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Divorce. How to move forward. Feeling like everything pointless.

(12 Posts)
flopseyR72 Sat 26-Apr-14 11:05:22

Does anyone know how to move on after a divorce?

I had a short and painful 3 year marriage to a man. I still am in love with him. I didn't want to get divorced. He lives abroad at the moment and has sent me divorce papers through the post. He won't doesn't speak to me. Not even a phone call to say he is getting a divorce. I feel so desperate like life is not worth living anymore. i don't know how to feel better. I keep thinking that I was a terrible person for ruining my life. If only I had been better, stronger, nicer things could have been different. He says everything is 100% my fault and that I am a terrible person for destroying our marriage.

We had a difficult marriage. He was a widow with two teenage children (12 and 16 when we met ). I don't have children. He is a Jeckyl and Hide character. Sometimes very very loving and sometime horrible and shouting calling me names etc criticising everything. It was a whirlwind romance. I married him after knowing him for a short time (months). I liked his children enough and tried to be kind. I wasn't the best step mum I sometimes didn't really enjoy being with them all the time and felt like a outsider to their family. I am quite a quiet person and he was always saying I wasn't a good enough step mum. I wanted a child of my own and he said no after we were married because he had changed his mind and said I was not motherly enough or we were not compatible etc. He wanted me to love his kids but that takes time. He pushed me to be more successful at work (we have the same job). Resentment grew and I sometimes thought about leaving because I desperately wanted a child. How could the man I love and says he loves me not care that I am heartbroken I kept on feeling. We would fall out the time and he would shout and scream at me and call me every name. Or ignore me for days. Make me write down promises of how I would never mention having children again and be the perfect wife/step mum. He moved to the USA. I had agreed to move originally but had tried to tell him I wasn't sure. I still love him desperately but I didn't trust him enough to move.I couldn't forgive him for not letting me have a child, I really tried, but it would come back every time he went on about his kids. He was always talking about how sorry he was for himself and his kids that their mum and his wife died and left him. How much he loved his kids and they made him happy but how much stress it was. He told me how happily he was married before and our marriage wasn't as good .I used to get so annoyed at him. For people who think he is not ready. His wife died 10 years ago and he has been engaged to someone else since. He asked me to marry him and he knew I was 14 years younger than him with no children of my own. Anyway in the end I dragged it out.I said I would join him in USA but I was too scared. I could practice my profession I studied and practiced for 15 years there without doing lots of exams.Ultimatly I didn't trust him not to shout and scream at me. I was scared of my need for children. I thought I would probably just end up getting pregnant by accident. This may have destroyed him. I love the nice him so so much. I never wanted to get divorced.

Now I feel so down. I feel like if I had been stronger I should have controlled my feelings and been a better wife/stepmum/worked harder at work. If I had been braver I could have gone to the states. Feel so down. Im going to be childless and divorced. Im 40 now and life just doesn't feel worth living sometimes. I am so alone I feel like I will never get over this love. I feel like I destroyed the best thing that happened to me.

Does anyone know what I can do?

kellymu Sun 27-Apr-14 01:28:44

We all regret the things we never did. The decision you made not to emigrate is understandable, you could have been in the US with no job and even more difficulties in your marriage. You sound really nice and I can assure you that you do not have to be alone. I am a divorced mum and I have met a new man (I'll be honest it's not going great at the moment). I am sure you can move on and be happy.

JessicaMary Sun 27-Apr-14 08:28:48

Very very sensible you not to throw your profession away and move to the USA with this awful man who married you on the basis of a promise you could have children and then reneged. He's awful. Lucky you that he's divorcing you.

Has he started the case because you need to take legal advice on whether you are better off in the English courts or US ones? That is called seizing jurisdiction. If he's started in the US it may be too late to start in the UK. It will be a "short marriage" probably in divorce law terms and you will probably financially be put back to where you were on day 1. You both have the same job so if you both own the same it may just be a question of splitting any equity in the house and savings in two once debts are deducted.

Did he move the youngest children to the US with him in the middle of GCSEs or perhaps I've got the dates wrong.

Squeegle Sun 27-Apr-14 08:38:16

I feel for you. But from what you're describing it doesn't sound a bad thing that you're not together any more. He sounds very self obsessed. Can you imagine what another 10 years with him would have been like? I wonder what is within yourself that you allowed him to be insensitive to your feelings. And as for being a bad step mum for not living them enough- don't be so hard on yourself. Taking on teenagers with a new relationship is fraught with challenges- love is not automatic.

