Advanced search settlement vs feeling angry and hurt

(33 Posts)
flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:38:05

I was wondering if anyone could advise.

I had a short marriage to a man older than me. He has two teenage children. He refused to have children with me although I was so desperate. He was terribly emotionally and verbally abusive to me throughout the relationship (as pointed out by very kind ladies on mumsnet.Tx!)

Anyway he decided to emmigrate to the states. We had a on and off arguments for ages. He said I had to either choose between him or a baby. And either move to states (although I didn�t want to for work reasons) or get divorced. I didn�t move so he is divorcing me. He hasn�t spoken to me for weeks just sent papers through the post and email. It is truly a horrible and heart breaking experience.

I have signed the divorce papers (in English law/ territory). I don�t want to be married to him as he treats me like my needs are nothing. Anyway I am now all upset because he wants to walk away giving me no money. My solicitor asked me what I want to do, but of course any bit of advice she is charging lots and lots. I don�t know whether to walk away. In my heart I feel betrayed and bitter towards my ex. He wasted possibly my last three years chance to have kids (Im now 40). I hate him so much for this I could have stuffed him over for a life time of child support. I could have worked less and earned less. I looked after his kids. He wants to walk away as if nothing happened. In truth I think I want some retribution for his actions.

However, I am a professional I earned over �120K last year, I don�t have many assets 200K approx. in cash ( i save a lot of my money). He earns around 200K and has around 650K in house assets and around 100K in savings. However he has two kids in exclusive boarding school. He kind of got me to agree to move out of our family home by letting the nanny move in with an idea that she could look after his kids when they were on holiday if I moved to the states. In the end I didn�t move to the states and now left renting a terrible studio flat by work. He owns the house in his name and some assets in USA and in Dubai.

Solicitor says husband wants to walk away for a clean break with no money settlement. I can�t decide if I want the money, I am being greedy or just really want justice for what he has done. He nearly destroyed my life, health and happiness. Left me childless. Now I feel old and bitter. Do you think I should walk away or take him on.

Sorry for the rant I feel terrible.
Anyway I was wondering what people think I don�t want to act for the same reasons. Ie. I am not being greedy I guess I just don�t want him to get away with it.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 16:42:37

If you only had a short marriage and you earn plenty to support yourself, what exactly do you think you're entitled to?

At best I would assume that you might be entitled to 50% of any increase in his assets whilst you were married but I don;t understadn why your solicitor can;t advise you on that.

Why are you renting a "terrible studio flat" if you earn £120k a year shock Rent somehwere nicer.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 16:45:27

However hurt you are and however much of an arse he is, the divorce laws in this country don;t work by punishing the "guilty" party. In fact there isn;t a guilty party anymore - we have no fault divorce and to be fair it doesn't sound like he ever agreed to have more children however much you might have wanted them. It doesn;t sound like he misled you on that.

MaryPoppinsBag Tue 03-Jun-14 16:46:53

Walk away with your head held high.

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:54:31

Thanks. I guess if you already have children you don't know what it feels like. He said he would have kids if I wanted them, then changed his mind saying i don't deserve them because I am not motherly enough etc etc etc. I told you he was emotionally/verbally abusive. he moved to states although I didnt want him to go. He asked me to marry him then treatmed me like total crap. I am not saying I deserve anything. That is the point you dont know what it feels like to have behaved sensibly all your life. Not to have any pregnancy "accidents" that so many people claim they have had despite the face contraception if taken correctly is pretty effective, and to be left with nothing but a stressfull job, lonliness and no children. Maybe mumsnet is not the right place. If you dont have any children despite desperatly wanting them and being able to you probably dont understand.

HerRoyalNotness Tue 03-Jun-14 16:56:58

So you were married for 3yrs at most? Work out what you both saved/paid off in assets over 3 years. and split the difference.

for a basic example, you saved 50k, he saved 70k, difference 20k, you get 10k.

To want any more than that is grasping.

