Accept "fault" for divorce or hold out for 2 years?(9 Posts)
First up I've name changed so as not to out myself or my brother, who I'm trying to get advice for please.
DB has been married for 13 years, last year his wife asked to separate. She denied it but he suspects she'd had an EA with another man and that was the point at which she decided she'd be better off without DB, although he asked to reconcile. They have young dc and wanted to keep things amicable and go down the 2 year route.
Since then DB has got a new gf, they seem pretty serious. STBXW may have met someone else too but hasn't gone public iyswim, unlike DB who is making no secret that he's met someone special. STBXW is now making noises about speeding up the divorce which would mean one of them being "at fault" in some way. DB doesn't want to put something like that on record and to start writing down accusations. STBXW would want to be the petitioner as she doesn't think the marriage breakdown is her fault. Can she just go ahead and file for divorce if she wants? Could she cite adultery as a reason given DB's new gf? Would it matter if she did, really, in the scheme of things - I completely understand that DB would be gutted to be "publically" put down as the one at fault, especially as he doesn't want the dc to think badly of him in the future. But is it in fact a pragmatic thing to do, to just get on with things?
DB has grounds to file too - she's run up a massive debt which he's now having to repay, plus she is the one who walked away, wouldn't reconcile etc. But I don't want to encourage him to get into that as I suspect it might get nasty. Does going the quicker route usually mean things go sour? I can see that it might benefit DB to make this break sooner but not if it's going to end in acrimony, especially for the dc.
This happened to me., well similar. The paperwork is not made public, as far as I know. It really doesn't matter. My husband sued me for adultery. I just accepted it. He promised he would not tell the kids. It meant we could move on. He kept to his promise and didn't tell the kids. Our divorce took 6 months. I can understand your worries though.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Quickie gives excellent advice. Friend did this, her DH took the blame for unreasonable behaviour such as spending too much time on Facebook and watching football! They both moved on with their lives with the minimum of acrimony.
I should have added, she used WikiVorce and it cost her about £350.
Bang on advice from Quickie. When xh and I split I received similar advice and managed to put down 4 weak reasons on the unreasonable behavior side. I also emailed them to him in advance so that when the court papers arrived it wasn't too much of a shock.
I did this too rather than wait 2 years. I was divorcing him and had to cite the different reasons for unreasonable behaviour. I told ex what they were and that I just had to put something and to not take it personally (even tho I meant every word and found it quite therapeutic!). He signed.
I did it all online for about 300 in total which didn't include the court fee. Can't remember how much the was now. All of it worth every penny. Because we went through the Principal Registry in central London it took a bit longer, about 8 months from start to finish as they were very busy. It was all very easy though.
Cost me 180 to change my passport back to my maiden name though as I live overseas now almost as expensive as the divorce!
Note on something quickie says: It is still technically adultery even if a new relationship begins after separation and you can get divorced on those grounds. I know that because exh is currently doing this to me!! And the court is aware that both parties had relationships after separation (him first) and that my 'adultery' did not contribute to the separation.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I have passed it on to DB. He thinks his STBXW is keen to press on with divorce so it's useful for him to have these insights.
Can someone just file for divorce out of the blue as it were? I think they need to talk asap otherwise I suspect his W will just file, if that's possible - could start off the acrimony I hope they can avoid.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.