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Waiting for Decree Nisi and stbxh to exchange form E's and 11 year dd a nightmare!

(9 Posts)
bella1968 Sun 19-Oct-14 17:38:52

Hi all, not sure if this should be on behaviour of child or not in parenting board but I haven't posted for a while so here's an update.

Having had all the domestic abuse earlier in the year, it hasn't stopped really, stbxh has to make comments and digs everytime he sees me but does it to the children and makes sure that I can hear! Then he gets his solicitor to write to mine about my inappropriate behaviour! he thinks I'm playing a game and have lied about his abuse and doesn't like that I've talked to anyone about it as that is making him look bad.

The children have suffered and up till now neither wanted to live with their Daddy who is living with his aunt and uncle so can't really have them to live with him at the moment anyway. Now my daughter seems to be having real problems, I'm not sure if it's what happens between me and her Dad or problems at school or everything, she's been shouting and swearing and saying "go away you fucking woman" and calling me a thief because I've taken her ipod away from her. Friday night was a huge problem and I had to tell her to go to bed in the end, I was really emotional and was crying, simple couldn't cope and she wanted to go and live with her Dad, she had a bag packed and shoes on but only for the night. In the end I told her to go to bed. Saturday we had a great day out all of us with friends and then they went to a party last night with Daddy and then went to bed. This morning after an early church service at 8am I tried to get them to do homework around 10ish and have been trying to get her moving on it all day, now I just think that she will have to take the responsibility of getting detentions because she hasn't finished it. After the 2nd time of saying go away you fucking woman I smacked her on the bottom, I know it didn't hurt but I'm constantly questioning myself and my parenting skills now because of stbxh and it's killing me.

He doesn't think I can look after the children and tells them constantly that I'm a nasty piece of work, my daughter actually said to me today is everything her daddy says true now then!? she said I'm keeping her prisoner. What am I doing wrong? I think I'm looking after them fine and would like to think that this is just a blip that she's trying to get to me by saying this and more but I'm now taking the phones and making sure she can't contact him. I called him on Friday night because I was worried about her and he said I'm not clearing up your mess. I just said I wanted him to be her dad, be a parent and he laughed at me and said you threw me out the house and called the police on me blah blah blah, he always says this. To be honest I'm starting to think that this is convenient for him, he only sees them on a Sunday, is he doing this on purpose because he knows they will miss him and wonder if life is greener on the other side and living with Daddy. She doesn't seem to remember him shouting and swearing at her, only to me!!!!

I am hoping to go to arbitration but that doesn't sort out the children, my solicitor says that he hasn't said that he sees himself looking after the children on any forms so far but actually hasn't confirmed that he's happy for me to look after them. We are waiting for Form E as this will confirm it and then we can do arbitration. Other than that I have to apply to court by next month otherwise I'll have to go to mediation again (he refused to go). It's such a mess!!

Any comforting words please?


WellWhoKnew Sun 19-Oct-14 19:34:49

It ends! I don't know when, but it does.

As the best words of comfort I can give you.

The early days of a divorce are pure hell, utter pure hell. A parent using their children as a means to distributing abuse at the other is utterly disgusting, in my opinion. Also the legal process makes everyone very tense and angry (it's an adversarial process anyway), and so it's easy to be tempted to take cheap shots and wind the other party up.

The "trick" is to feign indifference and under no circumstances exact any revenge - because it just becomes 'tit' for 'tat'.

The best advice is to be NC as much as possible, and to structure handovers so that you don't have to see him or hear him. Until he discloses (Form E) everything is at best guess work - I bet you're hypothesising like mad and worst-case scenario-ing all the time (I know I did/sometimes still do), and by that I mean constantly worrying about he might do/say next, how extreme his behaviour will become.

What you need to do is make sure your own behaviour is impeccable. I realise that you will do some things with the best of intentions, and he will interpret them as being nefarious, but you have to focus on yourself and be certain that you're being the paragon of virtue.

Focus on building a happy home for you and your children, and as best you can, leave him to his 'righteous indignation' which seems to be the raison d'etre of the former abusive husbands!

I know it's very hard but when you kicked him out, he lost a lot of power over you. It's now time to through the remains of his power out, and reclaim your own confidence, self-esteem and sense of identity.

Trust yourself and believe in yourself.

