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Husband secretly visits lapdancing clubs and phones lapdancer

(12 Posts)
Big1 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:11:05

Hi just wondering if any lovely mums reading this can give some advice as very confused. I've been married 18 years and have two teenagers. My husband is quite introverted and isnt very sociable unless he feels like it but he has always been a good dad always here and despite problems we have had mainly to do with his secrecy and lack of suport we have really tried to make it work. The last 18 months have been the best we get on he is more fun and sociable and our sex life is better than ever. Two weeks ago my 17 year old son sat me down and told me my husband was having an affair. He had found a secret pay as u go phone in his desk with a recent message to someone called mia saying he couldnt wait to see her. I asked my husband very calmly and he denied it. He eventually came clean and said he had met someone on a course and they had seen each other a few times but it was over. This didnt ring true but he wouldnt discuss it. Last week i looked at his bank statements and credit card statements and noticed he had paid money to a lap dancing club in berkshire and had visited it a few times whilst he was suposed to be on a course. He now says that he has been going to this club and others in london for the last 18 months. He is away at least twice a month. He has denied having sex but i have also found secret prescriptions for viagra. After this i felt despair. He says he was addicted but how can i trust him again. The week after my son was attacked at end of sept my husband has been at the clubs. He last saw the lapdancer mia at end of oct and was due to meet her last wk before he was found out. I havent shouted or screamed just been very calm. I asked him to move into the spare room but on friday i couldnt cope seeing him so i asked him to move out for a bit. He is in a hotel and seems sad. I miss him and dont want my family to break up but dont think i can trust him avgain or have intimate relations with him if he has been paying for sex or near sex. I know i have to make a decision and dont want to break up my family or be on my own. I would really appreciate some kind thoughts or advice xx

usualsuspect Mon 25-Nov-13 22:13:18

You will be better off without him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 25-Nov-13 22:16:06

I am very sorry x

You have posted this in divorce/separation so I presume it remains one of your permanent options

Only you can make the choice, but for me there would be no going back. To me, men who utilise the sex industry are defective individuals and no number of crocodile tears and < sad faces > makes up for that.

I could only be married to a proper man, not an inadequate. The trust and respect would be gone forever.

Big1 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:28:16

Thanks x

usualsuspect Mon 25-Nov-13 22:30:09

Maybe get this moved to relationships?

Sorry you are going through this.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 25-Nov-13 22:30:48

You might get a wider range of opinions/advice if you post this in Relationships, love

How do you feel about him using family money on sex workers for such a long period of time ? That must be absolutely gutting sad

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 25-Nov-13 22:31:28

Is there an echo in here ? smile

Minime85 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:34:14

goodness. I think its good he has moved out. you need to take time to digest it all and see what it is you want to do.

how awful too for your son to have to go through the responsibility of that and telling you.

I would think regardless counselling is something to seriously consider just to try and help you digest it all.

good luck

Big1 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:38:12

It is gutting! i have only seen recent statements over the last 5 months and lors of those pages were missing and he has two secret credit cards that came up on the statements. he withdrew 600,400 over 2 day periods when he saw her and 300 for a night. this must really add up but i have no way of knowing as he has secret credit cards. i feel awful worrying about the money side but i think he is like this because if his money and the thrill it gives him. i will lose lots of couply friends if i separate . thanks x

usualsuspect Mon 25-Nov-13 22:45:19

Losing your couply friends is the least of your worries.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 25-Nov-13 22:45:47

You may well find out who your real friends are, but that is not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion. He is the one that should be shunned, not you. I would not ever have him in my house again, if I knew him.

That is a shedload of money ! I really hope he hasn't run up joint debts shock

Have you confided in anybody in real life, you need some support out there. And please, get some legal advice ASAP. This could actually be a lot huger than you already know.

Unidentifiedflyingobject Tue 26-Nov-13 12:23:16

I am really feeling for you, this must be an awful awful thing to deal with. I did experience strip club obsession in a previous relationship... No concerns over paying for sex on this occasion, but even so it didn't last. I found it impossible to move past it although I did try. It's the active choice of that clinical, soulless, transactional sexual experience, over a normal sexual relationship, that I couldn't get a hold of. I'd have understood it if it was getting pissed and shagging somebody, for example. But I just found the whole thing so insulting towards me - that he would prefer that - and it also changed my view of him irreparably...

The secrecy, excessive money spending, and persistency of the behaviour in your dh case though is extremely worrying. It demonstrates a very dark side and basically no matter what friends or lifestyle you might lose (your real friends will show themselves), you must hightail it out of there right now or you will forever wonder what else he is capable of.

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