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He wants our 3 years old daughter for 8 nights. Is that acceptable?

(10 Posts)
damballa Fri 14-Mar-14 15:47:34

Hi Guys,

I am not going to type up whole of my story as it's painful and pretty unimportant at this point. I need an advice as father of our little girl decided he wants to spend next holiday with her. He usually only sees her for 1 to max 2 nights a week and previous holiday I would allow 4 nights but 8 nights seems like lifetime. I just read his email and am in total shock. He never ever comes on time to pick her up or bring her back... constantly complains about her and talks about how he needs good night sleep and all this... I want to do the right thing and makethe decision on if it is healthy and acceptable and not on my personal impulses through what happened in our relationship... want to make an unselfish decision that will be good for our daughter even though it's killing me just thinking about her being away for 8 nights... if anybody knows how please help me with this as I really don't know what to do... grin(

damballa Fri 14-Mar-14 15:48:43

Sorry can't work the emoticons on here...

pmgkt Fri 14-Mar-14 18:05:24

Unless you feel he is incapable of looking after her, which I am assuming you don't as you have let him have her before, then I can't see any problem with him enjoying his weeks holiday with his daughter, any more do than you taking her away for a similar time.

JenBehavingBadly Fri 14-Mar-14 18:07:31

I know it's hard, but let him have a weeks holiday with her. It's not unreasonable.

Cabrinha Fri 14-Mar-14 22:26:37

Well, she'll cope. Even if she's miserable towards the end and misses you (not a certainty!) she may be a bit clingy on her return, but very likely she'll be fine.
Depends on her personality though.
What's she like after 1 or 2 nights away?
Also how old is she? At nearly 4, my daughter could count down the nights away on a chart, at just 3, she couldn't.

If you genuinely think she'll struggle, is your relationship with your ex good enough for you to discuss that? Propose 5 nights, or if 8 suggest he do a few 3 night weekends beforehand to get her used to it and check she's OK?

clam Fri 14-Mar-14 22:42:37

What do you mean by having "allowed him" to have her for a few nights. She's his daughter too. How would you feel if he refused to 'allow' you to do certain things with her

Vinomcstephens Sat 15-Mar-14 13:54:26

Agree with other posters. Unless you have specific "grounds" on which you legitimately limit contact, then I don't see how it's your place to "allow" your ex to have that much time with your daughter. It's understandable you'll worry about missing her but that is in no way a reason to deny your daughter this time with her dad.

wouldbemedic Mon 17-Mar-14 01:48:14

I agree with you OP. It might be completely too much for your DD to be away from you for a week. She doesn't see her dad every day and you are the resident parent. Justice isn't as important as being sensitive to her needs; your ex may 'deserve' time as much as you do, but your DD won't experience time away from you in the same way that she experiences time away from him. The longer-term goal is certainly to foster strong family ties between her and her dad but there are different ways of achieving this. Small children like routine and they like to be familiar about who they're with, what's happening and where they're living - or at least some of the above! My hunch is that if you're genuinely keen to support an outcome that's best for your DD's relationship with her dad, but you still feel horrified at the thought it is too long, then it might well be. She only has one mother's intuition to guide her, and that's yours. No one can give you a definitive answer about whether your DD is ready for that length of stay because all children are different and all parents are different too. Honestly, it's utterly impossible to tell! Your call - meet somewhere between 3 and 7. Four or five?

ballstoit Thu 20-Mar-14 14:41:02

I had to leave my DC at younger than 3 to have necessary medical treatment, for an entire month. I presented this to them in a positive way and helped them to find strategies to cope.

You can choose to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your dd, or you can choose to make it difficult for them both. Which do you feel would be best for your dd?

ChoudeBruxelles Thu 20-Mar-14 14:46:01

He's her father and unless he has done something in the past which gives you cause for concern about her safety then I think you need to agree that he can take his daughter on holiday with him.

How would you feel if he said that you couldn't take her on holiday with you?

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