HerRoyalNotness Tue 03-Jun-14 16:57:56

Sadly for you, you can't expect compensation for lack of children though.

VerucaInTheNutRoom Tue 03-Jun-14 17:00:08

You sound very bitter. I do sympathise but as other posters have said, you are unlikely to benefit financially from challenging him in court and you will waste money on solicitors fees.

Gather your dignity, sign the papers, walk away and try and put this behind you. 40 is not too old to have a baby. You might meet someone else very soon or you could even consider the sperm donor route. Either way, looking for retribution is only going to hold you back. Good luck, OP.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 17:10:09

Flopsey - I think its very unwise of you to assume that you know the personal experience of any poster without even asking.

Not all posters are mothers, not all posters came by their children the conventional route, some posters had their children over 40 after relationships broke down, some suffer from infertility.

Some of us tick all of those boxes...

But u don't get compensated for your ex not wanting children however desperate you are for them. The law will not agree to punish him for being an arse.

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 17:19:05

I know I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I just felt people were being a little judgemental calling me grasping. I'm really tired of working so much over 18 years of postgraduate exams and training and feeling like there is nothing more to life. I wanted a husband to look after me and have a family with. Instead he completly destroyed me with his words and actions then deserted me. I just feel a failure and un lovable. I have always tried to be ethical and seems like it may have been better just to get pregnant on purpose.

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 17:34:55

I am sorry if I offended anyone. I think just having a bad day. Sorry.

schoolsgettingonmynerves Tue 03-Jun-14 17:44:32

Ahhh don't beat yourself up. You are bound to feel bitter - I know I would.

However divorce aside for a minute - it's not too late for kids - what about sperm donation? I have read lots of stories about that recently. Forget that prick, you earn good money yourself now focus on something that will make you happy.

eurochick Tue 03-Jun-14 18:02:25

Sorry you are having a bad day.

Unfortunately divorce settlements are not there to compensate you for marrying a dick. They are there so that the children of the marriage are supported financially and that any party who has sacrificed earning power for the good of the family doesn't suffer disproportionately from that.

In your situation you should get back a fair share of what you put in- so any savings or house equity. Take that and move on with your life. That would be my recommendation.

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 18:18:12

I think I am just annoyed at myself. I let him boss me. Took the pill although I wanted children because I though it was wrong to entrap someone. He wanted lots of sex and a solvent independent women to look after herself and his other kids without caring about what I wanted. If I confronted him he would go crazy, rant try to throw me out of the house, threaten me and call me every name in the book. Smear my name to collegues and family. Now left with nothing. Because I am responsible and have a job and financial independence I get nothing. He walks away probably to another women with no retrubution for his behaviour. I know I sound bitter but I feel really bitter.

Iflyaway Tue 03-Jun-14 18:34:37

It, s o.k. to feel shit after the end of a relationship. You had dreams that didn, t materialise.

However, for your own state of peace, best to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

Don, t let this man fuck up the rest of it!

ForeskinHyena Tue 03-Jun-14 19:21:04

"Now left with nothing. Because I am responsible and have a job and financial independence I get nothing."

You have a job and financial independence, that's not nothing. It's a hell of a lot more than some SAHMs end up with after being treated appallingly by their exes, they then get left looking after the children without so much as a £5 contribution from the ex, who swans off and starts again with some other unsuspecting mug.

Honestly, think yourself lucky you never had kids with this dick, otherwise you would be tied to him forever. Wave him off to the US and get on with living your independent life, counting your blessings. Yes, he made your life a misery for a while, but now he doesn't have to have any influence on you at all and as long as you come out of it having lost nothing more than time, you've done well.

I understand why you feel pissed off, but honestly, read some of the other posts on here to see how well shafted some women get in divorce.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 19:52:01

well yes getting pregnant on purpose was always and option provided you don't mind being a single parent with an arse of an ex-h that you have to facilitate the children seeing without a penny of maintenance becuase its impossible to get out of him living in the USA.

