Need Advice, please....(7 Posts)
I'm a married mother of two. I'm 61 and my partner is 17 years younger. My income is low and I have next to no pension. One of my children is autistic, bless him! My husband has a mid-high income and decent pension - the children are mine from a previous marriage and he has none of his own. He admitted to me after 5 years of marriage that he had an affair during an 8 month split that we had prior to marriage. I wish he never told me! I'm not making any decision either way but what I want to know is:
- is this grounds for a divorce (adultery is only when married, technically)?
- would I have any claim from him considering my low income and non-existent pension (retirement would be tough!)?
- is he liable in any way for contributions to the upkeep of my disabled child (who is 30)?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure what I'll do, and I don't really want to go grabbing his money. I just want to know cold hard facts. Thanks for understanding and helping out!
You're not grabbing his money, you're just planning ahead & being organised which is vital. I'm certainly no legal expert but here's my take on it:
- If you are not sure on adultery then you can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. This is technically subjective as its your definition of unreasonable so it could work yes in this situation.
- Pension sharing on divorce can be complicated & its probably not possible to say yes or no on here, consult your solicitor or the CAB.
- I wouldn't have thought so= he's not the biological father & also the son is 30 which may also be a factor.
If you're serious about considering divorce then go for a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor or with the CAB, which is also free.
(As an aside, then if you were on a split, technically it wasn't an affair if he wasn't already in a relationship with you....)
Thanks for your reply.
I know... I initiated the split as was unsure regarding the age gap. However I always took it as a breather and told him as much, but after finding that out.. it hurts. It was before marriage, true. In any case, I will think long and hard on it. I honestly just have no clue regarding what I might be "entitled" to (can't help it, feel awful saying that - don't want to take him to the cleaners if anything happens - still love him). I thought with my son being autistic it may have had some bearing but maybe not then. I'm just worried that if we do split up, I have a very low income and next to no pension. Anyway... got to get some sleep and try not to have nightmares!
Regarding "unreasonable behaviour" - does this refer to the incident prior to marriage or are you saying him coming out with this now would act as unreasonable behaviour? This is all just initial reaction to a shock, there are going to be plenty of long talks.....
How long have you been married? It will have a bearing on the split if the court sees yours as a long marriage or not. What equity do you have between you? Money in the house?
Personally, and this is just my personal feeling, I don't think that confessing to an affair he had while you were on a break is grounds for divorce. You were on a break so he was free to sleep with whoever he wanted, and telling you now is something he may feel he needed to do,for honesty in your relationship.
But then I was always with Ross in Friends.
This is personal opinion and not necessarily based on legal fact.
How long were you married? What you may / may not be entitled to will hinge to a large degree on this. You may be entitled to a share of pension but again this depends on length of marriage - generally a share of the amount accrued during the marriage would be awarded (i.e if he has had a pension for 20 years but you were only married for 5 you would get a share of the pot for those 5 years not the total pot) or this may be offset with a higher share of other capital (depends on what the values are and whole other factors)
Has he legally adopted your children from prior marriage? if not (and assuming they were not very young when you married I would assume not) I fail to see why your current husband should be financially responsible for them - this should have been a consideration in the settlement when you divorced their father (is he in fact contributing to them financially still?)
I think you need to seek legal advice to get a view on what you may be able to claim - in general the shorter the marriage the less you will get, especially as you have grown up children (therefore no minor dependents) Again, if you have only been married 5 years, (i dont know how long) the fact you have a small pension is not really his 'fault'.
Maybe post on legal board also including the details of how long you were married? they may be able to give you general pointers.
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