Can you let us know the ages of your children? That way some appropriate advice can be given on what to say to them?

bella1968 Sun 19-Oct-14 23:20:20

hi WellWhoKnew we've messaged before. I've just read your words of wisdom, thank you and yes you are correct in what you say, I'm sick of 2nd guessing myself actually. I've amended their bedtimes from 8/8.30 to 7.30 now because of what he keeps saying and through the solicitors also. I guess I'm scared that if/when we go to court whatever proof/evidence he's collecting now the judge will actually listen to and I'll lose my children to him.

My children are twins 11 years old, boy and a girl and just started secondary school. I found out eventually this evening after dd being an absolute nightmare and horrible girl that some of it was because I didn't help with her homework even though I did she felt that she had to beg. We sorted that out as a misunderstanding and she'll be more communicative in the future, not having made many friends or a special friend is also bothering her at school. We discussed that she should talk to her form tutor and counsellor and I would too to keep an eye on her and also that she would give it the rest of the year as the uniform was expensive (we both smiled about that!) I am hoping that she will make friends soon as I know that this is a big thing in her life being 11. I will talk to her form tutor to see if there is anything that she can get involved in at school so that she can get to know other children in her year as there is 4 classes per year.

We discussed that I would send her straight to her room so that the behaviour was nipped in the bud and she asked that I not take her ipod away as this was her birthday present but maybe the tv priviledges instead. I explained that a consequence/punishment for whatever she'd done had to be something that taught her a lesson and that she'd miss to understand that her behaviour wasn't acceptable and she had a think about it. We will revisit it tomorrow but she understood that she would be sent to her room before anything major happened. I also explained that we all get angry from time to time but it is how we handle it that makes us a better person. I explained that that was why I went to court to remove Daddy from the house because his behaviour was inappropriate and I didn't want them picking this up and thinking it was correct. They have to learn to control their feelings so that it doesn't end up with shouting, swearing and name calling because that is unacceptable.

I feel much more in control of the situation today rather than when it happened on Friday evening, I didn't cry or lose my temper, I pointed this out to her and that I realised that there was something other than homework or not doing it or all the other things that she is trying to deal with at the moment and that she needs to talk to me as soon as I come in the door in the evening so that I know if she's in a bad mood and we can either talk or I can give her some alone time.

I hope that this will make things better, we also talked about how daddy keeps going on about not seeing much of his children but yet he doesn't make any effort or plans to see them more than just on the sunday, she suggested that maybe for the next 2 weekends she spends both days of the weekend with him so that he doesn't complain about this. I think this is a good idea and also gives me time to myself so that I can do something about my stress levels!

WellWhoKnew Mon 20-Oct-14 02:27:54

Wow! You've done some really good thinking and some really good talking.

You've also got a 'pre-teen' and so it's always helpful to remind yourself that parents up and down the country have "gobby and assertive" pre-teens too - not just children whose parents are divorcing.

This is not a slight on your parenting abilities - it is the realities of having a growing daughter who is starting to get hormonal.

Wait 'til she's 15!

But clearly, the divorce is going to bring out the worst behaviour in everyone (you, twat, and the children). But by the time she's 15, you're going to be very over your divorce....

By the way, being divorced (or instigating one) is not a crime. You are not on trial. And what I've now learnt about the divorce process - the vast majority of divorces barely get to a courthouse, and if they do, it's a very short 'rubber-stamping' procedure.

You have to have a real fuckwit of a STBX to actually have to have a trial (Final Hearing). So no, there's nothing about what you're writing right now that even remotely suggests you're going to be one of the 1% of people who go 'on trial'.

So stop thinking like a criminal!

And even if you are going to end up in a FH, you may well find yourself subject to scrutiny (e.g. CAFCASS) - that doesn't mean they ask you how often you do the washing up, and whether or not your children wear 'Prada'. They just will ask you, STBX, and the children about your feelings and wishes, and make a recommendation on that.

If your children were at risk, then it's Social Services that will be involved. That said, if they pay you a visit, it does not make you a child abuser. It just means they want to make sure everyone is okay.

Neither of these realities presumes you are in anyway failing as a parent.

Therefore, you can be forgiven by the wider society for occasionally feeding your children McDonalds wink.

PS: It's the parent who stays who brings up the children. No one ever said that was easy.

But taking responsibility is so much harder than spouting about rights.

