Just separated

[zackandmiri]

Hi, just need some support. I've been with my partner for 12 years, never married, however bought house together and have a three year old. We've always had ups and downs and as of late (ie last two years or so) things just seem to be more down than up. I love DP however think I have fallen out in love with him, and I don't feel like I am attracted to him anymore. He is very laid back, and I feel like I have to be constantly asking him to do things, I know this is common with guys but I don't think I can do it anymore, especially since our daughter came along. I don't feel like I get the support that I should as I feel raising our daughter should be a partnership but lately its more my doing things on my own with her. He's not abusive or anything like that but can be increasingly moody or down about things and I'm fed up of trying to lift him up and be positive about things. We split once before about 6 years ago for a couple of months but we decided to give it another go.

Things came to a head on Wednesday as we have been out of sync for a while, I'm not great at confrontation and as usual he did most of the talking. We decided to call things a day, he moved to his mums house on Thursday and to be honest I feel quite relieved, not having to worry about him or what he is doing, or what mood he is in. I know its only been a couple of days but I feel ok about things thus far.

I know things will be difficult at times and my daughter is the most important person in the world to me so I realise that I have to be happy to ensure she is happy.

I worry that I will 'give in' to him because the difficulty in separating everything etc will be too tough. Generally I'm a strong person but I've gave in before however I realise this time I can't. The texts have started with him wanting to give things a go, he'll change etc, but again I've heard this all before.

Thanks for reading this far, happy to hear from people who've been in similar situations and have been strong enough to get through it!

[Blakey3166]

Hi Hun,

I could have wrote your post myself.
My ex and I survived ten years tooing and froing over splitting up- getting back together for kids- trying to repair damage done.
Things came to a head 2 years ago when he got a job- and a big promotion- and the male chauvinist (below the surface for years) really came out and I was expected to keep on with it. I was virtually left to be a single parent whilst he was off being important in job.
Anyway cut to the present- I am happier now- I get lonely in the evenings sometimes- but normally once my ds(6) hAs gone to bed my evenings gone.
It's been tough getting into my stride, working full time- shiftwork - it's hard to get a pattern. But eventually you do and you start to enjoy your own company again, an ds's properly. I don't feel the pressure to keep house/shopping/mum/wife pretences up to such a high standard- I can cut myself some slack some days.
I think it takes a good 6 months to even start to get on an even keel emotionally/financially etc but don't let this stop you.
We were so tied up financially it was hard and tight.
I guess in all this- only you will know when you are ready to throw in the towel.
It's no shame to also keep trying at it- either way, we ve all been there - trying to figure out what's best- but I am here trying to say- if you do throw in the towel, you ll be ok, and at least you ve given it a good good go

Xxx

[zackandmiri]

Hi Blakey, thanks for taking the time to reply.

We spoke again last night about things and he has again (like last time) realised in the few days that he has been staying at his mums, that he doesn't want to split up, how much he loves me (even so much to mention he's been thinking of marriage!) how he's realised how much he hasn't been spending time with our three year old daughter.

He admitted that he also felt we'd been drifting apart but felt that he needed to sort things out with himself. I explained to him that I felt we'd drifted apart months ago and that I felt like I was a single parent most of the time.

He wants us to try again but I explained that I felt it was too little too late and why it takes us to get to this point for him to realise all this? I explained that I believed I couldn't go on in this cycle of up and down. That I've tried so hard to keep optimistic about things but I was tired of trying so hard all the time.

He says his heart is breaking and he's losing me, his daughter, our house etc. (We are also financially tied up with stuff so it will not be a straightforward break up).

This is what I was afraid of and I feel awful of the thought that I am the one splitting up our family or that my daughter won't have her daddy around because I didn't want to continue in the cycle :(

I feel I just need to get me thoughts down on here as its impartial and whereas family and friends will understandably have their own opinions.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

It's not you that's breaking it up though, it's him with his lassitude. He must have known this was coming and...yet...he..did..nothing!
I suspect it's partly being back home with his Mum that has made him think and it's making him miserble but you shouldn't be merely a stop gap for him. You've tried and given it a good go and he hasn't changed. Get on with your life OP and make it a good 'un.

[Blakey3166]

The heart breaking statement he made is about himself and the situation he's put himself in.
From an outsiders view- you sound like you feel guilty, but are not the guilty one.
It takes one of you, to break the cycle and it's no point scoring if it's not you or is.
I feel for you as it was exactly how my years played out in my marriage.
In the end it's tiring, you spend all of your days an nights thinking on it etc.
If you truly think you will be better off and are tired of this- then call it a day- ur daughter when she's old enough will understand- and she won't have to know the ins and outs of it all.
Also she will have her daddy around- I used to think same and still do not like the single parent life- his dad is a twat and quite Disney dad- but he sees him- nearly every other day- he's 6- and also if his parents are a help they will ensure he maintains his relationship with her.
Don't get back together out of guilt- it won't work- it never does- take it from someone who's done it more than 4-5 times.
And also- don't keep speaking to each other going over and over it otherwise you may aswell be living together - set a day this week for him to take your daughter out for a few hours/day to give you a rest. Then set a day near weekend where u talk for 30 mins no more.
Give him set times/dates so that he knows he will get to talk to you and put his points across and doesn't feel shut out- but also gives you time to think on what you need/want to do.
If your going over and over it day in and out it muddys the water and both of you cannot see the wood for the trees.

[JaneParker]

If he earns more than you do then there is a huge advantage in patching things up and marrying quickly even if you divorce in 18 months' time. Also if you'd like more than one child in your life cynically the easiest way to get the second one is a reconcilation now to have the second child after the quick marriage.

Also if you do let him back on the basis he marries you do make sure it is with clear conditions eg he does half the house work , he has the child alone all day Saturday whilst you go out and he does bed time routine on his own at least 3 nights a week etc etc etc Very specific changes.

[zackandmiri]

Thanks for your replies, I've been away on holiday and have a clearer head now, the holiday was good as it was just my daughter and me - we had a lovely time.

I've explained to him I do not want to continue in the relationship any longer, its hard as I still care for him but explained that I was not in love with him anymore. So far its been mostly amicable, apart from a few outbursts from him, though I know he would prefer for us to try again.

Blakey, I understand what you mean about getting back together because of the guilt feeling, I'm trying to put that to one side as I know if that happened again it wouldn't work.

I know there's going to be tough times ahead but generally I'm feeling positive about the whole thing which is the first step :)