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Problems with stbxh - organising events for my ds without my knowledge

(19 Posts)
bella1968 Tue 11-Nov-14 09:12:45

I'm having a nightmare, probably like alot of you in my situation.

Brief history: We are divorcing, have 2 11 year olds, h been abusing me and kids in psychological, emotional, verbal way, he's been removed from house by non-mol/occ now undertaking.

Since June he's been back twice for 1 week, I removed him because of his behaviour, called the police. I have filed in court for ancilliaries and also child arrangements order last week.

Since June he's picked up the children on Sunday at 10am-7pm, in October we agreed that he would collect them at 7.30 for a 8am church service, then it slid to 2 more weeks whereby I put my foot down and said 9am is early enough. He banged the door, called the police so I felt for the children as they wanted to go to just let them go.

He has dictated 7.30 bedtimes and said there needs to be more routine, so for the benefit of the children I said to the children we will try it, if it works out beneficial then great if not then we'll adjust it. Now I walk in the door last night at 5.30 and get advised that he is picking up ds at 6.30 for a new scouts group which that night finishes at 9pm. As he's finishing school at 1pm today I said yes just tonight.

He comes home, he's enjoyed it and wants to go again, however before he left he told me he's on report at school because of too many detentions, I find out from the information when he comes home that scouts is every Monday 6.30-8.30 and then after Christmas its 7.30-9.30. He's just started secondary school and may have ASD.

I feel like I'm been pressured and feel threatened and controlled still by this man and I'm fed up with it. I am putting everything on hold though to make sure that I my case has no blemishes as I know we will be in court and hopefully in view of the domestic abuse, the judge will say the children remain living with me and see their father. He is not a good influence on them at the moment due to his anger and abuse, (he's still swearing at them) and I am terrified that the judge will say 50/50 or to live with him at all!

What would you do in these circumstances, any advice appreciated.
Thanks.

balia Tue 11-Nov-14 20:01:33

Firstly, I'm sure the court won't order that your DC live with your ex, although I totally get how frightening even the possibility might seem right now. The status quo is that you are the primary carer so I think you can be more confident about setting boundaries and resisting the pressure he is trying to apply. If you want the kids to have early bedtimes (7.30 for 11 year olds?) then fine; if not, it's tough, you make day-to-day decisions.

That said, I think you would struggle to convince a court that Scouts was a bad idea for an 11 year old who wants to go, TBH. And it may do him some good, I know a lot of kids who get a great deal from it.

I would pick my battles. I'd also find out what the detentions are for!

bella1968 Wed 12-Nov-14 15:21:06

thanks balia I want him to go so I'll work around the other things.

CalleighDoodle Mon 15-Dec-14 21:16:09

Firstly, make a meeting with his head of year to mention issues at home and ways you can work with the school to reduce the need for detentions.

Scouts does sound fun and it could be just what your ds needs, although very late for an 11 year old!

CalleighDoodle Mon 15-Dec-14 21:17:32

Your ex sounds like he is still very controlling

clam Mon 15-Dec-14 21:34:01

Your ex is telling you what time your ds must go to bed when he's at home with you?
Sod that for a game of soldiers. It's up to you how you run your routine in your home, not him.

Starlightbright1 Mon 15-Dec-14 21:47:33

Certain things you need to take back control and stop discussing with him ( though I am aware the 11 year old will talk. Bedtime in your house is nothing to do with Ex. What time was it before Ex started telling you when it should be

My DS goes to beavers (7) that finishes at 8 ( He usually goes to sleep 7.30) He has an earlier night the next night and we have an easy evening.

Speak to the school and find out what is going on at school?

Do the 11 year olds do anything else? I think you need to stop the one off things..No child would want to go to scouts just once.

bella1968 Tue 16-Dec-14 11:57:51

thanks for your message Starlightbright1 the one off was a trial at Scouts and he goes every week now and is enjoying it. I am slowly adjusting but it's hard to settle him down when he gets back home at 9.15. He doesn't finish until 9.30 after Christmas so that'll take time to adjust to also.

CalleighDoodle I agree he is still very controlling, I guess it comes down to what can I decide and action in my own home now that he is not there and what do I have to consult with him on? this is all new to me so I just don't know.

