seperation - feeling sad/angry/relieved/and the rest

[calamitysmum]

Hi - first post on here - been getting some positive words of wisdom and encouragement from other MNetters tho'. Thank you for that!.... today my husband has left the family home, we've talked about him leaving....I feel so sad that the marriage is so damaged, my feelings are of wondering how it has become so extreme, but common sense keeps bringing me back to remember how awful its been for the last 6/7 years.... my diary's/letters to him/journals etc. We recently had decided to sell the family home due to finances and wanting to downsize the bills... then he got a new job so we decided to move areas - wanting a fresh start. (Now the house has sold) Two weeks into house hunting for the 'new ideal' we had a massive blow out about my 16 year old (his step daughter) - who did the criminal deed of putting her shoes on in the hall instead of the entrance area.... i asked for an apology, he said he was right to shout and scream at her for this.

This was the catalyst for our relationship falling apart - he has in the past committed Domestic Violence - recorded at the GP thank goodness - is a control freak, has OCD and is very unable to talk about anything other than day to day stuff. ( i have a degree in counselling - but he says he cant talk to me ) Ive adored him and tried to keep him happy but i cant agree with him when he so extreme in his behaviour - especially more recently. Since we have decided to separate he has made no effort to try and make it work other than saying he doesn't want to leave - not for me i think but the house situation - and our son, he is 8 and he's a good dad in that he adores his son.... he also knows there is equity in the house when it sells - he's trying to play Mr nice guy.... or a PLOM (poor old me). I just want to ask - is doubting normal? i think its the fear of the unknown.... - we've separated this year for a month. Going back is the easy option but i cant go through this again in a few months.... so words of wisdom appreciated from you all please....

[TwoStepsBeyond]

It's definitely the fear of the unknown and totally normal to want to cling on to the familiar. Your identity has been so bound up with him for the last however-many years and you have been putting your effort and energy into pleasing him (a futile task by the sound of it).

Now it is all about you and your DCs, there's a huge amount of responsibility coming your way, but also a great deal of freedom. It is scary but its also really exciting once you're in the right mind-set. You won't have to worry about where anyone puts their shoes, you won't have to tiptoe around him trying not to set him off, you can develop your own routines and rules.

Even without the DV I would be applauding you for having the courage to step away from an unhappy relationship, we all deserve to be happy in our own home and no child is better off in a miserable home with both parents than a happy home with one at a time.

However, with the DV there isn't even a choice to be made, you shouldn't need him to make an effort or try to fix it. You need to accept that he is not someone you should be sharing your life or your home with. After a few weeks/months without him you will realise that, but in the meantime try not to grieve for the marriage you wish you had, look forward to a future where you are in control of your own life. Obviously you will still need to have contact about your DS and there may be hurdles to negotiate with that, but once you are in a more positive frame of mind you can deal with that.

Finding a new home is a huge upheaval with everything else that's going on, is there any way you could stay where you are?

[TwoStepsBeyond]

...and I totally get how you feel, I was really angry that XH never once tried to 'fix' things and only expressed regret at our separation in terms of the house and kids "I like living here, I don't want to be apart from my kids who I never spend any time with and I don't want to be divorced again". Not a word about me! But its a good thing because you're in danger of letting him manipulate you into staying with him when you KNOW its best to separate.

FWIW I have never been happier than I am now, kids are relaxed and happy, I have a lovely new DP and even XH is happier now that he has his own space, its as tidy and clean as he wants it to be and the DCs stay there once a week, which is enough for him and gives me a break too. DCs would like to spend a bit more time with him, but they accept that they now spend more actual time WITH him than they ever did when he lived here, as he now has to actually look after them for a few hours a week.

There is life after marriage and it can be a great one.

[Minime85]

think its def normal. I'm only 2 weeks in to him having moved out but about 6 weeks since decision made. I feel all those feelings you put in the title. I am so cross he has done this to our family unit.

but I wasn't happy and he wasn't going to try and change anything. I feel lighter for not having to deal with the emotions of trying to keep it all together and make it work. so sad for dcs but as previous post said my dcs now see more of him properly rather than just being in same house. he has to entertain, feed etc.

dont doubt your gut feeling about it all. my gut had been telling me for months things were really bad. every time I asked him he denied any big issues. hindsights a great thing though. go with your gut. good luck.

[alikat724]

calamity yes I agree with all your feelings! We have just agreed to separate today although it has been coming for 2 years. I too am sad, angry and relieved, but also feel a huge sense of shame that we have failed at such an important thing.

There is life after marriage and it can be a great one.
TwoSteps thank you for this, I definitely hope so!

[calamitysmum]

hey thank you for your replies, they have been wonderfully understanding and give me strength when i'm feeling wobbly. My ds told me he misses daddy tonight for the first time (he hasn't seen him for a week) so its felt difficult to remain focused on the reasons i cant stay in the relationship - its tempting to think about how happy everyone else would be if we tried again - but i know i cant, it wont work and that is so sad. Ive been to see a solicitor to talk about finances and setting up a separation agreement - im seeing OH on Sunday to put my thought to him, I don't think he will agree, and i do feel slightly concerned it may get nasty....if he gets at all aggressive i will be calling the Police. Alikat i understand your feelings of shame and failure, im sure these will pass and things will become brighter hopefully for us both soon.