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Advice on exs seeing dds

(8 Posts)
DillyDallyDaydreamer Tue 16-Dec-14 16:00:36

Hello right I'll try to keep it brief but want to give as much info as I can .

Me and ex have been split for almost 9 years, he hasn't seen the dds for three years, through his choice he was pretty unreliable before but was meant to see them one weekend out of a month (I moved bout 1hr 30minutes away to be near my family about 8years ago) .

They have seen exs mum dad and sister maybe once every couple of months they come down to me and take them out for day, I've said this is absolutely fine but we need to keep it separated rom their relationship with their dad.

In the summer I received a letter from ex saying he would like to see the girls,but didn't seem to take responsibility for his absence in their lives. I chose to ignore the letter thinking one half hearted letter doesn't really show commitment to seeing them (didn't really know what to do for best.)

Exs dad has been in contact to say when they're down in January can ex come to, I said I'd talk to him properly about it when I had a minute and explain why I thought this was a bad idea. They are good girls they took a while to adjust to not seeing him but are now happy. He's never contributed financially, or seen them regularly, he has to show that's he's committed to seeing them before I would agree and it would probably be supervised through a third party to begin with. I just feel like it's more for him than them.

Has anyone been in a similar position?am I wrong in making this decision for them? They are both in primary school so not old. Just don't think he can be relied on and don't want to put them through the hurt of him changing his mind again. Any advice would be great thanks

DillyDallyDaydreamer Tue 16-Dec-14 16:08:43

Oh and not exs ex can't imagine trying to sort out multiple exs.

mummytime Tue 16-Dec-14 16:49:37

So he is their father? I think you should let him see them, in fact if he went to court he would get access. Seeing the DD is totally separate from financial contribution, which he should also be doing (and enforced by the courts etc. if necessary).

You need to talk to your DDs about how he wants to see them. The fact he would see them with his parents there is a good thing, your DD are used to his parents and they can supervise. they can also help your Dd if they get upset. I would just make it clear to your DDs that you aren't certain how often they will get to see him, and he might make promises and then break them.
If they come back with wild promises, just say "that would be nice, lets see what happens".

FluffyMcnuffy Tue 16-Dec-14 16:52:56

I wouldn't be having that OP. I think you're well within your rights to refuse until your ex can demonstrate a regular commitment to contact with your children. I'd also be making sure he's paying maintenance.

I personally think it would be very confusing for your children to have your ex see them once and then potentially not for another three years.

DillyDallyDaydreamer Tue 16-Dec-14 17:07:59

You both can articulate this a lot better than I can.

Yes mummy time he is their father but it I don't think it is as simple as that I wish it was. Kids being kids do believe wild promises how ever much you warn them it causes a lot of upset I feel they should be able to trust their adults and it doesn't seem right I'm letting them get hurt. I also understand that paying maintenance is a separate issue but it does show a lack of responsibility not to of ever pay for your dds.

DillyDallyDaydreamer Tue 16-Dec-14 17:11:04

I guess I also worry about how they see men in the future,and don't want to show them it's okay to be treated like this.

mummytime Tue 16-Dec-14 18:59:19

But you can't legally ultimately stop him seeing them. Letting them have contact in a controlled way is better than letting him be a "forbidden" person. If he then goes behind you back to see them, he can blame you for why he can't see them more often. If they seek him out in the future he can blame you for stopping them seeing him. And all this could happen in the troublesome teenage years. It would be better for them to learn now that he will let them down, and he will not be the only person to do this to them. That is part of life too.

Sometimes letting children get hurt a little prevents them from getting far more hurt later.

Sorry but I have known lots of people who did: sneak off to see their Dad "secretly", or ran away to "live with Dad" (only to be kicked out by him and his girlfriend) etc.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 16-Dec-14 19:10:33

I would think with other relatives would be an ideal time, talk to exs parents about your concerns, maybe they can make sure he's not making wild promises etc. you can't stop him seeing them just because its irregular, however shit a dad that makes him.

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