Separating but not married ... Next step

[skye33]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a daughter of 2 ( just turned 2 ). I have not been sure about the relationship for a long time and fell pregnant very quickly in our relationship which wasn't entirely planned. I have bided my time till now to wait till our daughter was no longer a baby to leave him but we are really not working together and I know this is the time for me to leave.we argue all the time over everything ....

I'm not in love with him but care for him as the father of out child. That's it. We are very different people and come from completely different back grounds. I moved to his house when I fell pregnant, I didn't pay anything for the first 2 years ( have lived here for 3 years now ) as I was on my maternity pay from work and didn't earn much. For the last 4 months I have been paying a portion off the mortgage each month ( £250.00 ) and also since I went back to work part time a year ago I pay for most of the food and everything for the upkeep of my daughter. He pays all the bills but does earn 2 thirds more than me. I'm on £ 25.000 he is £60.000. My name is not on the mortgage but on the electric bill that's it. He knows I'm not happy but still seems to think we should have another baby ?! I would like to have had another child as I'm 38 but know that I'm 100% not in love at all and cannot even bear him to kiss me anymore.i know the time is right to go as have been thinking this way since I found out I was pregnant??

I want to leave before my little one gets too old as well and it becomes Much harder for her to adjust. My issues stopping me are the following ... I have moved to where his family friends are. An area where I'm not very happy and isn't where I want my dd to grow up as schools are not brilliant etc, however I fly as cabin crew for a living so sometimes am away for 5 days at a time ( fly part time ) and his mum has her while I'm away. I want to relocate closer to my family ( although have no one to look after my daughter in my family ) but not sure he would kick up a fuss at the distance and also think if I left him his mum would no longer look after my daughter while I fly.... There is so much to think about and with my job it all seems impossible any advice would be very much appreciated ... What might I be entitled to even though we are not married ? I have no idea what my next step should be ... Feel so gutted it has come to this but know it's the right thing however hard it may be on my own ....

[chocicecream5]

I thought I had written this until I saw the date! I am in exactly the same situation as you except for occupation. Sorry I probably don't have any great advice but this is what happened to me. I spent first 2 years of my daughters life planning to leave him. I eventually moved out to take on a new job in an area of the country I had been brought up in. I could only afford a one bedroom flat. I spent a year there but still relied heavily on his company at weekends. He also had a very close relationship with my daughter and she often told me she missed him. I wanted better for my daughter and combined with an opportunity to buy a house I went against my feelings and ended up getting a mortgage with him. I now have a two month old who was conceived on a one off occasion when I felt broody. Again I have the same conflicts as I had at the beginning. I'm torn with wanting house etc for DD's and support for me bringing up children. It's really hard. Leaving involves being really brave especially if they are an excellent Dad like my partner.

[skye33]

Thanks for sharing your experience helps to hear other people s stories and know I'm not alone feeling this way. Sounds as if you did the right thing to try going it alone otherwise you would have always wondered " what if ? It's the same dilemma as me to follow your heart or play safe and choose security and a stable family home for your DD's. The latter being very important. I think perhaps I need a break of 6 months to be on my own and see how I cope but know that he is not the type to accept that and once I go that ll be it. He is a good Dad and adores my DD ( although not always as hands on as I thought he would be ) so yes like you makes it harder to leave them. At the moment because she is too young really to say she d miss him would make it easier but guess that d come as she got older. I really don't feel brave enough if I'm honest but every day I feel like I'm living a lie and will never be truely happy if I stay, guess im settling .....but I'm also a little idealistic and guess I still hope that I'd meet someone else fall in love and be happy but am I being selfish to be thinking of myself so much. Feel I should be focusing more on my DD but guess my happiness will influence hers hugely anyway.

It's so tough to know what to do , think if I had the money and the support id walk tomorrow so guess that's my answer but your experience does show the grass is not always greener but also that feelings buried do resurface. I also feel broody like you so danger is I'll do the same but know then ill find it much harder to leave like you do. On the plus side for you great he is such a good dad and a blessing to have a second DD whatever the outcome.

[chocicecream5]

I have always felt as though I'm living a lie too and I think about it everyday. I envy other people's relationships. People ask me why I've never married and I give some lie about finances. Honestly I would love to meet the right person and get married. I met my daughter's dad on the rebound, it has never felt right but like you I fell pregnant. Our relationship now is only based on being a parent, no physical contact and connection etc. I'm 38 and deep down although I knew having another child wasn't the sensible thing to do, I knew it was now or never as I wouldn't have time to meet someone else. I'm now going to wait until my youngest is a year (and I've told him this) and I'm back in part time work and review it again. I really don't want to turn 40 and still be in this situation. Do you lead pretty separate lives? It might be worth living together but behaving as if you're single in most other aspects (apart from meeting other men!) as this may give you a feeling of freedom. This is what I might try and do. I feel happier in lots of ways when i'm on my own but miss general chit chat about my daughter and doing things alone.

