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DH left 7 months ago and still refuses to communicate...

(19 Posts)
breakthru8 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:31:14

DH left beginning of November 2014 following first conversation 10 days prior. I initiated that conversation asking "Do you still love me?" He answered "I don't know", which then became "No, I don't see a future for us and I don't want to try to fix our marriage." It was brutal.

We have been together for 18 years, married for 12 with 3 DCs aged 9,4 and 3. Although I knew he was unhappy, it hit me like a train.

Have tried everything; reasoning, begging, getting angry, crying... have been through the utter devastation phase, probably still in the anger phase and desperately trying to push myself forward.

The bit that I have found so hard is that he failed to communicate at all with me about his feelings and that he simply made up his mind and left without giving us one chance to fix things.

He says that he has fallen out of love and doesn't believe enough in the relationship to want to try to fix it.

Since he left, he has given us money and regularly seen the DCs. He is a good Dad which has made it all the more incredible that he just would walk out on them.

Have asked many times if there is a OTW, he says not; that there has been no physical relationship with anyone or an emotional one. He has been so brutally honest about everything else that I do believe him.

I have been to see a lawyer. I am moving on with my life. I do still love him but have lost respect and trust for him. I think that after 18 years of love, friendship and 3 kids we deserved at least an effort but he does not and so I know I have to accept that.

The difficulty I'm having is in communicating with him. He is so cold, mechanical and distant and has been since day 1. Many have asked if this is a mid-life crisis. It is a crisis of some sort but we still have to speak for the sake of the DCs.

How do I deal with him speaking to me like I'm a stranger? I keep on wanting to have these deep conversations about our relationship not even to try to fix it now but just so that we can move on to being friends of some kind.

Please don't tell me it takes time. I know this. I'm just at a loss as to who he is. I feel like he has rewritten our history together in his head and all the good times including who I was to him have been scored out.

He lost one of his parents 4 years ago and never ever spoke about it. The only emotion he has shown has been about this and another bereavement and about him not 'wasting' his life, finding happiness, choosing a route where both his head and heart can be 'in harmony'.

Sorry this post is so long... Any help/advice/experience on this would be v welcome xx

mrsdavidbowie Sun 14-Jun-15 12:35:54

Sounds like my ex except he initiated the "is there a future for us" conversation and I said no.
He then went into business mode.. Told me he was treating me as a failed business venture and initiated divorce. We were divorced five months later and communicate sporadically by text.

I was quite happy with that as I had had years of EA and the fact tgat he never wanted to discuss my reasons for feeling marriage was over, spoke volumes.

clam Sun 14-Jun-15 12:38:24

Gosh, that must be hard. The only positive I can see is that at least he's not sending any mixed messages. Maybe he thinks, in a warped way, that if he were to be kind and gentle towards you, you might think he's regretting his decision.

breakthru8 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:48:23

Wow...that is harsh. I hope you have rediscovered lots of the joys in life since your divorce. I know I have, even pre-divorce. He has been so miserable and joyless and I do want him to be happy and if that means being away from me n DCs then so be it. When I asked him if he was happier since he left he responded he was "stronger at being on my own" not that he was happier. But he has definitely made up his mind we are over so I must move on for me n DCs...

breakthru8 Sun 14-Jun-15 12:51:29

Clam, I think you're right. I think he thought marriage was like a band-aid and that if he pulled it off really fast it would hurt less! I guess I have to just try and be as business like as him.

Flangeshrub Sun 14-Jun-15 13:36:39

My situation is almost identical. Married 10 years 3 DC, overnight change - I no longer love you and a cold business like approach. There was OW temporarily but that split quickly and I think he used her as an excuse to get out of the marriage.
He gives me money and remains a great father.
But I no longer know who he is or even who he WAS. I thought he was a nice person. He is an absolute stranger looking back at me and has been since January 3rd this year.
No advice but is horriblehmm

breakthru8 Sun 14-Jun-15 13:59:26

Hi Flangeshrub, thanks for posting, it does help to know there is someone else out there in the same situation as you.

I just think this is all about HIM. I'm not saying that there are not things I could have done better or changed and improved about myself and our marriage but he never allowed us that.

I find we get on best if we don't talk about anything to do with what has happened or emotions. And I am happiest rediscovering some of the the things I forgot about life, like music and going out to gigs and having FUN!

Weirdly, he now walks and has this way of acting like he did when we first met as young adults... It's strange.

I find the acceptance bit the most challenging but I know I have to accept his decision and move on. He basically said on the phone last night that I still wanted him back and I said, how do you know what I want, you've never asked because we don't communicate! Plus, today I'm honestly not sure what I would say if he arrived at the door and begged to come back. I've lost respect for him and I don't know who he is. I don't think we have the same values anymore...

