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When to tell dd about our split?

(6 Posts)
ChilliSoup Tue 11-Mar-14 15:44:30

My partner and I have decided to split. We have an 8 yr dd. Due to all of the complications that go with separating and starting two new lives, we will probably not be able to physically separate for another 6 mths. Maybe more. This isn't my choice, but rather a neccesity financially. We are completely amicable about this and actually made the decision to split last autumn. The problem I'm having now though, is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with hiding it from dd. She has always longed for a sibling, and fantasised about being a bridesmaid at our wedding (which was intended) and now and then asks questions about both. It makes my heart break to not be able to tell her the truth, but to actually have to change the conversation to avoid lying/encouraging the idea. Another issue for me is that for some time now my exp and I have not shown affection or any kind of physical/romantic love towards each other. This is part of reason for split. It is also how dp's parents are, and always have been. There is no love of a romantic nature there at all. I am concerned that I am not teaching my dd about natural love and affection between two people supposedly in love, by continuing the pretence that her dad and I are an example of 'normal' love.
So my question.. Is it better to break it to her sooner rather than later. Or is it better to wait so as not to confuse her or get her hopes up for a reconciliation.
I have tried to be brief, but actually, I spend so much time torturing myself over this. I don't want her to look back and think of her life as a lie. Equally I don't want to make this harder for her to come to terms with, by us seemingly carrying on as usual for the foreseeable future.

Hope this makes sense!

ChilliSoup Tue 11-Mar-14 15:49:24

Sorry last sentence - I mean after telling her about split but then continuing life as normal.

When I say 'normal' love. I mean that it is perfectly normal and natural to be affectionate/demonstrative physically, and not the completely platonic example she sees via us.

Minime85 Tue 11-Mar-14 17:28:00

I think u need sooner rather than later bit in all senses. only told ours a week before he left even though things rumbled for 4-5 months before. i , like u, couldn't bare the lying anymore and pretence of happy families. this was October with intention of waiting til after Xmas but he left first weekend November. dont get me wrong telling them was one of the worst things I've ever done but the relief of being honest and true to them was a huge cloud lifted.

I would sit again and look at finances to make it work sooner. in end I said he had to go and we too were reasonably amicable but it was his final choice and it left me bitter and angry.

good luck

ChilliSoup Tue 11-Mar-14 17:57:48

Thanks minime85 - was strange to see your name because I was just reading through your(?) thread earlier. Been a bad day today and I couldn't stop crying earlier. Just sheer panic about how I will cope on own. So I came on MN, had a trawl and found the thread about upsides to single parenthood. It did snap me out of it - so thanks for your input there.

I was going to post on it, but wasn't sure if it had fizzled out. Encouraging to see so many pulling together though to swap stories.

I'm just scared if we tell her before, that she'll spend all her time hoping 'if I just do this' or 'I just do that' mummy and daddy will stay together.

I wish we could separate sooner. That was what tears were about. I feel so trapped and unable to begin the moving on part. But apart from having no real options, I will risk shooting myself in foot if I go now on impulse. Because we hadn't got to the married part, there are certain things I need to secure before we go our separate ways. I fear that once apart, it will be harder to get my fair share.

If I thought that it wouldn't make things harder on her, I would tell her now. I just really don't know what to do, for her best.

Any experiences of others whose children have known while they still shared a roof, I would love to hear the good and bad?

Amicus1966 Tue 11-Mar-14 18:24:50

This is a really tricky area whilst you're still under the same roof.
I also need to think about doing this soon as my DCs are in danger of catching me asleep downstairs.
I always make sure I am up and dressed before they get up in the morning but it's been a close thing on a couple of occasions when I've forgotten to 'hide' my duvet.

Minime85 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:34:20

really feel for u and it's such an awful time even though you may know in your heart it is what needs to happen.

I sought advice on here of when to tell them and a week seemed about right. dome people said longer than that and its too painful for them. so we waited until ex secured a house and then told them. we all went to look around it together too.

we've eased them in very slowly to staying over there and none of it has been about us but about our DDS feeling as secure and happy as they can be in that situation.

I'm definitely happier now and I'm sure ex is too. we are very amicable about DDS but dont really communicate about much else as I'm trying to create a real break and move on which is so hard.

I think together you should sit and see how much sooner you can make finances work enough to get this new reality and life started. could who ever is moving out borrow money for a deposit from someone?

def take legal advice as soon as you can. if u can go with a recommendation.
you will all be ok. you will be better than ok.

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