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Should i take my husband back

(26 Posts)
newmummy470 Sat 26-Jul-14 11:17:42

Im 31 been married for 4 years although we have been together since we were 16! Also have a gorgeous 4 month old baby.
I recently found out that 6-7 years ago he slept with two women behind my back. And up until about 3 years ago, on about 4 occasions he has gone out, chatted up a women, told them he was single and got their phone number. Although he said nothing ever happened and he always deleted the number the next day.

His reasons for doing this are. He got into the police force 7 year ago which was a big ego boost. And sometimes he didn't feel good enough for me, so chatting to another woman made him feel good. I can understand this, I've always had men come up to me if we've been out (more when I was younger) I don't always initiate sex whereas he does. I have commented on his weight before. Only for health reasons, he smokes and doesn't eat very well. Which I think has contributed.

In every other way he is a fantastic husband and dad toour baby. Everyone has always said we're made for each other and friends have always said he's spoke with such love and admiration for me.

I've told him the marriage is over because I feel so betrayed and all the lies. But I miss him so much. I'm scared I'll never meet anyone who I love as much, or who is as nice and perfect for me in so many ways. Or who will love our daughter as much.

But I also feel humiliated. Would I look weak and pathetic to other people for taking him back. And once a cheat always a cheat.

Is this normal to doubt my decision. Do I just need to stick with it and it'll get easier?? It's been a month so far. I feel so sad it's over. We would have had such a happy life together. I wish I'd never found out

Any advice, personal experience would be great

Bellabutterfly2014 Sat 26-Jul-14 12:35:19

Hey new mummy, I do have a little experience here. One of my exes had 2 kids and we had shared custody with his ex-wife. He worked away a lot and so I did a lot of the looking after which I didn't mind, the children were lovely and I had a good relationship with them.

As he worked away this gave him the opportunity to have a wandering eye. He told me he didn't want any more kids and that his family was complete. Whenever he came home he lavished us with presents and earns good money so we had a nice home and lovely holidays. He'd treat me like a queen.

Unfortunately, he treat other women like queens too. When we'd been together a year he went out, got a number and was textin this woman, he was sleeping one day afta a night shift so I got hold of the phone, text her and arranged, pretending to be her to meet her, taking out family portraits with me. The poor woman was mortified and she obviously had no idea, he had told her he was single!!! He begged me, for the sake of the kids to have him back and stupidly I did, it should have been game over then!!!

There were other incidents I let go, I thought all was ok until after 5 years he started behaving oddly, he still didn't want more kids, but after some investigations of the credit card bill (the company credit card paid work hotels) I found hotels, restaurants and he had been seeing another woman abroad where he was working and we split up, I'd had enough then the following week a friend of mine saw on fb that this other woman had given birth!!!!!!

As you can imagine I was heartbroken. If you are with someone, you are with them.

My mum gave me the best advice,if you take him back he will do it again and think you'll forgive him again and you are worth more and in addition to that, if someone can lie about something like a text message they have in it them to lie about anything.

It's easy to fall in love with an idea, a lifestyle and nice things but I had to be honest, I wasn't in love with him and the lies. Plus you are worth more than that!

Only you can choose what's best to do but think of yourself and whether you can put up with this, I wouldn't any more and I walked. It was difficult but I have a lovely partner now and we are ttc our own baby.

SlicedAndDiced Sat 26-Jul-14 12:36:27

Short answer? No.

newmummy470 Sat 26-Jul-14 20:24:34

Bellabuttey your story strikes alot of cords with mine. I do think perhaps I'm in love with the lifestyle. And obviously at the moment he's declaring his undying love for me.
I'm so scared I'll never meet anyone else like him (take away what he's done) or that I'll compare others to him. And will i find anyone good enough for my daughter. O I also feel lonely at the moment even though I have good friends and family round me.
How long did it take u to get over him and move on.

EarthWindFire Sat 26-Jul-14 22:22:22

A lifestyle is not a good enough reason to stay someone who doesn't respect you or treat you the way that you deserve.

He will however always be your DC dad and no future partner can take that place.

Minime85 Sun 27-Jul-14 06:49:16

Hi op. Hope you are ok. Can I ask how u found this out? It seems to coincide with him joining the police?

From my own experience, joining the police changes people. something about the job and shifts alters the way they behave.

