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Threats after a relationship breakdown

(3 Posts)
sammie32 Wed 19-Mar-14 12:41:57

Hello, I am new here. I am desperate for some advice please!

I split up with the father of my children in the autumn of 2012, well over a year ago now. We had been living separately for a while prior to the break up. My ex's behaviour was very damaging to family life, it was inevitable that I was going to leave him. Nevertheless, he blames my current partner and says that I have cheated on him and he will stop at nothing until he is living with his children again. He takes obsessive ex syndrome to a whole new level...

I had a non molestation order slapped on him last year because of his threats to kill but I accepted a cross undertaking because he is such a likeable friendly guy - his friends and his "other" ex believed that the non mol was a plot to erase him from our children's lives so they bombarded me with statements with one woman stating that I was obviously playing victim! (They barely know me but wrote as if they did) It was far too stressful and i didnt have enough evidence so I dropped it to avoid the humiliation of a contested hearing in front of his mates (a lot of personal information was spoken about in our statements that didn't have anything to do with these people).

I agreed to shared residence, he is supposed to pick the children up from school once a week but he doesn't because of his work commitments! I don't mind being flexible around the court order on occasions such as when a car breaks down or something but he made such a big deal out of picking the kids up from school in the court order and now he doesn't want to stick to the order unless it suits him... The children have been let down a few times and the court order was only made a month ago! I have been flexible with him so that he can work. I am too nice to him really.. I have even told the CSA to write off a £300 debt he has with them (to make his life easier). Thing is, he is self employed, earns quite a lot and said he will try and pay me more than the £80 that the CSA have demanded. I don't know whether or not he will stick to this..

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that this guy has been playing the poor deprived father (I have only ever encouraged his relationship with our children) he is very jealous and obsessed and is playing with our children's emotions by telling them negative things and calling my partner names in front of them. He blames everything on everyone else and never accepts blame! I have managed to record him saying that he will stop at nothing and will make our lives hell unless we split up! His threats are aimed at my partner mostly as he has been "nice" to me lately. He said that if my partner buys a van for work he will set it on fire to make his life impossible (didn't manage to record that bit). However, I managed to record my ex stating that if he only had a few months to live (such as a terminal illness) then he would definitely, without a doubt, murder my current partner!! He was very serious in his tone and I recorded him saying it.

I don't want to stop my ex from seeing his kids. I don't want to get him into trouble if his threats are just words to scare me. We have been getting on well since the court order but his attitude towards my current partner is getting worse by the day! The pressure has been so much that I have even considered leaving my partner in the hope that it will make my life easier!? I told both my current partner and my ex how I was feeling because I had seriously hit rock bottom at this point. Probably a stupid thing to do because my ex sees this as having a chance.

Me and my ex used to argue a lot and there was domestic violence (his friends think I am a liar but I have police records and a hospital record to prove I am not!). I do not love my ex but I want him to be happy so that we can all be happy. I want him to see that I just want a peaceful life for the sake of our children. I have been friendly with him, he has had me wrapped around his finger - because I want peace! I am constantly treading on egg shells.

My poor current partner - I feel so sorry for him.. we never argue, I truly respect his support and patience, the children are happy in the environment that we provide. I don't want to leave him but I don't know how much more our relationship can take. I am genuinely concerned that his life is at risk for being in a relationship with me!

We try to ignore it but he is full on and won't give up! He makes threats constantly but I haven't managed to record all of them.

What is the best thing to do (especially for my children)? My children are so happy with the current arrangements. We live in a wonderful environment in a lovely home and they have regular contact with their father.

I know that if I press charges he will start fabricating and manipulating again, or he might kill my partner?? The police probably won't be very helpful. I am not sure if anyone will take me seriously if I report it? I think I might be at the receiving end of emotional blackmail long after a relationship has ended. I would stop talking to him, but my children are too young so we have to continue talking!?

EuroMaidan Wed 19-Mar-14 23:01:34

Reporting it to police is wise, but it's worth setting realistic expectations with regards to what this will achieve. One option is to report it with the view that if situation escalates, there will already be 'history' to the case. Second option is to report it with the view to seek restricted access to children - i.e. supervised contact only.

The fact that you are unsure what to do in such critically important matters, and also the fact that you are questioning whether anyone would take you seriously seems to indicate lack of confidence. This is something that you need to work on too. Even if your new partner supports you, is he the right person to offer the most effective support? Have you thought of counselling or other ways to put your self-esteem and confidence back on track?

Is moving to a different area a possibility? This would complicate your ex's ability to see children often and I suspect that his interest will fade and then disappear pretty quickly. Moving is a major hassle but at the same time it's the quickest route to distancing yourselves from the past properly.

sammie32 Mon 24-Mar-14 14:33:43

Thanks for the reply. I think you're right about the confidence thing. We had a pretty bad week and weekend after posting this. It has escalated to my partner obtaining a harassment warning notice - to prevent my ex from making malicious phone calls to him. My partner is mostly concerned over the children and I. Nevertheless, the harassment towards him has been unacceptable and has been witnessed by the children.

I think my lacking in confidence has something to do with everything that has gone on. I need to get a grip! My ex has turned people against me and makes me feel that way. He has been very clever. I tend to be very reserved. I don't really talk to people about my business (except for on here) or try to build an army of supporters. My ex does. That in itself makes me feel vulnerable. He tells me on a regular basis that friends and family think I'm evil scum for doing things that I simply haven't done.

I called child services this morning and spoke to the school to voice my concerns because he upset the children over the weekend. He was screaming at them, trying to force them to take sides etc. They were really upset. My eldest daughter was an emotional wreck because she tried to stick up for herself. She begged me to take her back home with me, so I did of course. I spent 24 hours worried to death over my youngest until it was time to pick him up. He'd never hurt them, its the emotional abuse that worries me. And the way they come home stinking of stale tobacco (I have told him not to smoke around them)

I have asked for a social worker now.. I felt insane asking for one - who wants a social worker in their lives?? I think the children need to have another person watching over them, someone that they can talk to in confidence. Hopefully that will stop him from behaving badly??

I might not actually get a social worker, rather a supportive person for the children to talk to at school. If children's services can't help then I think a permanent non molestation order, or a house move as you advised, might be the only other option left.

Thanks again. I do need a little bit more sure of myself. Not going to let the idiot spoil our lives!

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