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he won't leave, what do I do know?

(9 Posts)
bella1968 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:25:47

My H and I have had a rocky 16 year relationship and have 2 children in primary school. Our arguments have got worse but we've never disagreed on how to bring the children up. In the last 5 years he's been in and out of work, this stretch of 'no job' is currently 6 months so he's been a SAHD along with sitting on the settee with his ipad watching TV whilst sitting in a messy house and not cleaning or tidying it up. He does the basics like feed the children and occasionally clears up and washes up. He does do the laundry.

Our disagreement is he believes that by shouting and swearing and calling our children names this gets them to do as they are told. He has always hated that I am always late and now is at the end of his tether. I do not show affection, I am always late, late with their tea, late with their lunch which knocks the routine out in the weekend. He doesn't seem to understand that after he's called me and separately the children you f'ing C* I don't want to jump into bed with him.

My feeling are I can't/won't, he hasn't once said he's sorry in fact he's said it's our fault for making him so cross that he has to shout and swear so now he does it to the children and then says by me shouting at you our marriage is breaking down because now your mother will tell me off for shouting and swearing at you! so now they feel to blame for our rocky relationship!!

I've asked him to go and get some counselling/anger management but he's said he just needs support from his wife. I don't know what else to do to be honest and now he has said twice that he's going to make a bed up in the extension which is filled with computers/cupboards/organ and tv and games table so there's no room. He's told me in front of the children so they don't know what's happening and he said this morning in front of them that he's not leaving his house but will move downstairs to sleep.

Why is it always me that the decisions come down to? I am so worried that I will lose the house. I firmly believe that growing up having one house (we never moved) gave me the stability in my life and want the same for our children, I don't want to move and I've spent hours scrubbing and sanding each and every wall and painting and decorating the house that it's part of me. I have plans to rent a room/tutor children etc to make extra money but he won't go so what do I do now?

I have a support worker and she is asking a solicitor some questions but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my answers. I'm also deeply worried/scared because we have 2 huge loans and they are in my name for jointly owned timeshare and consolidation of debts yet everyone is telling me that I will be liable for them! sad

Because of the debts and him not working we have no money and are not able to pay our outgoings without help from a family member so how can I afford to pay for a solicitor to get a divorce? should we live in the same house? how will this affect the children especially when they get shouted at all the time and they are fed up with this. sad

Can anyone help please?

juneau Tue 18-Mar-14 14:34:21

Well, firstly I advise you to make an appointment with a solicitor yourself. Find one that will give you half an hour for free and write down in advance what you want/need to know so you can get through everything in that time. If you want to formally separate/divorce and he is resistant you will need legal help to do this.

You can also get free advice from the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau), if you need advice on housing, benefits, or anything you may be entitled to as a single parent.

As for getting him out of the house, depends whether you own, rent or it's housing authority - again the CAB can help - but no, you should not live in a shared house with this lazy, foul-mouthed, verbally abusive man. That would be horrible for all of you and your DC need to be away from him (so do you, by the sound of it).

juneau Tue 18-Mar-14 14:36:49

National Debt Line: https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/Pages/default.aspx

bella1968 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:43:12

thanks juneau

bella1968 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:46:41

We live in our own house, mortgaged of course

reeree1805 Wed 19-Mar-14 16:15:07

I have the same problem me n my husband have separated , I'm payin all the bills bar 4 and he won't leave , I have my house up for sale as it's the only way I can get him out as once it's sold we both have to go. I get constant abuse and accusations and sly digs . He's hardly putting anything into the house. I have no money for a deposit as I'll have to go into renting with my children , no money for solicitors . He has me right over a barrel as punishment for breaking us up. I'm so down and sad with it all and have no idea what to do next. Just glad someone is in a symilar boat as myself xx

JaneinReading Wed 19-Mar-14 18:25:04

In our case we both had solicitors and he only left when we had had decree absolute and the court had sealed the agreed financial consent order, transfer of cash to him and transfer of house into my name and remortgage completed. At that stage had he stayed we could have obtained a court order to get him out.

If someone is a househusband there is a risk he will get the house and children and the working spouse (in this case the women) might lose the children and the house and have to move into a bed sit and pay maintenance just like loads of men do who have wives who don't work after divorce. All very unfair on the higher earners.

Can you at least make sure the family member loans rather than gives the money and there is a loan agreement so when it comes to working out joint assets and liabilities that loan money is not counted?

If you add in all the debts consolidated, time share, mortgatge on house and then look at any savings and/or equity in the house how much is left a positive sum or zero?

bella1968 Thu 20-Mar-14 09:11:12

JaninReading thanks for your message, there's absolutely no way he's getting the kids, he's verbally and emotionally abusing the three of us so I'm not worried that he would be considered a 'househusband'. This is not a decision that he's at home his contract came to an end and hasn't found work in his field. As far as I'm concerned though there are supermarket, cleaning etc jobs out there and he hasn't made efforts to apply for those meaning that he's not facing up to his financial responsibilities. If I had the money I would face him in court and having him up for domestic verbal and emotional abuse, however we haven't got the money and it would severely affect the children. I try to stay calm and he blames me for everything not ideal but I won't lose the house or my children, I would die before that happened!

reeree1805 fancy helping each other through private messaging? I could do with someone to talk to and I'm sure you could too. Just someone that will listen/two heads are better than one always helps?

DaisiesDandelions Thu 20-Mar-14 23:33:42

Similar here to though he has now told me that he has looked at a flat. we have a mortgage and debts and he is abusive but blames everything on me and until now has been refusing to leave unless I compensate him but we have no cash, only debts. Oh, an I am always being told off for being late. He threatened to take me to court for custody and mention my lateness.

I finally made the decision to end the marriage and so it is all my fault and therefore I am expected to say where all the money if going to come from.

I would also be interested in private message chat smile

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