I think you have a lot of emotions to work through to know if you still want to be together. How is he about it all?

newmummy470 Mon 28-Jul-14 09:31:51

Hi Minime,
I found out through Facebook. One of the women he'd slept with had been liking things on my fb page and sending me friend requests. Well the second I said his name, his face just dropped. I could tell instantly something wasn't right. He then said he couldn't access my fb account on the iPad so he had clearly been trying to check things. Anyway long story but I messaged her, she admitted it all so he had to. Apparently she also started stalking him about 3 years ago so he took out some kind of harrassment order out on her.
I then threatened him with a lie detector test (God sounds like jeremy Kyle) so he confessed having sex with another women to and chatting women up on nights out.
The second women he confessed to, I had known aboutpreviously but he always said it was just texting and stupidily I belived him.

Yes it all coincides with him joining the police, he said it boosted his confidence and women do seem to swoon over policemen. What makes it worse is that he is good looking and very friendly and charming to chat to. Which concerns me because he is very convincing when he's lied before and u start to think he is telling the truth but then his actions have said otherwise.

He says he's so sorry, was stupid, would fight for me, loves me so much, it would never happen again etc etc.
Even if he remained faithful and loyal from now on, I feel so betrayed, humiliated and hurt by him. And by taking him back feel like he's got away with it.

But on the other hand, we were good together, in every other way he treated me right. But am I being disillusional. Ok looking back he wasn't perfect, but who is. We have a 4 mth old and on his rest days he play golf most of the time instead of with us. It's like he didn't want his life to change and me and the baby had to fit around him. But he always have convincing replies like I have a stressful job I need my own space, I need my sleep for work (but would happily go n play golf) he couldn't stand the fact temporarily we would have less money while I was on maternity leave and said he sees people on fb doing lots of things. Even though he'd got a beautiful daughter.
It's like he's happy with life at home but he wants the single independent life to

Yes I have a mix of emotions.

Minime85 Mon 28-Jul-14 15:04:41

So even though it was a long time ago she is still hanging around on Facebook? Bit odd.

I really and truly empathise with you. My stbxh is in the police and was for 11 of our 13 years together. It was very hard especially when dcs were small. I used to want him to spend his rd with us and I tried probably too hard to make that one weekend we all had together a month a big deal and do something special.

I don't have experience of the affairs to offer advice that might help although I would say can u see passed it? Are u able to forgive? I don't know if I could. Is he on his knees seeking forgiveness and seeing what he has done is so wrong?

Re the police bit. I'd say try aNd mark on calendar nights just for the two of u and days that are family days. Equally, u both have time to yourselves. I hated it. If he wasn't at work he was in bed because he had either been at work or was going to work. My life now still revolves around his job with dcs and contact but at least we can make as much bloody noise as we like in the house smile

newmummy470 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:09:04

Over the last few days I think I'm starting to realise I have made the right decision. No I can't see past the betrayal. And while we are no longer together he can no longer hurt me.

It is hard being married to a policeman, yes the shift work leaves you on your own alot. Always late off. Hardly any wkends together or Xmas. And alot of people have said divorce rates in the police force are high. And honestly, i'm not convinced he wouldn't have done something in the future.

It's hard work starting over again. I'm considering going to counselling to help me through the next few months. I want to be on top form for my beautiful daughter ��

Bellabutterfly2014 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:35:28

Hey new mummy, sorry for delay in replying been away and left iPad at home like a donut!!!!
I was in love with the lifestyle and not the guy. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, it was hard but looking back I made the best decision.

In terms of how long it took me to get over it, I guess a good 6months but everyone is different - show him you're not sat in feeling sorry for yourself, glam up and get out and about and show him you can and will do better!!!! X

newmummy470 Mon 28-Jul-14 22:22:52

Thanku Bellabutterfly. Ive been finding it difficult to cope, but definitely feel I've turned a corner. Yes I deserve better, no I'd never trust him again and yes I will be ok without him. It may take time but I'll come out the other side!

