Emotionally drained..advise please?(9 Posts)
Hi I've been with my hb 15 years and married for 5, we have a 9 yr old together and my 15 yr old from a previous. We used to have a good life we were happy and content never really argued, Im quite ambitious whereas hes happy with his work not very driven although works hard.
Since we got married things seemed to change he would complain about lack of sex (usual for a man?!) so I stopped taking pill to bring back libido on the provision he wore condoms well its the old excuse can we start without etc, so I got pregnant - came as a blow as I didn't want any more kids and neither did he, so decided to terminate - I resented him for this as I didn't want to be in that situation.
Anyway I got a better job and we moved to a bigger house, we could afford it on paper but as he was always at work longer evenings and weekends I spent all my money on kids and food shopping etc, and I felt miserable as I would be on my own all the time as him at work and kids out doing stuff, I felt like his surrogate mother as I worked all week, all housework etc and cleaning up after him, I tried to speak to him but all I got was 'well Im paying for you to live here' 'stop moaning' he wouldn't take me seriously and thought sex would patch it up.
It came to a head last year our 5th yr anniversary I decided it should be celebrated as a milestone so I booked us a hotel away to try and spice our sex life up (as I thought it was me!) it was a disaster. As soon as we got there he wanted a 'shag' no romance, no card, flowers, I was really upset. I ended up drinking too much and was very ill so we left early next morning. I felt empty, and on a treadmill.
I met someone at work which was wrong but it gave me the strength to recognize I needed to get out, so I announced to my hb that I didn't love him last Nov, we had a very awkward time over xmas where I think hb thought I would snap out of it but he just didn't understand where I was coming from! He just said I was making up excuses!! He just doesn't think and is emotionally inept!
I eventually moved out in rented in May and luckily accepted an offer on the martial home same time, I feel happier in a way.
Guy from work (18 yrs older than me) is still on scene says he loves me and wants to be with me but I just don't know, I like being with the kids and on my own; can be a bit lonely. Then I have hb texting me swearing and blaming me for leaving him then in other texts asking for sex again thinking its going to sort marriage out saying he wants me, hes buying a house round the corner from me and asking me to move in!!....its all very draining and I don't know what to do...
Sorry for long post but wanted to set the scene..
What exactly do you want advice on?
If you feel harassed by him, you can reduce contact to a minimum, block his phone, change numbers and communicate through email alone. Don't reply to his messages. If it gets too much, then tell him to stop contacting you and if he doesn't stop, report him to the police for harassment. He has no right to contact you repeatedly if you don't want to.
Start divorce proceedings asap to make it clear if necessary.
As for the other man, I do think it's a good idea for you to take some time for yourself and the children and settle before embarking on another relationship before you get over this one.
But it seems like you don't particularly like this man. Maybe you were mostly flattered by his attentions and simply realised that you could have someone in your life who actually loved you, but not necessarily this man?
I'm not surprised you are drained!
You have two men seeking your affections and you clearly aren't ready for any of it.
The sensible thing to do would be to tell your new guy that you need a little time apart from him to clear your head.
Your husband? Well I need to ask if your marriage truly was dead or if you thought the grass was greener elsewhere?
Sex does ebb and flow in a marriage especially once children arrive. I agree what he did at the hotel wasn't great but it wouldn't be a marriage breaker surely?
It was quite spontaneous. I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt you.
Anyway the best way t clear your head is to stay away from both men for a little while. Don't have email/text contact as that will Make the whole point of stay away pointless.
Thanks - its all a big turmoil and I just need it to settle down. I don't know what I want and that's my biggest problem..
Take it easy, and take time for yourself and it will become clear.
I think you and the 2 children would be a lot happier at home without a man living in. Lots of people live "together but apart". The new man could be exactly that - no plan ever that he moves in but you can date etc
Also as you earn more than your husband you need a final court sealed consent order on the finances otherwise in a year or two he could come back for a lot of money from you.I would prioritise that side of it rather than thinking about new lovers.
I think you should try and put yourself in the place of your husband. He must be shattered emotionally that you cheated on him. I'd allow him to divorce you on grounds of your adultery and offer him as much as possible. for the sake of your kids, I would stay celibate.
Offer him what exactly? We've just sold FMH and split it 50/50 what else do I give him..
You've been in a long relationship and a new one has made you realize you were not happy with your husband. The reasons you were not happy before will still there. I think its natural you feel a bit emotional and there are days when you are not sure what you want.
I would advise taking a step back from your current man (doesn't mean you don't have to see him, but keep it light hearted, dating rather than relationship, fun etc) while allowing you time to recover from a family breakdown and divorce. You need to find you again - and only then will you know what you want.
In the meantime work towards an amicable co parenting situation with your ex husband for the sake of your child. I can understand him being angry but I'm sure that will reduce over time.
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