LotusLight Mon 15-Jun-15 07:49:56

I have been on the other side after a 20 year marriage, having to tell the other person you want a divorce (when no other lover involved). It is the hardest thing I have ever done as you know what impact it is going to have on your spouse who has been thinking all is well.

I did not want it to be like those people who have a mee3ting to sack someone at work who comes out thinking they've been promoted so I kept it very matter of fact and clear - this is the decision, this is what will happen. Not I have started to feel happy but we can work it out as I did not want an iota of hope to be shown so I can understand the other halves whose wives are posting on the thread putting it in a clear fashion like that. For the person who does not want to stay married it is of course a lot easier (not dead easy of course but easier).

In fact most splits and divorces are initiated by women so I am actually the typical one rather than those on the thread who are women who have had a man break up with them.

I think you want to talk about it in depth and that might be something you could do with a psychologist/therapist as there is no legal duty on a departing ex to talk about it although I was more than happy to discuss it. We did discuss it as he refused to leave on legal advice until full decree absolute, court finances consent order and transfer of nearly £1m to his bank and house put into my sole name. That took 7 months so. Lawyers tend to advise the person leaving not to leave the home for legal reasons.

People do cease to want to be married to other person. I think in our case it would have been obvious to anyone there were problems but two people in a couple can see things in very different ways.

As a lawyer I would also advise people on the thread who are splitting up to consider the legal position and particularly money. Keep and get copies of all P60s and P45s, marriage certificate, pension details of both spouses, latest bank statements, bank account numbers if you do not have those things already as they can be quite hard to get once you've split up and always consider money early . Most people cannot afford two homes on one wage so going back to full time work tends to be necessary post divorce unless you're divorcing a multi millionaire.

breakthru8 Tue 16-Jun-15 22:05:44

Meeting with DH this week to go through paperwork in preparation for divorce. Have made a determination that I will keep it purely business like and not engage in any "feelings/relationship" chat at all. It is better that way as we are speaking 2 different languages and have been since he left.

I want to end this post positively by outlining the good things that have come of him leaving -

I feel much closer to the kids/connected with them, loving them for 2 parents has bonded us even tighter together

I lost 10 kilos, I feel more like "me" and realised carrying extra weight post 3 kids had badly affected my self image

I can dress in a way I'm happier with now

I can go out and have FUN, do stuff DH would have always been unenthusiastic about

I have rediscovered the joy of music

I am planning exciting stuff like our first family beach holidays

I got waxed in places I never would have (not that anyone is sharing in the results wink)

I have decided I will be financially independent of DH by earning what I know I'm worth by reigniting my previous career

I know I can do anything and be anyone I choose to be and I don't have to run it by anyone at all ever again!!

In short, for 6 months I have been drowning in a sea of my own tears waiting to hit the ocean floor, thinking surely I can't go down any further, yet I did. Now I am finally coming up for air and it feels liberating and exciting....

Winter always turns to Spring smile

DragonsCanHop Wed 17-Jun-15 22:42:03

That is a lot of positives there smile

I wish you and your DC well, nothing worse than some one dragging you down every day, your last post reads free and happy flowers

breakthru8 Wed 17-Jun-15 23:36:17

Thanks Dragons Can Hop (love the name!) Real test will be tomorrow when we meet to discuss divorce.

Not seen DH in 5 weeks (wonderful Mum has been dealing with DCs handovers) and am determined to remain bright, smiley and unfazed.

Wish me luck grin

Georgethesecond Thu 18-Jun-15 12:54:44

Good luck, OP.
Hope all goes well with your discussions today.

Toffee1234 Tue 23-Jun-15 15:33:54

Experienced similar. There will be an other woman. Sorry. Don't contact him and remember him as the guy who never faced into issues and walked away.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 23-Jun-15 15:43:16

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how much a man can change once he's exited the relationship. It's like you never really knew him, isn't it?!

And that's the truth, tbh - because you only knew part of him, the part that blended well with you in your relationship. We all do it to some extent - suppress the parts that don'twork well in the relationship and build more on the ones that do - because we love the other person and want to be comfortable with them, and them with us. Once one person has "left" the relationship, however, that suppression is no longer required by them - so traits that didn't work in the relationship come to the fore, and others that were enhanced by the relationship are no longer needed, so fade away. Hence the feeling that the other person has changed beyond all recognition - they haven't really, they've just readjusted their personality traits.

Helluva shock though!

