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wanting to separate but he can't look after himself

(11 Posts)
tryingtoohard13 Fri 01-Nov-13 20:27:01

well hello all, I am new to this but just needed some advice...
I live with my OH of 10 years (we are not married) and our 2 DC's but I have not been happy with him for quite a long time. In a nutshell I look after him (and everyone else!) both financially but more importantly, emotionally. He has mental health problems but does nothing to help himself (I also have MH problems but receive regular treatment), he misses appts with psych and forgets to take meds etc. He is always in and out of work and has huge debts that wipe out most of his salary every month (when he is working!) and I receive no money towards the housekeeping etc. All my salary and tax credits go on the mortgage, bills and food, I am totally skint. The problem is he doesn't feel that any of this is his responsibility, he is always happy when he is out of work and just laying around the house, playing on the playstation. He always expects me to be responsible for all the decision making and money issues, and even suggested I take on more hours at work to bring in more cash. The last time I was very ill (mentally) and off work he just sat laughing at me and taking the piss out of the fact I could not think straight/talk straight. Yet recently when he was ill (mentally) I arranged treatment and help for him and sat up night after night listening to him and trying to counsel him. He has told me that if we split up (the house is solely mine) and will end up homeless. He was sacked from yet another job today and we are now back to square one. I have no respect for him at all. His family completely ignore me and yet my family help him out alot (mostly financially). I'm not sure what to do. He has no money and his family live 200 miles away. He has no where to go - what should I do?
Thanks in advance

Minime85 Fri 01-Nov-13 20:46:49

gosh it sounds very complicated. I'm not sure I have the best advice but didn't want to not leave a response. CAB might be a good place to start for advice. I hope you sort things out.

Kleptronic Fri 01-Nov-13 20:54:07

I think it is not your responsibility to look after him like you do.

If you are not happy with the relationship I think you should separate.

You have said you have no respect for him (and I am not surprised given what you've said about his behaviour!) so it's not really possible to have a mutually supportive relationship with him.

You're already running everything and taking care of yourself and the DC- I'd say he is nothing more than a drain on you, and his time is up.

qazxc Fri 01-Nov-13 20:58:40

I think it maybe time for you to put your welfare and that of your dc's above his. Should you continue to live feeling trapped as you are? Do your children deserve to grow up in an unhappy household? with parents who do not love or respect each other?
He will either have to learn how to paddle his own canoe or move back in with his family even if it is far.

tryingtoohard13 Sat 02-Nov-13 09:55:42

Thank you all for your advice, I know you are all right, I think in my heart of hearts I know I need to end it and ask him to leave. There is a good chance he will end up homeless, but although I feel responsible for his welfare, I know that it is not my responsibility. Our two boys adore him (as he is like a child himself!) and that breaks my heart. I'm the "bad guy" in their eyes as I'm at work alot and I'm the disciplinarian in the house but my oldest has mentioned that he has heard us arguing, not good! Thank you for all your advice, I just needed confirmation I think! sad

MorrisZapp Sat 02-Nov-13 10:00:26

Yes, what they said. Please just leave this man. He lived independently before he met yiu (presumably) and he will again.

He does not support you. You need to put yourself first. Good luck.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 03-Nov-13 21:04:08

THrow him out. He will either get a grip or (more likely, I'm afraid) go boohooing to some other woman he can leech off. And when she gets sick of him, he will repeat the process until he's too old and repulsive to do it any more. But it is not your responsibility to maintain this parasite at the expense of your own wellbeing and that of your children.

probablyparanoid Fri 15-Nov-13 18:58:16

In order to break free you perhaps need to think about why you feel so bad about leaving him - why do you feel that his needs are more important than yours - maybe you need to be needed? But my view is you need to look after number 1 - you - in order that you can look after number 2 - your kids. Sorry but he comes last after the gold fish. x

Thinkbeforeyouleap Sat 23-Nov-13 15:21:50

Have you talked to him about it? People are quick to give advice online. Some ridiculously stupid answers like the one by SolidGoldBrass are not helpful.

If I were you I'd talk to him about it before making your mind up based on what people who don't know him or what he's really like say.

AnnieLobeseder Sat 23-Nov-13 15:28:52

If you truly feel the relationship is over (and it doesn't sound you get much out of it, TBH), then the best thing to do is end it. You aren't responsible for him, he is an adult. Staying with him just because he won't (note, not can't) look after himself isn't fair on anyone.

If your relationship with your partner is making like harder for you instead of easier and nicer (which is now it should be), and you are the one putting in all the effort, then there's no point in carrying on.

Obviously, partners should suppport each other through illness and hard times, and no-one should expect a relationship to be good all the time. But you are supporting him in his illness while he takes the piss out of you when you are ill.

There's nothing to stay for expect guilt and a misplaced sense of responsibility.

Thinkbeforeyouleap Sat 23-Nov-13 18:18:35

Anyway, this was 3 weeks ago? How did it go? How are you holding up and the kids?

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