You are a professional women with a good salary and a whole life ahead of you and it won't be contaminated with having an arse for a husband anymore. Thats not nothing.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 19:52:27

Apologies to George Herbert for the misquote but its close enough!

Kewcumber Tue 03-Jun-14 19:53:12

And if being a mother is that important to you then there's more than one way to skin a cat.

SongsAboutB Tue 03-Jun-14 20:19:28

What I would want in your situation would be to be in the financial position that I would be in if I had never married in the first place. So if you owned a home and sold it to move in with him and the housing market has gone up then I would be looking for a share of the increase in equity in the marital home. I would also want him to pay my divorce costs. You didn't give up work or change job to suit his interests so fortunately you haven't lost out that way.

On the other hand he is out of the country and, as he's a total arse who has shown the he enjoys tormenting you, the chances are that you won't get any money at all out of him. And you might run up huge costs trying to do so. Walking away might be the best thing for your peace of mind.

Have you signed the papers and sent them back already? I bet he wants to get divorced quickly (so he can snare another victim), so you could offer to agree to an immediate divorce if he pays £x up front otherwise you will be taking your time to consider your options and he can wait.

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 22:04:12

Ive already signed the papers. The lawyer told me to sign them. He's paying the court fees but thats only £400. The lawyer fees for both of us are more of course. I'm not sure if the lawyer is giving me the best advice as of course she has a interest in making money out of our divorce. I know I sound bitter. No one said life was fair, It just undermines your hope in life and love. I never thought I'd end up all alone at this age with no family.

twizzleship Tue 03-Jun-14 22:32:54

in my opinion, i don't think you're being greedy, i get the feeling that you want 'justice' for the wrong done to you. you're hurting and you want to hurt him back and you think his bank balance is where he will feel it the most. it's completely natural to feel like that....but at some point you need to look at this from a different perspective if you want to get over it and not end up remaining feeling bitter for life.

you dont know what it feels like to have behaved sensibly all your life. Not to have any pregnancy "accidents" that so many people claim they have had despite the face contraception if taken correctly is pretty effective, and to be left with nothing but a stressfull job, lonliness and no children

i know what it feels like to have behaved 'sensibly' with regards to the above and with other things, like paying my own way in life,scrimping and saving to buy essentials or going without if i can't afford it - and there have been plenty of things i have wanted/may want one day that i cannot afford - children being one of them. i can empathise with you - to a certain degree (afterall, you earn 100k pa whilst the most i've earned was 21k grin).

i know how awful it used to make me feel inside - and how angry - when i saw my siblings/friends/strangers having things that they either didn't 'work for' or put any personal effort and sweat into and have everything handed to them on a plate....but that's life and you cannot control other peoples actions - only your own.

as other posters have said, we need to count our blessings and that does hurt a bit at times in the beginning but it does get better...once you realise and accept the part that you played that landed you in that situation. If you continually see yourself as the victim you will finder it harder to move on emotionally. i know you stayed because you loved him and you thought time would change things for the better,but no matter the reason-it was you who chose to stay with him for 3 years despite his behaviour towards you and broken promises. once you forgive yourself for the part you played in bringing about that situation then you will see some of that anger and bitterness dissipate.

i say this with empathy and understanding so please don't take it as a personal attack or anything negative.

As others have said, unless there are children involved then the likelihood is in a very short marriage that you take out what you put in

There is no provision in financial remedy part if divorce for 'retribution' so you will not be compensated for not having had children.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I understand why you feel pissed off, but honestly, read some of the other posts on here to see how well shafted some women get in divorce.

Just wanted to point out that many men get 'shafted' too wink

flopseyR72 Wed 04-Jun-14 11:51:05

Thanks. This is what annoys me, sometimes I wish I had just had a child. Who is any man to tell me I can't, ruin my happiness then walk away and nothing happens. I dont think I believe in marriage anymore. Whats the point in being married if people can just do what they want anyway and walk away without anything but a small lawyers fee. I am so bitter at the moment.

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