I think to allow yourself to move on you have to be honest with yourself- and give yourself permission to be truly loved, cared for and valued. There are people out there who will do that - we all have foibles and it is our partners who make us feel better about those foibles rather than worse!

flopseyR72 Sun 27-Apr-14 10:11:40

Thanks for your messages. No he sent his children to boarding school in uk. they visit him on long holidays and on short holidays they stay with friends/ relatives.

flopseyR72 Sat 03-May-14 11:46:03

Thanks for your advice. The pain doesn't seem to be getting any better. Feeling pretty bad being 40 and alone. Apart from work I don't have any thing in my life. All my thoughts are still about him, I dream about him, miss him so much. I wish I had been a better person. If I hadn't gone on about having a child so much and been a better step mum it may have been ok. So hard to see anything positive happening in the future.

Crazyfeministmama Sun 04-May-14 07:27:15

Have just replied on your other thread. Seriously, he is saying you were not motherly enough and he has put his children into boarding school and gone to the USA??? WTAF, sorry. What he really means is he does not want to be a father sad.

Okay, you need to disbelieve all the crap he has put into your head about yourself and start to focus on what is important in your own life. A nice man and DC are not out of the question at 40. DC on your own are not out of the question either. Get some help with processing this, be that counselling or talk to Women's Aid, and then you will have some space to focus on what is important to you. Honestly, I don't have words for this man.

Smith75 Wed 14-May-14 14:58:24

Wow - Our situations are practically identical! Even the age of our stepkids! I'm 38, have been with my husband for 3 years, desperately want a child and my husband went as far as say that I can't take care of his 2 kids, how would I take care of my own baby! I was verbally abused regularly in our first year of marriage and even after couples therapy I continued being scared of his temper and the aggression.

I also felt like an outsider, didn't really like being around the kids a lot (they lived with us full time) and I was utterly unhappy.

And then something in me snapped. Wouldn't I rather be single, happy and live life by MY terms, than with a temperamental, aggressive man who will always love his kids more than he loves me - and I separated from him.

Leaving my husband was one of the hardest decisions for me, because like you, I feel that time is passing me by, but I feel back in control of my life again. And even though i'm still sad, I know I'll be happier than I ever was being married to him!

Can you try to reconnect with some old friends? Go and spend some time with family? Do something you've always wanted to do, but thought it was too crazy? Skydiving? Start a new hobby? Learn a new language and reward your efforts with a holiday to that country? Go to art classes, or something else social? Anything to help you move forward.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through - truly, I am. But please try and put things in perspective for yourself. He sounds like a terrible person and you sound so miserable (trust me, I know the feeling!) - And always remember, if you don't let go of the wrong people in your life, the right people won't show up.

Stay strong.

flopseyR72 Thu 15-May-14 13:23:03

Thanks Smith, Gosh sounds like you had a very similar experience to me!!! It's just so heart breaking. I am glad you managed to rediscover yourself. Verbal abuse can be so hard it really makes you question who you are as a person. Thanks for your message and I hope you are managing to carry on and rebuild your life.

shey02 Thu 15-May-14 23:11:44

You can do that too Flopsey, rediscover yourself. You don't need a man to keep telling you how awful you are, what a failure you are when you are not. Your husband sounds like a narcissistic bully and he's doing you a massive favour. Sign the papers, you'll be happy again. What you feel for him is not love, it's loss of yourself, it's co-dependency. You'll heal in time. You need a hobby, trust me, or gym classes or something that makes you smile and helps you meet brand new, fresh faces. Hugs x

GingerLiberalFeminist Thu 29-May-14 21:46:50

Hey, am in the middle of separation/divorce myself and this story really resonated, because of the despair you're feeling.
Firstly, it's time to put yourself first, no one else. Not him, not his kids. What's important to you?
Secondly, start daydreaming about how your life is better without him. Did he stop you watching certain tv shows, or dislike certain foods? Look at those compromises and change your life back.
(My hub hated fish and couscous, since he walked out three months ago, almost all I've eaten is fish and couscous, to make a point!)
Thirdly, list all the things you've accomplished. Not as a wife, as a mother, but as you. Reclaim yourself and help build your self esteem.
Lastly, I agree like the others say, you sound good to be rid of him. But make sure you get the best legal advice you can, as it may be messy.
You can get through this. I'm still crying on and off three months in, but I set myself targets and lists. I have a list just to wash up and make the bed every day, but it shows me I'm accomplishing things, I don't need 'him' and I can live and function without him.
Best of luck

flopseyR72 Tue 03-Jun-14 16:29:50

Thanks for all the kind messages. I got the divorce papers sent off today and feeling a bit down again. I am so angry at this man for wasting my time, because he left me childless, and now he just gets to walk away and tell everyone I'm crazy or some terrible person. Feels like there is no justice. Sorry for complaing. Feel all alone in this world now. He carries on with his house, kids, career and friendships intact.

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