midlife crisis? separating after 18 years together(4 Posts)
Ok.here goes... I'm 36 and have been with my husband for 18 years so effectively all my adult life. We've been married the last 11 years and have 2 children, aged 5 and 11. He was my very first boyfriend and I absolutely fell in love, he's a great man, a loving father, and my best friend. Sounds fine but everything has come crashing down. Over the last few years, our interests have become different, we never date, we kind of live pretty separate lives whilst still being brilliant 'friends' bringing up the children. We own our own house, have jobs and cars and foreign holidays, everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. I cannot pinpoint when things changed, it's such a gradual build up of many things. My husband has endured several work redundancies, a nervous breakdown and depression but no one had a clue, I was his rock all those times, of course I was. Lately I've started to feel old and realise my own mortality and life is short and we must grab happiness. I love my husband but we never have sex unless I initiated it, and even then it was maybe twice a year over the last few years, the passion and spark has gone completely. I stopped initiatiating, and he didn't even seem to notice so this completely ground our sex life to a halt.I spoke about it but it's awkward almost like we are so close, like we areally more like brother/sister? It feels almost like I'm kissing a family member if he touches me, I try and avoid it. Yet I love him still so much but not in the way I used to. Anyway to move on, he's busy with his interests and work a LOT, to the point that emotionally I probably was feeling distant, we are like passing ships in the night. I have chatted to him many times that he is too focused on things to.the point that I feel quite low on his list, and he doesn't seem to recognise I feel like that.There are no argumentss or bickering, it's just like there's no sense of bothering about being passionate, we are just good friends that happily plod along with no romance or intimacy... I thought I could grow old like this..afyer all don't all marriages have stale patches??......... Until I met someone else who made me feel beautiful, and believe in myself, something I do have to say my husband has completely taken for granted and never ever calls me sexy or anything like that. I've tried with him believe me I've tried, but there's just no sense of him needing anything more than friendship to fulfill his ideal of a marriage. But this other person has awakened a part of me I had forgotten existed, and I know realise I can never go back to how things were. I have fallen for this other person and hate myself so much for allowing such feelings, but I truly believe this signifies there must be a void in the marriage if my heart goes elsewhere? Anyway my husband found out I had these feelings for this other person and that I am in an emotional affair. He was upset and we talked and talked and I was very honest, yet he never begged to keep things together, after I confronted him about the lack of passion and no spark, he admitted he had been burying his head in the sand for ages and plodding asking as we are still happy as friends together, not as lovers. But is it selfish I want more? I can't bear to think of the rest of my life with no passion and he has said he can't give me that. So.... We are separating, the children have read ted surprisingly well, family and friends are shocked bit supportive, but why do I still feel like I'm.tearing apart a perfect life? Yet in our hearts we have said we dontcwants counselling as we truly feel it's best to quit whilst we're ahead and remain best friends, than drain something that we probably are not wholeheartedly wanting to save anyway. I just feel so confused and would just like to hear from anyone in a similar situation,. Please don't judge me.
Hi Daisleymoon, I can identify and empathise with quite a lot of what you have said. I too want to separate and my husband doesn't. I'm not content to plod along in a loveless sexless marriage, even though I feel like I'm going to be causing disruption for our DD who is still at home and in a crucial year at school. (DS has already moved out at Uni.) I' don't think we've had a good relationship - there have been many times he's done or said things which have really upset me (mainly when alcohol is involved), and I've been threatening to leave since my first was born. This is also why the OH finds it difficult to believe this time is any different. I just feel numb towards him now. I've agreed to go to counselling, mainly because I want him to come to the realization that its for the best if we separate and hopefully make everything as painless as possible. Yes, I could go on for another 25 years, but like you, I feel I've wasted enough time and given this the best years of my life.
It's hard because it IS hard. There are loads of emotions you will go through and you have spent so much of your life with this man how could it not hurt.
Sex twice a year for most couples is a major issue. if your husband did not realise that that is very unusual . Perhaps the reason he's accepted the split is because he did know that this was not a full normal marriage but a sexless relationship that was unlikely to make you happy.
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