Why are things so unfair?

(17 Posts)
NJ64a Sun 24-May-15 17:55:22

Hi, This is my first post on here as only just joined today. My husband left me 4 weeks ago after 22 years together.

At the risk of sounding like I am moaning I am at the moment feeling that things are very unfair.

My husband at the age of 47 has had an affair with a girl from work 20 years younger than him. He has moved in with her. She owns her own home and earns a good salary. My husband earned £83k last year and I earned £9k as I work part-time as my husband is a shift worker.

I have just had to claim Tax Credits and Child Benefit, which I have not had to do before. Although I know this is a reality for lots of parents and I have been very lucky not to have had to claim any kind of benefits and I do appreciate not everyone is in the same boat.

I have then just worked out my new incomings: salary, CB, CTC & WTC, and my new outgoings (as my husband previously paid all bills as was the higher earner) and I just break even. These calculations didn't include things like paying for clothes, shoes, school uniform, school trips, haircuts, car mot/service, days out, holidays etc etc. Just the bills and food.

Therefore, I am left feeling that it seems very unfair that my husband had the affair and left us, and yet he is better off financially with this girl while myself and our children are now far worse off. He also has someone to share his bills with and yet I am paying ours by myself, despite him earning a significantly higher salary.

Surely when we go through our divorce he will be expected to contribute? I am under the impression that both parties are to exit the marriage with a similar standard of living to each other.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Quitelikely Sun 24-May-15 17:58:29

If your dh earns 83k a year you can expect a nice chunk of that to come your way every month.

Have you googled child maintenance calculator? If not do it ASAP.

Also after all those years of him being the bread winner I'm thinking you have a strong chance of a slice of his pension.

NJ64a Sun 24-May-15 18:26:40

Thanks for your reply. Yes I had also included the child maintenance that the calculator told me he would have to pay. That also included I just break even. (I forgot to add it in original post).

I would like to think he would offer to give us something each month. If not I think I will have to take him to court. I don't know how we will manage otherwise.

I'm also assuming his pension will be divided. As will our house that I am currently living in with the kids.

I just wish I had made sure I had protected myself for this. But I never saw it coming. I thought we were happy and together forever. My advice to all my friends now, happily married or not, is to put away a little bit of money each week if you can, or insist on having your own career.

FlabulousChix Sun 24-May-15 18:35:03

He only had to pay maintenance that's it.

FlabulousChix Sun 24-May-15 18:35:46

What you going to take him to court for? His only obligation is maintenance

fortunately Sun 24-May-15 18:35:57

Take the fucker to the cleaners xxx

antimatter Sun 24-May-15 18:40:21

I thought that kids maintenance isn't included in those calculations. Has something changed recently?

Goodbetterbest Sun 24-May-15 20:12:52

You really need to see a solicitor. I'm in a similar position and we are currently in mediation and drawing up a court order for finance. We are dividing the equity in the house when the youngest becomes and adult and I have a share of his pension coming.

It's not easy but you should be able to have more financial support. Good luck.

NJ64a Sun 24-May-15 20:24:38

Thank you. I gave up my career at his request when we had our kids and stayed at home for 14 years supporting him. I then went back to work in a lower paid job with no career prospects just to earn a bit of my own money. I'm unlikely to earn more than I do now.

A friend who has a similar situation had her husband taken to court for maintenance for herself and was awarded £450 per month. Her husband earns less than mine and she is a similar earner to me. Therefore, if my husband doesn't voluntarily offer to pay a bit more, so I can make ends meet for our kids, I will go to court and ask them to make the financial order.

makemineapinot Sun 24-May-15 21:06:39

Get yourself a good solicitor and you may be able to keep the house at manageable levels. My ex earned significantly more than me although I had been the higher earner pre DC and I owned a house which we used the proceeds of to buy our marital home. Our divorce got very nasty (he too went off with a younger woman and felt it was fair to spend £1000s on her but not feed and clothe his kids. Judge sided with me and I got an 85/15% split in equity plus half his pension, CMand spousal maintenance for a year to allow me time to get back on my feet. Good luck x

worridmum Tue 26-May-15 04:19:10

NJ64a any sposual maintaince he will have to pay you will now days will be time limited so do not plan / get your hopes up for it to last indefintaly (ok some judges might award it for life but that is unlikely these days)

The judge will expect you to go up to full time hours if all the children are school age to support yourself but will most likely make a SM order in the short term to bridge the gap until you get a full time job / retrained (normally around 3 years but dont quote me every judgment is different)

NJ64a Wed 27-May-15 00:14:21

makmineapinot & worriedmum - Thank you for your advice.

I work in a school so the maximum hours I can do is 25 hours as that's 5 hours a day.

I have no problem with trying to earn more money, that's not a problem. But I don't see why our children are going to have to have a very disadvantaged lifestyle compared to what they were used to, just because their father couldn't be faithful.

I am hoping that he will see that we will struggle and voluntarily pay more money, at least until the youngest child is 18 in 5 years time.

As if I don't have enough to deal with, the shock of his betrayal, the lying, cheating, our kids distress at losing their much loved father. I don't think it is fair for me to also be worrying about money. Especially whilst he is laying in some cheap skanks bed enjoying himself! Sorry, just makes me so mad!

babybarrister Wed 27-May-15 11:44:34

if you want a recommendation for a solicitor have a look at the resolution website or PM me

pieceofpurplesky Wed 27-May-15 11:52:31

I am in the same situation financially. Ex earned 4 times more than me, I have up ft work to look after our DS and his from previous relationship. Now struggle to pay bills. Sadly it's how it works

Superexcited Wed 27-May-15 11:54:45

Because you have sacrificed your career for the development of his career it is possible that you could get spousal maintenance. You have a good case for it.
But as your youngest child is already 13 years old any spousal maintenance will be time limited. The judge may expect you to look for alternative work which can be full time and better paid. A school based job of 25 hours a week term time only is never going to pay enough.

The fact that your ex now lives with somebody who is working and can share the bills isn't really relevant from a legal point of view, although I understand that it must sting on a personal level.

I think your priority needs to be sorting out the house and who is going to have what share of equity/ if you are going to live in it until the youngest child turns 18 and then split the equity.
Do you have a pension? If you don't have a pension and he does have one then you can apply for a share of his pension.
You need some legal advice, but that doesn't come cheap these days with all the legal aid cuts.

Northumberlandlass Wed 27-May-15 11:57:55

I agree with others - see a solicitor. There are a lot aspects to take into account here. Find a one specialising in family law. Your home, mortgage payments, child maintenance (which will depend on how often he has the kids), his pension etc

I took my 30 mins of free advice & went armed with a list of questions I needed answered. Then paid a hefty amount to the same solicitor - but it was worth every penny.

But yes, you probably will be less well off than you had been when you were together.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Newbrummie Wed 27-May-15 16:43:13

I feel like I'm always moaning about this but .... I feel utterly shafted, I'm on benefits so how the hell do you afford legal advice to secure anything at all .... I've bent over backwards to be reasonable and he just replies no to every request, every single one.

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