Thanks for sharing your experiences x

Minime85 Mon 28-Jul-14 23:04:51

Newmummy you will absolutely be ok. I felt ashamed for a while after ex left. But I realised I had nothing to be ashamed of. It hit fan this time last year here and we limped badly on til October when he then left early November. I felt I turned a corner in the march and started OLD. I feel completely over my ex as my partner but I don't think I'll ever get over the break up of my family. For our dcs. But we work together for them now better than before and he puts in more effort. I think it sounds like u are doing the right thing. Divorce rates are very high. To put it into context. I know no one else in my friendship group or at work going through this. He was the third of his shift that I know of, last year alone, to leave his/her partner!

newmummy470 Tue 29-Jul-14 09:22:59

You're right. It upsets me because I never imagined having a child and divorcing the father. My own parents have been happily married for years. And I loved having the typical family set up.
It's a huge life change isn't it. I have good friends and family round me and my daughter, so feel blessed in that respect.
I guess time is the greatest healer.
Its put me off police man for life. Makes me think they're a sad bunch really.

Thanku again for your words.. it's definitely helped me ��

cutekitty15 Tue 29-Jul-14 16:28:03

Hi newmummy, stay strong sweetheart things will get better. It won't feel like that for some time and you'll still have days when you think you've made the wrong choice but a life without trust and peace of mind is no life at all.
I'm just finalising my divorce and to say I'm devastated is an understatement and we started the process 3 years ago BUT I know this is the right thing. He cheated on me for 3 years and even when I knew he still didn't stop. We tried the 'fresh start' approach but it wasn't long before the late nights, staying out overnight started again. I would say our life was really good, lovely families, financially secure but he clearly didn't think it or me was worth it. YOU, me and all the other women like us who are betrayed deserve MORE. No one has the right to treat us like that.
I think counseling will be a great idea, you need to get this out of your system so you can focus on the great life you and your gorgeous little one will have.
It's a heart breaking situation to be in, you sort if miss the life you could have had, but if they aren't prepared to play fair with us then how can it ever work, you'll always be wondering if he is telling you the truth.

newmummy470 Tue 29-Jul-14 22:40:02

Thanku. I think it makes it harder because I have to see him because of our daughter and he tells me he''ll always love me. But I know they're just words.
You're right, in a way it's like a bereavement. You crave your old life back and feel sad for the life you thought you would have in the future.

But you're right, in that he shouldn't have cheated, he made those choices, they're not mistakes, he didn't accidentally do it. And I couldn't live a life with no trust.

I'm definitely going for counseling, feel like I need some coping methods and help to move forward, knowing I'll still have to see him.

I just dont understand why u would betray someone so deeply and go through with actually having sex behind someones back! Ok yes we all imagine things, think someones attractive, but I'd never act on it. I'm faithful! And then they say how sorry they are and how much they love us, or in my case say it was years ago, n think it'll be ok. It has such an effect n they just don't realise.

Mini05 Tue 29-Jul-14 23:20:11

Well done for being strong and not be taken in by the words!!!

I took my ex back, worst thing ever! If he was late I'd be thinking where is he, whys he late. If he went somewhere. Has he gone there?
It drove me mad until one day I picked the phone up in the bedroom and pressed 3 last no dialled and it was this girls no who he said he wasn't seeing anymore!!!
End off. Last straw

Minime85 Wed 30-Jul-14 16:20:04

Newmummy you are exactly right it is a bereavement for all those things. And it was and still is for my own parents too for the son in law they thought they had and life they thought their daughter and grandchildren would have. But it does get easier honestly. I know my ex and I said at the start of it all we would always love each other and in a way I think we will as we are bonded by the dcs but I can't be friends with him. And you need to do things on the terms u are happy with. Keep it civil but business like. No chit chat. That may come in time but to start with, for your own sanity I'd create that distance between you. I did and it helped. A year on I'm dating now and wouldn't change things. Just like you say steer clear of the police! My life and dcs lives still completely revolves around his job but im trying to not let it rule me! You will get there smile