I had to go back to court Friday afternoon for a occupation/non molestation order again after him damaging the front door and still refusing to not come and go as he pleases. The judge couldn't believe his inability/refusal to come to some child arrangements plans with me and so we have to go back to court for a review hearing then a final hearing. We haven't got the date for the child arrangements order as yet but that'll be a fight to the death also I'm sure. Even though being advised by the police and social services to stay away he won't let me know when he's coming I have to rely on the children telling me which sometimes doesn't happen as they assume that he's discussed it with me. It's hopeless, he comes in and tosses my keys everywhere so I have to go and search for them, he's tossed my bags from his door to his bedroom and constantly complains and insults me about leaving things in 'his' bedroom (which was the playroom) and that I'm a danger to the children and can't look after them properly, it never stops.

The thing is I'm usually a strong person but his constant jibes really undermine your confidence. I said to him the other day on the phone in all the time we lived together he never once had a problem with the way the children were brought up and he said that was when you were behaving properly!

Now he's lost his job I just hope he doesn't think that he can come back to live in the property and I'm to leave and pay him spousal and child maintenance whilst the is the primary carer! god forbid!!

STIDW Tue 16-Dec-14 13:53:04

You need to establish some boundaries. Parental Responsibility means parents need to agree important decisions such as where children live, when they have contact, which school they attend, changing a child's name, relocating abroad and import medical decisions. If no agreement can be reached either party can apply to court and a judge will make a decision. However each parent can make unilateral day-to-day decisions (what activities children do, when they go to bed, what they eat, who they see etc etc) during the time the child is with them.

Where is your husband living? It would be much easier if the children spent time including overnights with him at his new home if at all possible. Then if he wanted the children to get up early to go to church he would need to do it himself. Also handovers could take place to and from school so there would be no reason for him to be there.

If your husband breaks the terms of the non molestation order/undertaking phone the police immediately. Also ask your solicitor about changing the locks on your home.

Starlightbright1 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:55:09

Can I suggest you look at the freedom program... I beleive you can do it online..

In your home / your time your rules.. He does not get to dictate how you bring up the children. IF he has PR...He has a certain rights on things such as medical treatment, schools..google it. Nothing else.

I am not sure why you are in his house? I advise you don't let him in yours or vice versa

bella1968 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:11:26

We jointly own the house but he is living with his aunt and uncle 10 minutes away, he believes that he should be living in the house and I should move out and he believes that this will happen, hence he hasn't found a flat/house of his own.

I have applied to the court, we are awaiting the child arrangements order date.

My home My rules sounds good, I need to regain my confidence in how I bring up the children.

cansu Sun 28-Dec-14 08:27:48

Can you change the locks there is no way he should be throwing your stuff around and essentially bullying you.

bella1968 Sun 28-Dec-14 09:19:24

Apparently not, my solicitor says no because he owns the house with me and has a right to come in and out as he pleases although it's not the right thing to do.

FlowerFairy2014 Sun 28-Dec-14 09:31:38

I would just change the locks anyway and leave it to him to get a court order if he can be bothered. You could say you lost your key and had no choice.
I would prioritise the issue with the school - that is a big problem. Late bed times etc are neither here nor there but detentions at school are very serious. Go to the school with the child and find out what has been going on.

bella1968 Sun 28-Dec-14 10:34:35

He would just ask for a key which I'd then have to give to him so it wouldn't be worth the money.

I've arranged to be at home now to make sure that they both get to school on time. Also I am getting the help he needs at school.He was tested for ASD but came back negative even though he has issues! I make sure he has his bag packed with everything in it as I can't trust him to have packed everything, he just can't organise himself. He's had detentions for various things: Being late, forgetting his books, forgetting his pencil cases, behaving badly in class.

Now my daughter is really testing me, she's blaming me for everything at the moment.We've had a nightmare fee days, she's called me names and swore at me, I told her to go to her room but she refused so I made her stand outside to cool down.she wasn't there for long and I could see her the whole time so she was safe, when she came in she went to her room. After a while she changed back to my nice daughter, we haven't made peace since yesterday but she has said sorry, I asked her for what and she said she's not sure how to word it yet, she understood the seriousness of it so I'm waiting for her to be ready.

