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Separation agreed but staying in the same house and bed indefinitely due to money

(17 Posts)
rideswildhorses Sun 03-Nov-13 17:15:04


Over the past 4 weeks DH and I have come to an agreement (started by me, but now accepted by him) that we are now officially estranged from each other as husband and wife. However, neither of us wants to move out of the family home which we jointly own (mortgaged), and even if I did (as the more willing party) he would not be able to afford to stay here and pay all bills so we both might end up losing everything and not being able to get back on the ladder. I would be able to afford to stay here but he is not willing to move out.

We have two children (6.5 & 4). We are still sharing a bed, and unless we want to move one of the children out of their room will have to continue to do so.

Has anyone lived like this for any great length of time? What are the pros and cons and are there any solutions for us?
What and when do we tell the children? I feel as though I am in complete limbo with no end in sight when what I really want is a clean break and a new start.

Grateful for any advice smile

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 03-Nov-13 17:30:07

This doesn't sound like a separation. How can either of you move on if you continue to share a house and a bed. what you are describing is a bad marriage.

Spirulina Sun 03-Nov-13 17:36:02

He's got you exactly where he wants you hasn't he?

It won't work.

SleepyFish Sun 03-Nov-13 17:45:21

Surely he realises that if/when you leave he won't be able to stay there anyway so is just delaying the inevitable? Is he banking on you changing your mind? Or is it just a case of 'if I can't live here neither can you', he's clearly a twat who is not even considering his children in all this. Whole situation sounds intolerable. Btw you can get air beds in Tesco very cheaply. I would not be sharing a bed with this man.

rideswildhorses Sun 03-Nov-13 17:55:43

I fear you're right and it won't work. It is just a continuation of the bad marriage. But what is the solution?

freemanbatch Sun 03-Nov-13 19:51:45

If I was you I would see a solicitor, file for divorce as soon as possible and have your solicitor request he moves out. You can't live like that it must be horrible every second of the day!

rideswildhorses Sun 03-Nov-13 20:12:01

But why would the solicitor request he moves out? It's half his house. He works from home. He looks after the kids here a couple of afternoons a week. It all points to me moving out but financially it is suicide.

Lovemy3kids Sun 03-Nov-13 20:18:25

I lived like this for 7 months with my ex, though he slept on the sofa and I had the room. We had 3 DC and we told them once I'd decided that our marriage was over. We immediately put the house on the market, but it was slow to sell unfortunately. Neither of us could afford to move out, or afford to stay there on our own.

It was hard to live like this. I virtually lived in my bedroom only sitting in the lounge when the children were around; once they were in bed, I went to my room or went to see friends. My ex too worked from home, but his name was not on mortgage due to his bankruptcy a few years previous, and he was getting us into debt too.

I only did things for me and the children, he had to do all of his own stuff. We were polite when the children were around, but rarely spoke when they weren't.

Would I do it again.....never!! I'd rather live in a box than go through that again.

pengymum Sun 03-Nov-13 20:21:31

Could you let the family house and rent own separate flats/houses? If the rental covers mortgage then get permission from mortgage co to let it out.
Make sure there is an agreement in writing from both parties do no one can threaten the other later or get out of paying fair share if any costs. Also make sure clear agreement on what happens if can't find tenant for any period.

ihearsounds Sun 03-Nov-13 20:25:09

File for divorce and stick the house on the market/buy the other person out.
How long do you expect this arrangement to last? Until the youngest is 18?
What happens if either of you meet anyone else, and dont delude yourself that this wouldn't happen.

Overthehillmum Sun 03-Nov-13 20:38:17

I did this for nearly a year with my first husband, much the same situation, it was a disaster, he didn't accept that we were separated, he said if I moved out he would walk away from our mortgage and ruin both our credit ratings, I eventually had to buy him out of the house, gave him half the equity in the house, even then it sat in my account for a month as he thought I would just give him it and he would stay in the house, I had to organise a short term lease on a flat for him and packed his stuff and moved it over, and even then he thought that he would still be able to come back and forward and nothing would change..!!! Madness. It was horrible and looking back I wish i had just moved out and cut my losses and took the hit on my credit rating, I would have got a council flat and I would have managed, life is far too short to put yourself through this.

freemanbatch Sun 03-Nov-13 20:54:37

your solicitor would request he moves out because you asked them to. It would make your position on things official and stop him thinking that you will change your mind and all will go back to normal.

Your solicitor cannot make him move out but that's not the point of the request.

If you have decided enough is enough and your marriage is over then you have the right to do that and to move on not to have to share a bed with someone you no longer wish to be with.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 03-Nov-13 20:57:37

Definitely get legal advice. Remember that you don't need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him, and he doesn't just get to keep the house because that's what he wants.

Rentahoose Sun 03-Nov-13 20:59:41

Sorry haven't read all the thread yet but why don't you get a sofabed in the meantime?

I've slept on a sofa bed for years because of co-sleeping. DH goes to bed early, I like to stay up late. I would find not having my own space difficult.

Arushandapush5 Mon 04-Nov-13 18:27:25

I wonder how many people are in this trap. We separated after 13 years of marriage, 18 months ago. Husband reluctant to let me go, even though he didn't have an ounce of care or attention to direct my way for the 13 years I spent feeling like a dish rag and like it was my fault for expecting too much.

I was devastated for the kids and devastated that I had taken so much deadness for so many years and not really seen it. Just felt dead.

So having got through that, I would now like to be able to make a fresh start and have some space from his brooding, but can't see a way forward without him hanging around, as I lost my job in June and am now financially dependent upon his maintenance for covering my costs, in order for the kids not to have to move community/school etc. It is draining and feels hopeless, quite often. I feel claustrophobic and like when I get out of this prison, I'll be an old woman.

If he rents somewhere else, he won't have anything to contribute to us staying here. So at the moment, he is living in a touring caravan in the driveway.

If I wanted to start again, if I met someone, I would not be much of a catch. Three dependent children, no job and ex living on the driveway. I so wish I would have got out sooner, rather than keep hoping that things would improve.

Could you look at the caravan option as an interim? I couldn't even afford to buy the caravan myself so had to ask my Mum for the money.

We would have more disposable income if he hadn't treated himself to a brand new car, to compensate for his feelings of depression and inadequacy. I feel like he has robbed my life and I have stupidly let him.

If I go out to see a friend or ask for some time 'off', he tries to make me feel like I am a crap mother and selfish, then tries to persuade me it would be better if I left the house and children for him to take on without me. I just want him gone now, it feels so unhealthy to be in this limbo and I can't believe, after having a decent career and financial independence up to now, at the age of 43 I am completely powerless and direction-less.

Now I'm desperately trying to think of ways to get some income together, so that I'm not so dependent on him and he can find a new place. And trying to focus on gratitude that at least we have not lost our home and the kids have some stability in the midst of this.

purplewithred Mon 04-Nov-13 18:41:21

I had to stay with Xdp for 14 months while our house sold and it was the most appalling time of my life. Separate rooms thank goodness but still did untold damage all round.

If you want to split up you are going to have to let go of your current lifestyle. Unfortunately he is going to have to let go of his lifestyle too whether he wants to or not - I do understand you may feel terrible about this but I'm afraid it's part of the deal. See a solicitor, grit your teeth and make it happen. The sooner it's over the better.

lalalonglegs Mon 04-Nov-13 19:34:47

If you really really don't want to move into separate houses/flats, surely you could move the children into the same room while you work out the finances. It is inconceivable that you should continue sharing a bed under these circumstances.

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