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Plucking up the courage

(16 Posts)
PiaHall Tue 30-Dec-14 19:11:19

I have been wanting to separate from my DH on and off for a few years but I have finally had enough and plucked up the courage. Although I have written a letter for him because I cannot bring myself to say the words, which sounds so pathetic. We have been married for 9.5 years, together for nearly 16 and we have a DD - 14 and DS - 8.

He is a difficult man and very unpredictable although has never been violent. He is moody, puts me and the kids down, nothing is ever done to his exacting standards, although he never does anything around the house.

I support us financially as he started his own business 4 years ago and hasn't really put much effort into getting it going. I earn good money and have paid for everything for 4 years, with the occasional small amount coming from him.

When we moved into our current house 11 years ago the deposit came from my house that I sold and some extra that was to pay off debts so we could afford the house. A month after we moved he got the sack and we had to use all the extra money to live off. And this has pretty much been the pattern for the last 11 years, he gets a job, pisses people off and gets the sack. So in the end without consulting me he decided he would be a self employed electrician.

He gets incredibly defensive when I try to talk to him about money, work, pretty much anything that requires him to give me answers about his plans for the future.

He shouts at the kids for stupid reasons and is generally hard to live with. My DD regularly tells me she hates him. It would seem that I have somehow managed to marry a man cut from the same cloth as my father and I don't want that for my DD. And I want my DS to grow up to be a caring, emotionally aware, open man.

So I have written the letter, it doesn't say any of the above because I didn't want it just to be about what an awful person he is because that would be a bad start to the end. I have said that I want him to move out and I will give him money to get a flat, although I think he will refuse to move out. I have said that if that is what he decides then we'll move out but I will leave him to pay for everything associated with the house, which will likely result in the house being repossessed.

I wrote the letter before Christmas but didn't want to do it over the 'festive' period and have decided to give it to him on Saturday 3rd Jan.

I told my two best friends and they both said that they have noticed how unhappy I have been over the last few months. I know he is unhappy as well but he won't take this well. He can be mean and I will become enemy no.1.

I just want to stop being unhappy, I'm not even thinking about being happy at this point. I feel sick all the time at the moment because I know what is coming and he is being nice at the moment which is making it worse, but I keep telling myself it won't last!

Sorry for the long ramble but I needed to get it out. I'll post an update when I've done it sad

Minime85 Wed 31-Dec-14 06:26:00

Wishing you good luck when u tell him. Hopefully it will be a relief to have it out in the open

Spiritedgirl Wed 31-Dec-14 12:30:56

Pia, You don't need his permission to leave. I think from what you have posted you have carried him long enough, you have thought it through and in your mind are ready for it.

Well done for writing the letter. Writing it takes courage too you know so don't put yourself down. At least this way what you have to say comes over in a controlled way rather than being reduced to a slanging match.

You sound well prepared and ready for the future. I know you feel sick now, and that's understandable, but it will be better once you are on the road you want to be on. You can do it.
Good luck and do please let us know how you get on.

balders74 Wed 31-Dec-14 12:57:43

Thanks for your replies.

Spiritedgirl, I want him to leave so that there is as little disruption for the kids as possible. We also have 3 dogs that are like my babies and it will be hard to rent a house that will take them and I would not be able to leave them with him. So the ideal situation would be for him to agree to leave BUT he can be nasty and will be hurt so I have no idea how he will react.

My best friends know what I have planned and will be meeting me at one of their houses on Saturday morning after I have given him the letter, with tea, tissues and a hug.

I woke up a bit manic this morning, I think it is the stress hormones. I keep flipping between manic and wanting to hide in my bed.

Any to make matters worse he has been in a good mood the last couple of day, which makes general life easier for all of us but I know it won't last. It does make me feel more guilty for what I have planned and I have to appear normal.

God I'm such a mess!

balders74 Wed 31-Dec-14 12:58:26

BTW, I changed my display name last night smile

Mojito100 Wed 31-Dec-14 13:02:30

Good luck and keep us posted on how things go. This doesn't appear to be something you have rushed into and you have considered a wide range if things important to you and your kids. Take care of yourself.

Northumberlandlass Wed 31-Dec-14 13:10:22

I've just ended my marriage last night. There is a thread in relationships, can't link as I'm in my phone.
PM me if you want to chat

balders74 Wed 31-Dec-14 15:12:19

I replied on your thread grin

Handywoman Thu 01-Jan-15 23:17:20

OP I was in your situation 18 months ago. I have never regretted leaving. If course you feel sick, but you have kept at it long enough now. You are strong, have great friends, you are ready. Go for it thanks I'll be checking up from Sat and Ill be here with a hand to hold.

Balders74 Thu 01-Jan-15 23:39:55

How did you do it Handy? The only way I can envisage doing it is leaving him the letter while he is asleep & leave for a few hours so he reads it while I'm out. It sounds so cowardly, I just don't think I am strong enough to face him while he reads it.

He is being nice at the moment but one of my friends that knows thinks he may have an idea what is coming, I don't believe he is that in touch with how I am feeling. I sat across the room from him earlier with tears running down my face & he didn't notice!

I know once we get back into normal routine on Monday then it will be business as usual so I wNt to do it before then.

Soooo scared!!

Thanks for your support.

Northumberlandlass Fri 02-Jan-15 08:13:46

smile balders. Hand holding here too.

Handywoman Fri 02-Jan-15 13:49:11

Balders I think it doesn't matter how you do it. Just that you do do it. This is not what you signed up to. Time for a more positive path. A better future awaits despite the rocky road.

In my own case my ex went a bit mental and so i had a straw-that-broke-the-camels-back moment. But I drip fed the 'I'm leaving you forever' message over the course of five days as he had no idea (idiot). It was exhausting but my friends propped me up and got me through. Yours will too.

Your children will benefit hugely from having an authentic happy woman for a mum. You are leading by example and teaching them a better way.

thanks you can do this ((handhold))

Northumberlandlass Fri 02-Jan-15 19:16:30

How you doing Balders? X

Northumberlandlass Fri 02-Jan-15 19:19:25

I've just seen your PM! Replying now

tipsytrifle Fri 02-Jan-15 20:23:42

He sounds vile, PiaHall. Having said that are you sure you would be wise to just walk away from the house (financially) and let it go to repossession? That part of the plan sounds a bit unnecessary? Is it a joint mortgage? it sounds like you've put the most into it, though if married that kind of gets ignored by way of assets from what I read on here ...

tipsytrifle Fri 02-Jan-15 20:27:13

oops, sorry ... got muddled between your threads

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