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Why is he not showing guilt for adultery?

(19 Posts)
mum4firsttime Fri 16-May-14 22:48:12

A week ago my husband told me he was having an affair with a girl 12 years younger than himself (30yrs). He left home a year ago saying he needed to leave to become a better husband and Father to myself and our 3yr old. We were doing ok in our relationship but i do know our relationship had changed for him since having my son and we were both responsible for trying to make that better. He started staying at his parents then moved in with this girl as she had a spare room in the same village as his parents. It appears over that time he found a shoulder to cry on and that developed into a sexual relationship. Over the last year I have kept it together for our son and pushed to find out if our marriage was over but he was always adamant it wasn't, but clearly over time we become less connected. He visited our DS 3 times a week and called him every day which was hard for me as I had to be there for all he calls as a 3yr old struggles with conversations on the phone! He also pushed for my son to spend time with his new lodger 'friend' which i refused as i had my suspicions. To cut a long story short he turned up last Sunday with all his stuff in the car saying he had had an affair over the last few months with the lady he was living with but was not happy there or in our situation but needed to come clean and he completely understood if I sent him away. I let him back in the house only so we could sort this out once and for all. To top it all both he and the girl involved work at the same company as I do so I have no escape. I have set up a couple counselling session next week and he says he will go after quite a bit of pressure but whether he does make it i am unsure. I need us to get everything on the table with someone keeping track as i find him hard to talk to. The one thing that gets to me is he appears to have no remorse, he gets angry and says some really nasty things to me when questioned about the affair and i can only assume he feels he has now got it off his chest so he feels it doesn't need to be discussed. He also says he will stay friends with her (after saying he burnt his bridges) and has even talked about her to my son. He also walks around and talks like nothing is wrong. I feel I am going mad with anger regards all the lies and his current behaviour. Is this normal and how do I tackle this? Any ideas? Anyone experienced the same?

MrsMcEnroe Fri 16-May-14 22:56:57

Wow. What an arsehole.

To answer your question: he's not showing any guilt because he doesn't feel any guilt.

Only you can decide how to proceed from here.

FWIW, I'd divorce him.

What do you want to do?

mum4firsttime Fri 16-May-14 23:22:19

That's a very good question that has been hard to answer but its becoming clearer - I certainly can't continue living this way and I don't think it's best for my son. However my fear is then my son spending time with his partner/s.

RyvitaLoca Fri 16-May-14 23:32:56

wow. he thinks he can do whatever he likes and you'll accept it. he told you he was cheating and he hasn't even pretended to feel guilty. So, the message he's got from you.... sad is that he can cheat on you and you will still take him back.

Acting normal is gaslighting you. Like, if you act annoyed with him, YOU are the crazy one. So what do you do, BE the crazy one (not fair that that role is cast on you) or .......... ignore the situation?

You have NO choice. He has no respect for you and he's not even trying to HIDE that. Tell him it's over.

RyvitaLoca Fri 16-May-14 23:35:41

ps, different type of bad behaviour, but my x used to be abusive (physically and verballY) and then five minutes later he'd feel better having got the anger off his chest, so then he'd offer me a cup of tea and then when I said no, he would get annoyed with me for not acting normal. And then the whole thing was flipped around, like I was the martyr, I was the dramatic self-absorbed one. It was torture. I had read about men who lashed out and then begged for forgiveness in the next breath, and whilst a "sorry" doesn't mean it never happened, at least you know you're not going crazy.

scarletforya Fri 16-May-14 23:39:40

Op, I bet his other woman kicked him out. You shouldn't have let him come back. He's probably just using you for somewhere to live. I'd divorce the prick.

mum4firsttime Sat 17-May-14 07:37:24

Thanks. Really useful to hear your responses. You start to think you are going mad. Just waiting for the counselling session next week so everything can be said and then acting on it - as there will be no hiding for him there. If he doesn't go or still hides I guess there is my answer!

BuzzardBird Sat 17-May-14 07:43:07

You will kick him out. Its just a matter of time until the penny drops. Yes, he is using you and he is strutting around like king cock thinking he has the answer to world domination. Twat.

MrsMcEnroe Sat 17-May-14 16:48:19

I seriously doubt that he will be honest in the counselling session. He doesn't have any reason to be honest really, does he?

mum4firsttime Sat 17-May-14 22:07:06

All good points. The counselling we are taking is unusual as it is a one off 3hr session and its a couple who run it together so it will be hard for him to hide but saying that I need to get him there first and ultimately if he is not committed now I guess we are unlikely to work this out - indeed if I want to!! Reading all comments in this section I am realising this behaviour is pretty common and we all deserve more than this! Thanks again.

