those three days. He works long unpredictable hours so won't ever be able to drop her off at nursery although sometimes he will be able to pick her up. So he's suggesting his mother moves into our house and drops her off and picks her up.
I don't think this is a sensible solution. But am I missing it? Deep down part of me is worried because he's always said if I leave he would get sole custody. He would keep the house and his mother would move in and care our child. So I am worried this is part of his plan. Maybe I'm paranoid.
I have said if he finishes work early he could pick daughter up from nursery and give her tea. I also think it's fine for him to have her when he is on annual leave and at the weekends. I just want some weekend days (eg one day out of 6).
Maybe I should add. My husband is paying me maintenance. I pay all the nursery fees. I have stopped paying towards our house as I can't afford to rent somewhere as well.
I wouldn't agree to every weekend either. You then end up being the parent who enforces homework and chores and never has fun weekend time.
Every other weekend and suggest a midweek overnight stay, he'll need to arrange for drop off / pick up at nursery.
Why does he think every single weekend is sensible? He'll want occasional free weekends too
How old is your daughter, and who has been the main carer up to now? While she is at nursery, I can see an argument for him having weekends, on the basis that she gets two full days with you when you're not working. But that arrangement would absolutely not work once she starts school.
As for the days when you work, are you able to do drop off and pick ups? If so, it seems silly for her to be cared for regularly by a GP when a parent is able and willing. How much time would your ex actually spend with her on those days?
I wouldn't agree to anything over 50% as that makes him resident parent by default. How he does childcare in his time is up to him but I wouldn't agree to his dm doing your childcare especially if it is where he lives as this could add weight to any residence agreement in future. Residence also affects child benefit and tax credits as are paid to resident parent and will affect maintenance as it is paid by non resident parent.
I also wouldn't agree to every weekend either as that means he gets all the fun and you get all the hassle.
You also need to factor in the age of your DC and how they cope with dusruption.
You could do every other weekend one or 2 mid week nights plus half school holidays with each of you having 2 full weeks by prior arrangement or a more complicated arrangement like week 1 from night sat night Sunday till tea with him plus 1 or week nights week 2 fri night sat till tea with him plus 1 mid week nights, week 3 sat night sun till tea with him plus 1 mid week night, week 4 all weekend with you plus 1 mid week night, which gives you both one full weekend every 4 weeks and one weekend on your own with the other 2 shared.
Also I'd only agree to an arrangement I would be happy for the foreseeable future, if you start a precedent of every weekend for him then you'll have a fight changing it later when your DC starts school, as he will be settled in a routine and it works etc.
I also wouldn't agree to every weekend.
Our arrangement is:
Week 1: Sunday 6pm- Wednesday 12pm with mum, Wed 12pm to Saturday 9am with Dad
Week 2: Sat 9am- Wed 12pm with mum, Wed 12pm- Sun 6pm with Dad.
Ex got a flexible working agreement to be able to do school runs on his days.
What is happening with the house? Have you had legal advice about that? I did what you did and I regret it immensely.
HeadDoctor - I also moved out as XH wouldn't and am regretting it financially as XH and OW are now refusing to give me half the value of the house as agreed. How about you?
OP - I wouldn't agree to every weekend either.
We haven't discussed the house yet. I am dreading it.
He won't listen me about alternate weekends. I don't know what to do. Do I just say no and refuse? If I do I am worried he'll not give her back.
I can see at the moment every weekend is fair as my daughter is only at nursery 3 days a week, but once she starts school this won't be so fair on me.
At the moment I don't regret moving out because I am feeling free. However, I am sure I will start regretting it soon! My finances are so tight as I cannot get housing benefit because I technically have a house (which is fair enough). He is giving me some maintenance but my rent will be higher than our mortgage for a much smaller place and I am paying all the nursery fees. I just can't get him to understand my point of view.
OP get legal advice.
Don't say no, give him an alternative in writing. If your worried he won't return your DD you really do need legal help.
Perhaps 50/50 solution? Then you would get 50% of weekends.
I only regret moving out because of the battle over finances. It's been 3 years and I still really value my freedom! It's worth being skint not to have to live with him anymore :-D
You need legal advice. Every other weekend/ 1 or 2 nights in the week is standard - I wouldn't allow a precedent to be set of him having 3 says in the week, and every weekend - it would make him primary carer.
Before long your child will be at school, so make a long term plan with this in mind -Don't let him bully you - it's very possible that he is planning to get residency to punish you for leaving.
Plus - you will want a whole weekend with your child when she goes to school, you may want to go away with her, or whatever. Don't agree to him having more weekend time than you.
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