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I need to leave my Husband... no idea where to turn.

(14 Posts)
gottahavefaith Mon 30-Dec-13 14:56:21

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. We have 2 beautiful children aged 3 and 10mnths.

I really can't stay with him any longer. I am very clearly not an equal partner in our relationship, my opinions, thoughts and most of all, feelings are completely irrelevant to him. He is selfish and cruel to me, and I feel so ground down that I no longer even like myself anymore. He tells me I am irritable, moody and irrational though in truth it is our marriage that is making me this way.

He isn't actually a bad person though, he is a fantastic father and on paper he seems like a great husband, just not to me anymore. I want our children to live in a happy home and not have to put up with the screaming matches or icy silences that are commonplace in our home. Communication has completely broken down and we can no longer even speak to each other. I'm so angry and upset with him, and myself for putting up with his treatment of me for so long and believing I could change him, and change myself to meet his expectaions.

No one is happy anymore and although we have had the "lets make it better" discussions numerous times, I've made the decision to leave him.

I have been to CAB and have a meeting with a housing option advisor to discuss what to do as the house is in his name, I work 8 hours a week and bring in about £250 per month. Everything is in his name and we do not recieve any benefits. I will have nothing when I leave and I'm scared for my children and how will I be able to provide for them.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and is willing to give some advice? What will happen when I leave? Will I get any financial help? I am in Scotland if this helps.

Thank you if you have stuck through this rambling post. Its a sad day when the only people you can turn to are strangers on the internet.

gottahavefaith Mon 30-Dec-13 15:25:07

Sorry, not CAB, local council offices is where I went.

SavoyCabbage Mon 30-Dec-13 15:26:57

Have you no friends or family you could go to for a few weeks? Have you been to see a solicitor?

Mary1972 Mon 30-Dec-13 16:27:01

1. Don't leave the home. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Start divorce proceedings whilst living there on the basis as you are married and have virtually no income you are likely to get the house at least until the children 18 and he will have to rent elsewhere. You can live in the same house but apart until the divorce is finalised and the finances set out in a court order or sealed court consent order.

2. See a solicitor even if only for a free 20 minute interview.

3. Before you tell him get copies of everything, house deeds, his P45s, his P60s, his pension documents, his savings, your marriage certificate - the

4,. I just saw you are in Scotland - I think that means as a lower earner you get less than in England a lower earner would but even so stay in the house.

5. If he earns a very lot more then once he goes he likely to have to pay not only the mortgage for you but also some maintenance and for the children. You would also be likely to get tax credits and certainly the child benefit.

gottahavefaith Mon 30-Dec-13 16:49:51

Thanks for the advice. But there is not a chance that I can stay here like this. The atmosphere is so volatile that its upsetting my 3yo. Husband has said that he refuses to leave stating that it is his house. What option am I left with but to find somewhere else where myself and the kids don't need to live like this. My family don't have room for me and 2 kids as both my younger sisters still live at home and friends houses aren't an option as I am not close enough to them and they don't have room either.

And dearest husband is so concerned by our marital problems that he is currently out with workmates at the pub.

Mary1972 Mon 30-Dec-13 18:05:40

He will be forced to go though if you divorce him. As soon as the finances are sorted out if he then refuses to leave the court will force him out. We did that. I was actually able to buy him out but that is irrelevant. My lawyer said if he refused to move out when it was all done we could get a court order to remove him. I and the children endured the 7 months from decision to divorce to decree absolute and property and money transfers and 2 days after all that was done he moved out.

I would just speak to a solicitor in Scotland if I were you and start with that.
If you move out you will be housed and your housing needs may be met and you may obtain a lot less money.

Handywoman Mon 30-Dec-13 18:07:27

put keys in the locks? tell him to go elsewhere? Poor you.

Mary1972 Mon 30-Dec-13 18:16:53

I don't think legally in England anyway you can exclude an owner of a property from his own home unless there is violence although again discussion with the solicitor might help you find out if some kind of non molestation order could be obtained to exclude him from his own home and away from his own children. He might indeed want the children with him. Just because you are male does not mean you would get the children if the couple split. We need to be fair about it although he sounds a right nightmare.

I just think people need to be very careful about moving out when instead they could ultimately get their other half out. Once you are out you can descend into homelessness and no where to go and harder to claim your share. If you do divorce he cannot stop it and ultimately the court would decide which of you had to move and if the property is sold.

gottahavefaith Mon 30-Dec-13 21:17:29

Thanks for the advice, I guess I have a lot to mull over.

He's still at the pub while I deal with a teething 10mnth old who won't sleep. No idea when he's coming home, or even what state he will be in considering he's been there since 3.

SavoyCabbage Mon 30-Dec-13 22:09:00

Can you go and see a solicitor then?

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds awful.

Mary1972 Mon 30-Dec-13 22:13:55

No reasonable man would do that with such small children at home. It's not acceptable.

Just concentrate on getting some legal advice and trying to keep the children happy and get some sleep if you can (very hard - we had three under 3 at one time - very difficult, but we did share the burden and both worked full time so at least we got that "break" from it all when at work).

gottahavefaith Mon 30-Dec-13 23:41:43

I'm definitely needing some legal advice I feel. I'm sorry I'm bringing all my resentment here, but I'm completely on my own and have no one I can depend on.

But what matters most are the children, and ill paint a happy smile on my face and deal with my issues when they are in bed. They don't deserve this at all.

Thank you for all the advice, I guess it all boils down to needing actual advice from professionals, which is all very intimidating and real feeling. I have a constant sick feeling at the moment.

He still isn't home and its now 11.40. Thankfully baby is asleep now though.

SavoyCabbage Mon 30-Dec-13 23:52:29

Yes you do. Need advice from a professional I mean. At least you will get information and knowledge is power as they say. It doesn't mean you have to act on it straight away. You can take it one step at a time.

Mary1972 Tue 31-Dec-13 07:37:02

Indeed. I went to see a solicitor for an hour (in fact I paid for an hour's advice but was happy to do that) of advice 6 months before I decided to divorce just so I knew where I would stand if I did. It was really helpful.

I think it's quite important that women with children don't leave (unless they are about to be murdered of course or something like that) as it can put them in a much weaker financial position although psychologically many do think I don't care about money - I will just leave with the children. Better to stay and in due course divorce and divide things up and probably get the house with him paying the mortgage - he having had to leave as children come first and need somewhere to stay.

Obviously it's worth try to talk to each other too. i went to Relate on my own. He didn't want to go. tha helped me a lot to realise I did not want to be with him any more (but I had older children then - youngest were 3 or 4 so it was easier to get away to appointments like that). In fact I didn't divorce earlier because I knew his help with the babies, getting up in the night with them, nappies etc was so valuable I could tolerate how he was and it was only when they were on the verge of school I felt I could cope without his physical help at home and I could divorce. In your case he is not helping with childcare and cleaning and washing as my ex was so less reason you should stay with him.

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