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Closure

(8 Posts)
AloneReed Sat 01-Nov-14 07:47:36

Feel a bit silly posting this but it's something that's been on my mind a few months and I have not discussed it with anyone . . ,
I realised only last night, that this January, if my first marriage had worked out I would have celebrated my 30th Wedding Anniversary.
I met my first husband aged 18 (he was 21) and it was love at first sight (just bear in mind here how immature I would have been). I got pregnant very quickly and we had a "shotgun" wedding 5 months before our ds was born. The thing is, I didn't realise it was a "shotgun" wedding; I thought he was my "Soul Mate" if such a thing actually exists . . .
Anyway to cut a long story short, after our Son was born, I developed PND and my husbands went completely emotionally cold on me. Basically he never kissed, touched and even talked to me really ever again. In bed he would turn his back to me. I put up with it for 5 years as I was too scared of being alone until finally I found the courage to leave.
I remember feeling like life wasn't worth living.
A year later I met my second husband. He was the complete opposite to my first and everything my parents would have wanted/approved of. However, he turned out to be very controlling and a bit "fisty" if I stood out of line. After 9 years of being together and after being punched for the third and final time, I again worked up the courage and left.
Since then I haven't had a successful relationship. I have brought the children up on my own.
My first husband has never paid a penny in maintenance but he does have a relationship with his Son.
Now the point to this thread is, is still upsets me, my first husband rejecting me the way he did and although it's so long ago it's in the forefront of my mind atm as I see other couples who have been married 20+ years who have paid off their mortgage, have nice holidays and enjoy the Grandchildren together, whereas I a still a single Mum struggling to make ends meet. I think it's affected every relationships ever since (being extremely insecure and having low self esteem) and counselling hasn't really helped.
I bumped into him and my Son at the local supermarket a couple of weeks ago. I am usually chatty, confident and outgoing. Just seeing him reduced me to a quivering wreck! Next time I saw my son i asked "what did Dad say about me?" and he replied "oh you know Dad never says anything nice about you - he knows you look good, he just won't admit it".
I have started to wonder if confronting him is a good idea - to get some "closure" as I still do not know why he rejected me. Perhaps he never loved me in the first place or perhaps I drove him away. Perhaps he founding the responsibility of parenting too much at such a young age or perhaps he is just emotionally stunted. I can go to his house (he's never remarried) and ask face to face or I can contact him via facebook. Or is that just completely ridiculous and I just need to get over it and move on completely?

NoMarymary Sat 01-Nov-14 09:20:46

My starting point with anything like this is to ask 'will it change anything'? Of course there are other lesser questions leading on from the basic one like will it harm anyone, will it hurt me, am I strong enough to know the truth, can I trust I will be told the truth?

I guess it just depends on whether your relationship with your first husband is decent enough for this conversation. If you can talk reasonably to him and there is no great animosity it would be worth doing if you have thought through the implications

Also ask yourself if you are hoping to restart a relationship with him and this is the real reason for the conversation. Personally he sounds cold and not someone who works well in a relationship so as long as you know this you can at least make an informed choice.

AloneReed Sat 01-Nov-14 09:30:47

thank you NoMarymary; I don't want to rekindle a relationship with him now. All those years are lost when we could have built a life and a future together.
Good point about his answer - would it even give me "closure"? He'll probably say what he's told his Son "she was a nightmare to live with!" I know that so I suppose I'd be no better off . . .
Perhaps I want him to take the blame to make me feel better? Hearing him say "it wasn't your fault - it was all me; i was immature" would actually help me stop beating myself up so much.

NoMarymary Sat 01-Nov-14 09:45:04

Definitely a risky strategy if he ends up making you feel worse and as you have had esteem issues in the past maybe it's not the right thing to do. In my experience most people are very reluctant to admit they were at fault, unless theres something in it for them !! If it looks like taking responsibility will save a relationship or improve it for both of you then people will often take that responsibility. If there's nothing in it for your ex, he maybe won't. I suspect not. sad

Even if he says you were impossible to live with you may get something from it, even if it is just confirmation of what a selfish twat he is. Even if you learn you were difficult to live with (and sometimes we are!) it may give you some closure.

You could also try posting this on relationships as there is more traffic there I think.

AloneReed Sat 01-Nov-14 10:27:19

You know what it helps just talking about it; somehow just putting it out there helps you with answers - and you've made some valid points.
I doubt very much he will admit to being at fault in any way . . . I wonder if part of me wants to hear "i was mad to have lost you. I've regretted it ever since"?

NoMarymary Sat 01-Nov-14 19:39:30

I am absolutely sure you want to hear that! It's normal to want vindication and a type of approval that comes from hearing it wasn't your fault. My feeling is he would hold this away from you. It sounds as though he is still quite hostile, and maybe he is sat there wanting an apology from you and an admission it was your fault the marriage failed. After all, what's in it for him to admit he was wrong? There's no possibility of a friendship by the sound of it and maybe just for spite he would say everything was down to you and a few other nasty things besides.

Only do this if you are feeling very strong and sure of yourself. Don't let your self esteem get knocked further. If I was in the same situation and felt up to the challenge I would listen to what he said and if it was negative to me, be able to say to myself and him, he was the loser and I did the right thing. Then waltz off happy grin

AloneReed Sun 02-Nov-14 00:15:29

Lol thank you . . I am just watching SCD so waltzing off is quite apt atm!

whyMe2014 Sun 02-Nov-14 23:27:18

I think sometimes in our lives we do reflect back but sometimes we need to look in at our selves and not to someone else for answers. I doubt if he would ever give you the closure you need. The closure needs to come from you. You take charge and decide to move on and upwards.

However, I never take my own advice!

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