[LauraBridges]

Legally if you aren't married you have no right to property not registered in your name. That's the start. If you have paid towards the mortgage that might in some cases amount to so some kind of trust of part of the property in your favour so take advice from a solicitor.

Also even if you paid nothing towards the mortgage the children might have some kind of right to be housed under the Children Act =- again a solicitor can advise. It is generally better not to move out as once out it is harder to get back in or claim the share. It's very difficult. We were married and I paid him a lot of money on divorce as I earned more but that is not the case for many.

If you want to move a child from its father he might get a prohibited steps order to stop that although plenty of fathers and mothers do obtain permission to move a child all the time. Also consider that sometimes fathers gain the residence although that is not so common. That was a risk in our case as he and I spent the same amount of time with the children.

[skye33]

Our situations are so similar. I also would love to be married and have another baby just not with him ?? everyone always asking when we doing both and hard to know what to say as to why not. A few close friends and my sister know how I feel deep down but that's it. Helps to know I can talk about it with them but know my friend who I talk about it just thinks I should leave if I'm really unhappy but doesn't have kids so guess hard for her to really understand ..
Problem is I'm not totally unhappy day to day ( I was for the first 6 months after I had my daughter as was so hormonal and had a bit of PND ... ) Like you I like the chat in the evenings about out daughter and having that person to talk to about her and have dinner with !

He works 7 till 7 and falls asleep on sofa by 9 pm so not like we spend much time together anyway .... Problem is when we do spend any amount of time together we do argue. He also works Saturdays so if I have a weekend off I'm usually doing something with my daughter and friends or on my own with her. I feel happy being on my own in that respect but has been pointed out to me by people, is that because I know I have the security of him being there to fall back on as security.. I would like to try to live separate life's but stay in the house but the problem is he would never agree to that ... He wants affection. ... Sex ... Chats ... cuddles etc and I just not feeling it at all. Does your OH not react badly when you tell him your feelings ? Mine just says to me " well go if your that unhappy " problem is we both know it's not that easy.

Thanks for the advice laurabridges. I think seeing a solicitor has to be the answer see where I stand. He has said to me about not wanting his daughter living in some s**t one bed roomed flat if we do split but doubt if it ended up me staying in his 3 bed roomed house he d be very happy ?!! I couldn't afford the upkeep anyway on what I earn. I just feel so clue less to how it all works what help I may get etc so think a visit to the solicitor is on the cards. I would imagine I'll have to move out rent a flat and he ll stay put as it his house. He hasn't out me on the deeds even though I paying chunk off mortgage each month, understandable I guess as he knows how I'm feeling re the relationship.

[skye33]

Sorry that should have read " if your that unhappy then leave ". Typing on a I phone !

[creativevoid]

Just to echo Laura Bridges' point you really do need to see a solicitor. Your thinking assumes you will essentially get "full custody" and it may well be that given your work situation that isn't what happens. If your partner fights you the decision will be based on what's in the best interests of your dd and there's the possibility it wouldn't go your way. Think about whether you would still want to leave if you only saw your dd 3 nights per week.

I say this from experience. I am currently in the process of negotiating custody from my EA and verbally abusive husband. Because I've made the mistake of working and letting him do the child care I've been advised to agree a 50/50 split. It's only the severity of the situation and the impact staying would have on my DS's that would make me even contemplate such a sacrifice of day to day time with my children. The solicitor may say you have nothing to worry about but be totally sure.

[chocicecream5]

Skye33 - funny that my partner says exactly the same, that is "if your that unhappy leave"!. I'm very open about how I feel and maybe too honest! I have put down quite a large deposit on the house (although he has put more in). He also pays the mortgage although I have paid for childcare whilst I was working a few days a week. I buy food, everything for the children, trips out and stuff for the house etc. Deep down there is a part of me that is scared that he could gain custody of the children if we split for good.I also worry what other people will think as nobody knows about our situation. (I know this should be the least of my worries!)
I just don't know any single parents - where are they all???

We also don't spend much time together. We spend evenings doing separate things and this is my choice. People would argue that we have split up already although he doesn't agree.

Have you had anymore thoughts about what you will do?

[skye33]

Yes cc5 I am also pretty open about how I feel so all bit weird as we
Living with that knowledge that if we didn't have DD we d have split up ages ago ..... Like you all my friends are not single mums but guess I'd meet more if I was in that situation myself ? Like you we really don't spend much time together at all and really think that's the key to why I'm still here ..... Still not sure what to do but know I need more than this. He did ask me the other night if I'd had any thoughts as to where in the country I'd live if we split ? Then our conversation went on as of it hadn't been mentioned ..... We keep talking about relate but unless they can make you fall in live with someone again and change them totally don't hold out much hope .... ! I'm having some life coaching this week which may help me get some direction and focus.