Divorce/separation during pregnancy(8 Posts)
I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there who has separated from their DH during pregnancy? I am nearly 33 weeks pregnant now. About 6/7 weeks ago DH has started staying out late after work then one night he didn't come home. I confronted him the next day and he told me he felt differently about me. We agreed to try at our marriage and we did for a couple of weeks then his behaviour became erratic again. I thought he was having a crisis, tried to be sympathetic but to no avail. 3 weeks ago he said he wasn't prepared to try and offered to move out, I decided to leave because at 30 weeks pregnant felt it wasn't safe to be living on my own, under great stress with my family an hour away so went to stay with my mum. I suspected another woman but he has denied it, however the quick change in his behaviour has made me suspicioius. The baby was planned and he was excited about it up until about 23/24 weeks when he just withdrew emotionally completely from me and was 'working late' a lot. I was signed off work for 2 weeks but am now back until i leave to have the baby on 5th dec.
In the meantime he has given notice on our rented house without telling me, the tenancy was in his single name. All my things are still there, I only have clothes at my mums. He has let our joint account become �2000 overdrawn. Luckily I had taken some money beforehand and put it in my own bank account and he said he would pay the rent for the house etc. However his salary wasn't paid into the joint account this month and the rent has come out leaving it overdrawn. I have everything I need for the baby, but he doesn't know this, I have asked him to contribute but he has said that paying for the house is too expensive and he won't be able to. However he is not paying for the house, he has let that come out of the joint account so the debt is in my name too. I'm calling the bank today to freeze the account. I should have done this sooner stupidly.
We had agreed before I got pregnant that I would be a SAHM for a couple fo years because of childcare costs and he would support me and my job is a fixed term contract which will end on 5th dec. I will only be eligible for maternity allowance, this is only �550 a month and only lasts for 40 weeks. My mum has said I can live with her indefinitely but need to pay �500 a month rent to enable her to pay the mortgage as she is in arrears and was going to sell up but has now had to delay that so I can stay with her.
I'm seeing a solicitor at lunchtime today to see what my options are. Obviously he will owe me child support but I'm going to need spousal support too and I understand this is quite difficult to get and I need it quickly. I know he has sought legal advice too as one of the solicitors I called couldn't see me as he was on their books. He has been more organised than I thought and obviously planning this for a while.
Obviously I'm devastated by this turn of events, we were together for 8 years and our second wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks. Our baby was planned and I thought he wanted a family but he's changed his mind and thinks because this is how he feels that its ok to treat me like this when I'm 8 months pregnant.
So really I'm just looking for others in a similar situation, please tell me this will all be ok?!
I had a similar situation as my marriage broke down when I was7 months pregnant with dc3 due to exh having an affair. I knew that at the end of my maternity leave I was being made redundant. It is hard and the most important thing is to look after yourself and baby.
If you haven't already make sure any money being paid to you goes into your sole account or you will be paying off the debt he has run up. You may end up paying this as it is a join account but don't worry about at the moment there are more important things to pay for first.
Once the baby is born you can claim child tax credits and child benefit. When your maternity allowances ends you can claim income support. If you look on the turn to us website it will give you an idea of how much you will receive. Claiming benefits made me feel crap as I had always worked before but they are there help when you need it.
If you can try and get a copy one of your husbands payslips and search for child maintenance calculated to see how much he will have to pay when your baby arrives.
Your solicitor should help with the rest
It happened to me over a decade ago. My husband of 8 years left me 3 days after child's birth. Like you planned pregnancy. I was entitled to £60 a week mat leave. Luckily small mortgage and I had savings.
Went back to work when child was 8 months old. Yes it was hard but now I earn £2kK a year more than I did before DD was born. In same job just down to career progression. Wanted to give you something to help you see light.
happy to chat some more.
How awful of him.
Do consider going back to work quickly rather than having the 2 years off as planned. I went back in weeks full time and it worked very well and the advantage then is no career damage and more money in the mean time. Perhaps he would like to look after the baby too if he is not prepared to pay for it he can do the donkey work of hours of childcare.
thanks for your replies, it's good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel one day.
Solicitor was really helpful, said I'd definitely get spousal support even if I went back to work as I'm a low earner and child care would eat up a lot of my wages so I'd still get career progression and end up with enough to live off. Spousal support could possibly continue until child is 16 and I can get an interim order to give me some money before divorce would be finalised.
I've got some of his payslips and his p60 from last year so have done the maintenance calculator which will help me too. I've now put a freeze on our joint account too so he can't run up anymore overdraft. I'm liable for it but if I refuse to pay the bank will go after him, he has more money, I'll just refuse to pay it and worry about it later. I've got a sole account where my pay goes so he can't touch the money I'll earn for the next couple of months. I've got some valuations on my engagement ring which should cover the solicitors fees from the figures I was told today.
The solicitors main advice was to file ASAP on unreasonable behaviour and get the ball rolling before baby arrives and I could be getting money from an interim agreement by jan/February next year when I'll need it the most.
Got to investigate benefits next, argh this all just seems so unfair to be have to do this at nearly 33 weeks pregnant...
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.