Always remember that.

inthename Mon 20-Oct-14 03:39:00

Not easy, but please start trusting yourself. You did a great job today, you are doing a great job protecting your children whilst still making sure they see their dad.
You have to start making your own routines and trusting in them, you don't have to be whiter than white to be a parent who is going through divorce.
I divorced an abusive husband 10 years ago.
He stood in a full hearing and told a judge that my ds, amongst other things 'wasn't allowed to live in a flat' and that because I was on crutches I was physically incapable of caring for a 2 yr old - he tried for shared residence 4 times! Each time, it went to a final hearing because he wanted to be right at any cost. Take courage that 10 years later my delightful 12 yr old ds has always lived with me and visited his father.
We've had many bumps along the way, not least the toddler tantrums and the pre teen ones when me so much as touching him brought hysterical accusations my way, but we still hug before he goes to bed at night.
Biggest tip? Don't be afraid to set boundaries, there will be many bag packing sessions yet (I even helped my ds a few times!)
Don't make excuses for their dad, he is what he is and things are what they will be. Children often have selective memories - there are times, especially when tiredness hits, or I've said no,my ds claims he hates me, but he readily admits that he wouldn't actually want to live with his dad.
Oh, and after 4 final hearings, there wasn't even a suggestion of ds being sent to his dad by the judge or even cafcass getting involved, so do not fear the court process.

bella1968 Tue 21-Oct-14 16:22:27

thank you both for your comments, it really means alot. I'm trying to stay strong and believe in myself, that I am a good mother and there's nothing wrong with how I'm bringing them up.

I'm having another week of not hearing from his solicitor, sometimes I wonder whether he's really interested in sorting this out or divorcing in the first place? I wonder if he's trying to draw it out so that he can come and live back in the house when all the nastiness is over?

We had acknowledgement of my solicitor's letter last Wednesday saying that he is chasing my stbxh for Form E and we've still heard nothing!

Oh well I guess it's a waiting game and so today I've been working my socks off and just getting on with my life in my head and in my plans and he'll answer when he's good and ready but I'm not waiting around to live my life, I've done that for too long already!

It's a shame after 17 years but I'm not willing to spend another 17 pondering over whether we could have made it or not, I'd rather be on my own rather than someone who does nothing for me.


Lonecatwithkitten Wed 22-Oct-14 13:24:12

Having been on the receiving end of an extremely angry DD she was a year younger, but the behaviour was similar though not for the same reasons I can entirely understand how upsetting and frustrating it can be.
You have made an excellent start with really clear rules as to what is acceptable and what the consequences will be, the next bit sticking to it is harder. I have pointed out to DD on multiple occasions that her behaviour is bullying and would she treat her friends and teachers like this, if not then she should not treat me in this way. You do initially have to have a zero tolerance policy as she is likely to push the boundaries to see what she can get away with.
DD found the school counsellor very helpful and ultimately this was how we discovered the reason behind her behaviour.
Finally I make sure to set aside some time to do something special with her to ensure that she feels valued and important. Often this is just going to a coffee shop and sitting and talking.
It is really hard and I have wept more tears over this than anything else. After 9 months I feel I am getting somewhere, but it has been a slow hard road.

whyMe2014 Sun 26-Oct-14 23:03:56

My husband left me and my two children in August this year. I have to girls, 11 and 4. I didn't tell them that daddy had left at first because I thought he may come back but I found out he's been having an affair in September and he has now move two hours away to be with her.

My 11 year old thinks daddy is perfect and has no problem with him having a girlfriend. I tried to explain to her that you could not have a girlfriend while you still married but she thinks he can do no wrong.

He tries to manipulate her - he's very cute about it and drip feeds things to her.

I've been to her school and informed them of what's happened and she is on the list for counselling.

Some days she hates me with such passion that it breaks my heart but I keep telling her that mummy would never leave.

She lost her phone a few days ago and she got so angry that things came spilling out. It was awful.

But she will not tell her dad that she's feeling like this. When I try to tell him he just says that 'she'll get over it'. He doesn't believe that the two children are affected by what he's done.

We used to be so close but it feels like she's cutting me out of her life just like her dad.

Cristina27022008 Fri 07-Nov-14 15:54:24

Hi All,

I am so glad that I found this website it is so helpful. I just started divorce petition, I want to do all the paper works myself and have a lawyer to do just the financial issues, as I do not have much money. I live in Wimbledon and I work in the city. I would appreciate if I could meet up with some one whom went through the divorce to talk. I am so lost and scared. As I know for sure my husband will not be honest in his financial disclosure. As he always been hidden everything relative to his finances.

I am looking forward to hear from any one.

Kind Regards,

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