Onmyownwith4kids Thu 31-Jul-14 20:53:09

Please don't be taken in by words. I was. My husband like yours in the police force began an affair with a wpc. When I found out he swore it was a huge mistake, said I was the love of his life etc. I believed him but he carried on the affair behind my back. I feel exactly like you. I mourn my 2 parent family, we were best friends and have 4 young children. I wish though that I 'd started divorce proceedings earlier. I allowed him to carry on the lies and deceit. I think once someone had betrayed you so badly it's hard to get the trust back. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I felt exactly like you do. Now divorce is underway though I feel huge relief. There is massive grief for the loss of the future I thought I had but to be honest once the betrayal had happened your whole view of that person changes. I hope you're ok. It's so hard to go through this but it gradually gets better

newmummy470 Tue 05-Aug-14 23:25:19

Thought I'd give you all an update.
It's been just over a month and I'm pleased to say the daily crying has stopped. We are still seperated and I can't ever see that changing.
It's strange though, because at tines I feel incredibly sorry for my ex, he has lost everything. I still have the house and lots of friends and of course our daughter. whereas he is living back at his mum's, sees our daughter 4 out of 10 days (around his shifts) and doesn't seem to have too many friends. But I'm not a horrible person and guess it's because I do stil care for him? I know how hard this is and in a way it worries me he's going through the same. Am I mad!!!
But I do feel happier. He can no longer hurt me and I don't have to think every second of every day about what he's done, because it's over and done with.
I still look back fondly at some great times. Only 6 weeks ago we had our first holiday with our baby. Which was great but it makes me sad looking back at that now.
I still doubt whether I've made the right choice but I could never bring myself to take him back. I just so hope I meet someone special in the future who will also love my daughter and treat us both right.

cirawalker Wed 06-Aug-14 13:01:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

newmummy470 Thu 07-Aug-14 03:56:48

Hi again. It seems my uncle is trying to be match maker between me and my ex. The paragraph below is the email he sent to my ex

"What I said I based on snippets of information I have picked up over time and what I have been lead to believe recently. It's difficult from a distance to establish what is fact or what has been exaggerated. I am certainly not going to bang on about it or paint myself whiter than white when it comes to having a beer. I like it too much!

I do empathise with the shifts. I did nights and rotating shifts when * was a baby and so I understand how tired you can get and how difficult it can be to play a fully active role.

I think there is still bits and pieces I don't know. I'm not fishing for information as it's not really any of our business.

Despite * hard line, I remain optimistic that in time you could be a couple again. I don't think tactically it would be a good move to say this to her, but 5 months after the birth of *, there is every chance her hormones are still be all over the place which may affect how logically and rationally she sees things. Add to this bad advice from people telling her what they think she wants to hear and you have this seemingly impossible situation where she is saying the relationship has gone beyond repair.

Go back to the third paragraph of my message Monday night where I said to allow time and stay professional. In addition, don't do anything rash or agree to anything in the short term. Once you have gone down the divorce route, any of the old magic will be gone forever.

I absolutely want the best for * She is fantastic with * and looks completely at home with motherhood. I am not sure though that she has really considered how she will manage things on her own in the future. You really do need someone along side to share the responsibility of a young child. Just at the moment we have nice weather, light nights etc. She isn't working and so she has plenty of time to take things at her own pace. Move to dark nights, cold crap weather, nursery care, returning to work, illness, shopping, paying bills, tiredness, stress etc. and I think she will miss you and a caring, sharing relationship that is so vital to parenthood.

I am truly hoping that * will soften in the coming weeks will not think so bad of you. The way things have been with the family recently I don't think anyone has sat her down and really talked things through. She really doesn't need bad advice from individuals who think they know it all, but haven't managed to hold there own marriage together.

I'll test the water with her again soon. Let's not lose hope!"

Now my thoughts on this are that, no my hormones aren't all over the place, I dont trust him anymore and why should I take him back. No one is giving me bad advice or telling me what I want to hear. In fact a few people have said are you sure you can't work it out.
And is he not implying that I will struggle on my own and get back with my ex so I have help with my daughter. Surely that is the worse reason to get back with someone! But this message has now left me thinking perhaps I won't be able to cope. Help!

mrsbrownsgirls Thu 07-Aug-14 04:48:07

how did you get to see the email?
I think your uncle sounds v kind and caring actually.
only you know if he is misguided

newmummy470 Thu 07-Aug-14 08:41:08

My ex forwarded it to me

ouryve Thu 07-Aug-14 08:44:48

He's right. He's not good enough for you.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying about where he is, who he's with, what he's doing and having to occasionally get yourself checked for STDs, just in case? That's no way to live.

ouryve Thu 07-Aug-14 08:48:16

And not had my coffee yet and omitted to RTFT or even clock the date of the first post! Glad you're realising that it is no way to live.

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