I do also suspect that another woman is in the background, because nothing really engenders a rapid switch like that so well as having someone new around. sad And I wouldn't discount it on the basis that he's been brutally honest in other ways - brutality to you is part of his "new persona" - he no longer needs to pull his punches when dealing with you. But telling you there's another woman? Well that might affect his comfort in ways he's not ready for, so he's not going to do that. It's all about his comfort now, for him. You being sad makes him uncomfortable, he doesn't like to feel uncomfortable, so he hardens his heart against you and changes the way he thinks about you such that you are just a PITA now, an annoyance he has to put up with but not actually care about any more. sad

It really is all about him, and not you. thanks

Cassawoof Sat 27-Jun-15 17:06:11

breakthru8 I had exactly the same happen to me in September 2014. And I am going through everything you have experienced. I tried to understand it all, to reason with him, to change his mind. And now he is completely cold with me, and I've actually don't nothing wrong to him, but be sad and admittedly a bit needy. I don't understand how he can walk away from his beautiful DCs (5 and 8) so easily.

And mine has also rewritten history. I know things were not great but not to give me even a chance to fix it. It's hard. Like you I am trying to be amicable as we have kids together, but he seems to hate me now, and I can see Ive done nothing to deserve this but be inconveniently upset and make him feel a little bit bad. Much nicer not to see me.

I find it ironic they say it's better for kids not to grow up in an unhappy home, well they are in one now living with me sad

Well done for dealing with this well though, your positive post was good to read.

breakthru8 Fri 10-Jul-15 00:11:44

A short update especially for you Flangeshrub and Cassawoof... I am just back from a fantastic 10 day beach holiday, first one without DH. Seriously it was fab. I will never ever go without a proper holiday for as long as I did for the last few years of my marriage.

Yes there were tough moments, like seeing happy in love couples; especially seeing Dads playing with their kids. But I just kept on thinking this is what he has chosen to miss out on, all these special family moments. And no, they cannot be made up in one weekend every 14 days but that is his choice.

And now I am making my choices. I read a fantastic book called Shut Up Move On (SUMO) and I would thoroughly recommend it.

I made a 21 point bucket list of all the things I am going to do before I leave this planet. And I have found that hugely helpful. When I can't stop the broken record in my head of ... why, how could he leave, why is he being so mechanical and cold with me... I am now focusing on what I want to achieve today and tomorrow and how I will make it happen.

I saw him after our holidays and I determined to be happy, smiley and again unfazed and I could see him looking at me like he used to. I do not hold false hope. I'm not sure I even want him back...

But either way, I know I have to find happiness and show him I can and WILL be happy without him.

Event plus reaction equals outcome. He may have left me and DCs but how I react will affect the outcome. So no more talk with him of emotion or lack of communication. Every time I see him I will smile, look amazing and be happy.

And eventually I will totally forgive him in my heart which will set me free smile

Sweetsecret Sat 11-Jul-15 17:25:57

Yes I feel the same about my STBXH, it's almost like the man I was married to has died, and there is this guy who pops round to see my children who looks like him but it isn't the man I married.
He is doing fine where I am flailing, not doubt because he has left me looking after the children and he pops round and takes them out for fun days whereas I deal with the day to day slog of being a parent. (not that I am bitter)wink
No advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone feeling like this.thanks

breakthru8 Mon 13-Jul-15 23:32:20

Thanks for sharing your experience sweetsecret. I am learning to bite my tongue in a way that frankly I never ever have done in the past. It is our DS birthday this week and he tells me he may not be able to come in the evening because of his sporting commitments. It is shocking but sadly not surprising. DH'S selfishness really is that far gone!

But I just keep thinking he will reap the consequences of his actions; he is already. And the sad thing is I think he knows it but it doesn't change one thing.

In a sense it makes moving on easier because I want a partner that truly believes in the value and joy of family. I thought he was that man but he is not.

Learning to master your emotions is tough but it does pay off. I have been a victim to mine for 8 months, well, no more!

I have stuck to my "remain happy whenever in his company" and its working for me. We acquired 2 new family pets this week against his 'advice'; like he should still have a say! It's like he still wants an element of influence on our day to day life even although he has cut himself off so cleanly from it.

Well thanks but no thanks. Onwards and upwards I say grin

breakthru8 Wed 05-Aug-15 01:31:21

So ThumbWitchesAbroad and Toffee 1233 you were both spot on. There has been another woman on the scene for 8 months, probably more. What a total and utter liar. He lied over and over again. Unbelievable. Talk about getting closure. Still trying to keep things fair for the kids but seriously. What an idiot.

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