Cabrinha Sat 17-May-14 22:25:55

I'm sorry to kick you when you're down OP, but you need to be realistic and you need to be angry.
I would put money on him having left "to be a better husband and father" (what an arsehole) because he was already having an affair a year ago.
The parents stay was a stop gap to hoodwink you.

I wouldn't bother with counselling.
Look - counselling only works if you're both committed. You can't even get him to go, easily.
Your marriage isn't worth that to him - and anyway, he thinks he can talk you round without going.
If he can lie to you - which he can - he can lie to you in front of a counsellor. They aren't there to call him out on lies. They facilitate, that's all. I'm sure wheny ex and I had counselling, the counsellor was thinking "well he's cheating" but would only go so far as to say "well can you see why she thinks you're cheating?". Of course he didn't admit it.

He's coming running back cos it hadn't worked out with the OW. Tell him to fuck off. A cliché I know, but you DO deserve better than that.

RyvitaLoca Sun 18-May-14 09:30:15

yes, be careful. counselling didn't get us anywhere, because I felt ashamed on behalf of my x for things he felt no shame about, so although some watered down version of the truth was presented to the counsellor, the 'spin' it had attached to it was all controlled by him. So somehow, yeh, I came out of it lookinng 'high maintenance' somehow when that wasn't the truth at all. I'd given given given given and he would never concede EVER. But the premise (? ) of some couple counselling is that one concession should be matched by the other party conceding something.
so somehow, although a 'deal' of sorts was awkwardly thrashed out in front of the counsellor, the way it panned out in real life months down the line was that he alwasy had a very good reason not to make the concessions 'agreed' but I had to make even more. I was literally bending over backwards so far i was going to break before counselling, and there was nothing left after counselling.
so, i would be waryy of counselling and would really prioritise individual counselling for yourself. I really value the sessions I had on my own.

shey02 Fri 23-May-14 10:40:19

Gosh OP, I questioned this myself with my exh, answer was he didn't love me, didn't value me, so how could he feel guilt/remorse for something that actually he really enjoyed and valued.

You've been okay for the last year, I would kick him out before your dc gets used to this again. You can do better, I'd move on and now really is the time. If you 'try again' how many more years will you wait/waste before he does this again. Your child is young, he will adjust quickly as will you. How many chances will be gone in meeting the right man/your soulmate if you waste more time on this relationship...?

mum4firsttime Sat 24-May-14 10:10:18

Thanks all, really helpful. Counselling did happen and was useful but in a different way - made me realise I need to move on - mainly as he couldn't commit to not communicating with her for just a month and i accepted in my head it wont work if he is not committed (you were right). i also realised how far apart we have been for a number of few years. Was good also as it was a couple who did the counselling so very balanced views and he has since been remorseful. The hard bit for me now is now accepting it and finally building my own life, but as you say I have subconsciously done that for a year - just got to stop worrying what he is doing and focus on myself and my son. Any tips on how to get my head around my son spending time with his new partner would be welcomed, coz I guess that's the next upset I will have to deal with!

shey02 Sat 24-May-14 23:28:04

It is upsetting at first. But, you must very quickly for your own sanity adapt. If you can embrace the fact that Mum comes first, no one replaces mum and realise that you are not competing with anyone for your son's affection it will be easier for you. Don't show him your tears, don't make him feel guilty when he comes back. Just love him as you normally do, be constant, be strong. And find something to do when he is gone that you start to look forward to, whether that's seeing friends, your parents, going to gym, for a bike ride, internet dating, etc. Something small maybe, that will grow into time withOUT your son that you eventually value.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 25-May-14 09:13:04

I'm sorry you are here. My advice is get busy when your son is not with you I used to clean in a frenzy so I was exhausted and Ibatch cooked as well. After a few months I didn't need to be quite so busy I then joined a choir meet some lovely new friends who have only ever know me as a single mum which is nice. I started a new hobby (crocheting) I have made lovely gifts for friends and family and it fills the evenings too.

shey02 Sun 25-May-14 09:28:13

Lonecat, the little detail you mention is quite satisfying, that of meeting people who only know you for who you are now, a single parent. I love that about some of my new friends, that they don't know my ex or me when I was with him. It's a fresh start, a new you OP.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 25-May-14 09:33:12

Shey you are right as lovely and supportive as old friends are sometimes I feel it is all about my split ( still ongoing in a long and gruesome way due to ExH). My new friends don't know any of that stuff and I haven't told them so am able to be just me. Plus with a choir nobody is there as a couple so at social events it is not obvious I am alone which is nice.

mum4firsttime Sun 25-May-14 11:45:35

Great advice thanks. Early days but things are quite calm now after us facing up to what needs to happen. It will be hard to keep my cool but as you say hoping that when I start living my life I will feel miles better. Thank you!

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