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Wife not need to feel 'Beholden'!

(19 Posts)
Namaste100 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:14:28

Long story short...Just found out ( via Facebook) my wife sprained her ankle yesterday and is in some discomfort..she's looking
after our kids as were separated ( currently but not forever I hope...past threads explain) and is doing it bloody well as ever...Ive offered to help out with kids or be on hand if needed...she's refused and in my opinion is being a tad bit proud/independent...I feel she won't accept my help for fear I may see it as a 'sign' or she will be beholden ( I'll expect something back ) I just want to help her/them out if needed...no tricks or trying to be Mr Dependable!!!!
Advice please...I'm flame retardant so feel free x

ElizabethHoover Thu 01-Jan-15 21:23:13

what can you do? She says she is ok.

(whats with all the .....?)

Namaste100 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:35:39

Not a lot I guess.. But I feel she's being proud and making a point..not wanting to give an inch???

Re What's with all the .... Sorry I'm appalling literacy wise and genuinely shit re punctuation etcsmile

ElizabethHoover Thu 01-Jan-15 21:38:28

you are separated - leave her alone!

Namaste100 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:01:23

Leave her alone sounds harsh... But I think Iv over reacted.. She may be being proud..but that's ok given our issues...She is ok and I would hope she'd ask if she needs me for anything...mmmmm!
Apologetic thoughts now!

FreeSpirit89 Thu 01-Jan-15 22:53:28

Maybe she doesn't want to ask for help from an ex (sort off) don't know the whole story.

All you can do is offer, if she says no, she says no.

BertieBotts Thu 01-Jan-15 22:58:11

If she's said no thank you, then you should respect that. If you keep insisting because you have decided she doesn't really mean no, or because you think she's misunderstood or being too proud, you're missing the point, and steamrollering all over her boundaries.

Might be something to think about in terms of your whole relationship especially if it's usual for you to read things into her actions or assume you know better.

AuntieStella Thu 01-Jan-15 23:01:06

I think it is a good thing to offer.

But make it easy for her to say 'no' if she does not want your help.

Also, make it specific - 'would it help if I kept them a bit later, say until X o'clock, this weekend?' Or 'do you need help with the school run when they go back? I can take/fetch (specify days)' Or 'if you're finding hard to get around, shall I take them for a good run around between x and y o'clock on (day) and I'll bring them back exhausted'

You need to think about their routine and what is likely to help.

Namaste100 Thu 01-Jan-15 23:33:23

Good points made by all..I was overreacting I feel..from a good place of concern..but she said she was ok and didn't need any help.. So instead of being 'Superman' I should of said here if you need me etc!!
I've txt to apologies for over stepping the line.. The point about boundaries is also spot on...no matter if I assume she's being proud.. She said I'm ok!!!
Stop! Listen! Think!

FlowerFairy2014 Sun 04-Jan-15 16:13:17

There might be errands - you could go round take some washing do it and return it all ironed or do the shopping. She might be happy with that but not with not having the children around.

For the record any man wanting to come round here and clean my floors is welcome particularly if I don't have to speak to him or see him.

WaitingForMe Sun 04-Jan-15 16:42:15

You've offered, she's said no so leave it.

When a friend of mine ended her marriage, her ex hoped they'd reconcile. When she went through a tough time, her friends were her support. She didn't need him.

Maybe you can reconcile but it's unlikely to happen if you don't respect her decisions. Imagining she's proud when she may just not need you is pretty arrogant.

Cabrinha Sun 04-Jan-15 23:50:31

Just leave the poor woman alone. I'd be annoyed enough with a sprained ankle without having the arsehole who cheated on me bothering me too hmm

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons Mon 05-Jan-15 10:57:22

Why are you checking up on her via Facebook?

Cabrinha Mon 05-Jan-15 12:53:47

Because he doesn't respect her asking for space after he fucked someone else.

SugarOnTop Sun 11-Jan-15 18:19:10

you are separated - leave her alone!

Why are you checking up on her via Facebook

Because he doesn't respect her asking for space after he fucked someone else

my my! there's a lot of bitter nasty cunts out there! THEY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER!!! or did you conveniently choose to forget that bit? hmm

OP, i think you were doing the right thing by ASKING her if she wanted any help. She's refused (whatever her reasons) so of course respect that, so long as you know your children are safe and well and being looked after appropriately (which by the sounds of it you do).

as for checking up on her facebook....so what? Women do it all the time when they fancy somebody...and OP has stated: we are separated currently but not forever I hope

Good luck op, i hope it all works out for you.

Funkywotsits Sun 11-Jan-15 21:58:21

Sugarontop you've made me chuckle tonite.. I wasn't checking up on her FB..I was scrolling my news feed and it was update on her status..we're still FB pals.Cant believe u dropped the C bombsmile I agree MN is great but Iv found it judgemental as hell.
I ended up backing off and she asked for lots of help,duly givensmile

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes Sun 11-Jan-15 22:25:12

OP (watch your name changes smile)

My very nice PILs consider me very 'independent' not a compliment they are always offering me 'help' that I just don't need.

My DH will be away for the next 2 weeks, there will undoubtedly be several texts and at least one phone call offering me help with the children ( to put this in context, I'm a very capable mother and the children are very well behaved. I work full time and love spending time with them. I don't want a rest from them.)

It is kind to offer but it is exceedingly rude and deeply irritating to be subject to continual offers when you have already expressed thanks and politely declined.

From my perspective it feels manipulative, like they are criticising my polite refusal of help and not listening to/or considering my actual rather than assumed needs.

My MIL is baffled by my life. She regularly states that she 'doesn't know how I do it' and therefore they assume that I decline out of misplaced pride or because I'd prefer to ask my own DPs. They are wrong - I just don't need any help.

If I sprain my ankle this week, I won't mention it to them because they'd spend all week trying to work out how to impose 'help' on me. Unless I literally couldn't walk at all - I wouldn't need it and the generosity of their offer would be lost in the irritation of having to repeatedly assert my wishes.

It is good that you offered. She said no. Leave it there.

Funkywotsits Sun 11-Jan-15 23:02:30

Sound advice WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes

SugarOnTop Mon 12-Jan-15 00:30:56

glad i could help smile

it irritates the hell out of me when i come across blatant sexism anywhere - but especially when it's directed towards the male posters on MN. i'm one of those staunch feminists who believe in equality for both sexes grin

As for judgey - bah! you cannot have an open and entertaining forum without some judgey comments - and in the correct context i have no issue with it.
plus i didn't think you had done anything wrong!

i'm not bothered about the reason you split up, we fall in love & we fall out of love with people - c'est la vie!

the important thing is that you keep your head screwed on right when it comes to respecting her personal space and privacy and the kids welfare - and you seem to be doing fine there.

live long and prosper - just double check your name change - i'll graciously accept t'was my language that shocked you out of your senses! grin

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