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Can relationship counselling save us? Or is needing help the beginning of the end of us as a couple?

(13 Posts)
CarrotsAndApples Sat 10-May-14 21:23:09

My DH and I are having problems and I don't know how to fix them. Does something like Relate really work? Don't you just hear more of each others' complaints and have more to argue about? I don't feel ready to give up, but we are definitely not happy at the moment.

We have two young children and have had some stressful times - making us further apart rather than being more of a team. Family illness, redundancy, kids don't sleep so we hardly see each other, no sex life.

We gripe at each other and I feel that he undermines my parenting - saying yes to the kids to avoid tantrums while I'm the "bad guy" who says no.

I am depressed but haven't started medication or counselling yet. I know everything is linked - I can't tell if I am angry with him because I'm depressed, or depressed because our marriage is failing. Sorry for rambling. Has anyone been through similar?

Celynfour Sat 10-May-14 22:41:51

We went to Relate.
It did help. One day in the sessions we looked at eAch other and realised we didn't need to be there. It unravelled some knots.
Sadly years down the line we seperated but I would recommend it as a good neutral place to air grievances. Takes them away from home.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime Sat 10-May-14 22:47:56

Agree, Relate very helpful for clarifying issues. I went alone which was better for our problems than joint sessions. Worth a try.

CarrotsAndApples Sat 10-May-14 23:07:44

Thanks for the replies. Interesting to hear you went along alone Lady - hadn't thought about that. Will look into options locally.

ElizabethFailer Sun 22-Jun-14 18:17:18

I don't know, but I feel like I'm in exactly the same situation at the moment. Not here to kidnap the thread, but will be keeping an eye on it.

Minime85 Sun 22-Jun-14 18:50:10

Think you should give it a try otherwise if things don't work out you will always wonder but what if we had tried it. And it might really help.

We went but were too far gone or at least me ex was in his change of feelings for me and to be fair I came out of first proper session saying please don't make me go back there. It wasn't for us. It's expensive too bit if you say you are struggling they will reduce it for u

harryhausen Sun 22-Jun-14 19:06:26

Me and dh went to Relate. We were having problems. Young children, stressful times, tiredness, lack of sex, lack of communication, general lack of fun.

It was good. It definitely helped us talk better. I heard some things that I never knew dh felt of thought. I think we just discovered that we did indeed like each other still.

It wasn't a magic bullet. About 6 months afterwards we hit another crisis point and nearly split - the difference was that this time we felt somehow close enough to be able to talk about it (cry, shout and laugh a bit about it too!).

So yes, Relate helped us - but the 'work' still goes on. I'm very glad we did it as I feel closer to dh now and we have more fun!


harryhausen Sun 22-Jun-14 19:09:37

I just wanted to add that just after Relate the Gp gave me antiD's for anxiety and depression. They have helped me a lot.

I'm unsure why or where the depression began (liked you said - problems in marriage causing it or vice versa?) but of I'm honest with myself I've had low level depression since the dcs were born and I think it just took 8 years to come to a head!

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 24-Jun-14 08:38:50

When I went to relate with ExH they emphasised that it is relationship counselling and about 50% of people stay together as a result and the same number split.
You both need to be committed to it for it to work. In my case sadly my ExH was using it to be able to say 'he had tried everything to save our marriage' (not giving up his mistress though).

Letitgoletitgo Wed 02-Jul-14 08:05:07

Didn't work for me either Lonecat, same issue, XH wouldn't give up ow. Wouldn't really open up in sessions. You both have to want it to work and be honest, but he didn't.

WhitesandsofLuskentyre Sat 05-Jul-14 21:42:24

We went to Relate. Helped to show me the marriage was dead. He played the blame game because he had absolutely no intention of giving up the OW.

tumbletumble Sat 05-Jul-14 21:50:10

My DH and I went on a marriage course when we had 2 young DC and it was good, helped us communicate better. I would say we were going through a rough patch rather than anywhere near splitting up, but who knows, maybe the rough patch would have got worse if we had done nothing to deal with it.

vanillavelvet Fri 13-Feb-15 22:40:58

Carrots, I've just come across this thread after doing a search and wondered how things went last year? I could have written your post almost word for word (hence my search). I am planning to contact relate next week...

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