When I came to bed last night I found her in my bed! I know she's taking it out on me because there's noone else, yesterday I said when are you going to stop not caring and she said never because it hurts too much.that was so grown up I thought for an 11 year old. She called her dad whilst in her tantrum, he didn't back me up in fact just said to my son on the phone that he wasn't surprised my daughter was angry because I'm a nasty woman/piece of work.he called to speak to his son but wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him that she was upset about our breakup but instead blamed it on my behaviour!! He just used this as another way to badmouth me to our children which will twist my daughters feelings up even more.This is so bad timing I'm so scared that cafcass will come round and she'll say she wants to live with her daddy even though her reasons are that she'd wished she'd never been born and that's it's my fault, also it's because she never sees her daddy much and blames me for that also even though I've tried to get him to see them more without success.��

MistAndAWeepingRain Sun 28-Dec-14 10:50:43

You need to establish some boundaries. Parental Responsibility means parents need to agree important decisions such as where children live, when they have contact, which school they attend, changing a child's name, relocating abroad and import medical decisions. If no agreement can be reached either party can apply to court and a judge will make a decision. However each parent can make unilateral day-to-day decisions (what activities children do, when they go to bed, what they eat, who they see etc etc) during the time the child is with them.

This. It basically means that your ex has no right to dictate the everyday stuff. What time your kids go to bed in your home is none of his business. But if wants to use his time with the kids to send DS to Scouts that is likewise none of yours.

He sounds like a very difficult man so the question is, what can you do to protect yourself? #1 I would consider changing the locks. Your home is supposed to be a place of safety and you cannot have him barging in and chucking your stuff around. I get on OK with my ex but I do not want him in my home.

#2 Are pick ups/drop offs at a neutral location possible?

#3 I would try to disengage with him as much as possible. I get on OK with my ex but I ALWAYS email him about important stuff (like arrangements for holidays). Then we both have a written record of what was agreed.

#4 Bad mouthing you is horrible and I feel for you. However there is really nothing you can do apart from try to create a stable home environment for your kids with you. They WILL see through your ex eventually. Don't try again for him to back you up. You know he won't and it will just upset you.

#5 Given the age of your children, the court will take their wishes into account. But it is very unlikely that even if they came right out and stated they wanted to live full time with their dad (which seems unlikely from what you have posted) that he would be awarded full residency. Given you have always been their primary carer even 50/50 would be a push I think.

Please try to calm down and think rationally. Detatch as much as possible from this man. He can try to frighten you with threats of court but courts these days are used to men like him and will do what is in the best interests of the children. I know it's hard but try not to let him get to you.

bella1968 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:46:35

Thanks mist.i do not want him in the house either but he does not respect that as it's his house too and he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong.he wouldn't agree to these simple things like arranging to see his children more than once a week and then deciding on the spur of the moment and only telling the children when he's taking them, his response to Christmas and new year arrangements for the children were met with him saying to me that I get out of his house and he moves back in and looks after his children properly or met with silence, this went on for 2 mths so I had no choice but to apply to court, it's costing a fortune but he will never agree to the children living with me.i have applied and had the first hearing for another occupation order the other week, he won't agree to not coming into the house whenever he wants so the judge wants his statement plus full police disclosure then we go back for a review hearing after 30th Jan.our child arrangements order first hearing will be 21st Jan so hopefully this will iron out some of the plans going forward.changing the locks at this stage won't look good on my part so I'm at least going to put a lock on my bedroom door.

Him taking my son to scouts was never his time, this was spring on me 1 hr before the first time he went now son enjoys I don't have any heart to stop it just because he'll now not get to bed until 10pm on a Monday evening!

I am calm and rational about him, I know he thinks that he's lost the children and I've taken them off him so he's bad mouthing me to get them on side.it's still very hard to deal with an 11 year old daughter who's hurting.i had to remind her that her ipod has been taken off her for 1 mth because of the seriousness of her behaviour, she accepted it though.

I'd be quite happy to detach from him if I could stop him from ever existing!

FlowerFairy2014 Sun 28-Dec-14 12:57:13

I thought a non molestation order meant he was not allowed near you and the children so surely part of that is changing locks and no access?

bella1968 Sun 28-Dec-14 13:32:36

We only have an undertaking I place in afraid, promise to behave to the courts

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