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2 days to go til we tell the children

(9 Posts)
Minime85 Thu 31-Oct-13 19:41:14

telling our DDS on Saturday that we are separating. so frightened about how they will take it. aged 8 and 6. any advice? we have books and nice things planned for after. dh has a house lined up so moving out week after. so sad. sad

IndiansInTheFuckerLobby Thu 31-Oct-13 19:49:09

No experience as my son was 16 months when ex left, but try and be positive and assure them that they are loved and that everything will be ok. Explain that it is nothing to do with them. Good luck and if hope you're ok.

NightOfTheCactus Thu 31-Oct-13 20:21:05

Oh Minime - I know, it's horrible. I found the whole process of telling my DD a few months ago absolutely hideous.

I should imagine different children will react in different ways.

One piece of advice I will give is remember that your DDs initial reactions will change as the information sinks in. My own experience was hugely distressing - tears and hysterics from DD and I felt so awful and guilty, even though I knew we had made the right decision. She is coming round though and adjusting. It has been a gradual process needing lots of love, reassurance and consistency, both from me and her Dad, but despite the sad things happening to her family, she is still a happy and secure child who knows she is loved and that both her parents are there for her. Have your reassurances prepared, but if your DDs can't take in too much information at once, give them space and offer the reassurances over time. Be prepared to talk and answer questions over the next weeks and months and let them cry if they need to.

Having something nice planned for after you tell them sounds like a great idea. In my case I took DD to Subway (which she had been pestering me to do for a while) that evening after I told her, and said it was as a reward for doing so well in her sports day earlier that day, which lifted the mood, gave her a treat and took her mind off it for a while. It definitely helped in our case.

The fact that you are focused on your DDs reaction to the news shows that you are coming at this from the right place.

Sending lots of love and hoping that it goes as well as possible for you

sliceofcake Fri 01-Nov-13 07:29:39

Minime, good luck and I so feel for you.
I will be following in your footsteps fairly soon. I suppose all you can do is keep telling them they are loved and it isn't their fault.
Hope it goes ok xx

Flowersandfaff Fri 01-Nov-13 07:50:48

I had to do this earlier this year, the kids were 5 and 6 at the time. They cried, asked loads of questions, had a cuddle from each of us then I distracted them with a walk to the park. Be prepared to answer loads of questions, often ones with no easy answer.
One of the things that worked for us was telling them on the Friday afternoon as stbxh moved out on the Saturday. I'd planned something nice for them to do with a friend while we moved him, then they visited his new house and wanted to stay over in their new room that night. He got a takeaway in and made it a bit of an event for them.
Good luck.

MiconiumHappens Fri 01-Nov-13 08:10:01

Be strong but kind, make sure you're both on the same page and stay that way.

I echo the sane as said above about making sure they know they are loved and this is in no way their fault. Continue to ensure in the coming years that they understand it's not their fault.

I feel for you, but you can do this and you and your kids will be ok. Will take a lot of work and a lot of compromise from you and STBX but you really can all come out of this ok.

Good luck, have an unMN hug.

Minime85 Fri 01-Nov-13 17:26:26

thank u everyone for your kind words and advice. really helpful. honestly. and I know its going to be dreadful but I'm determined to come out of it the other side. this hasn't been what I wanted but for our dds we will be kind and strong together as well as apart. smile

Stupidhead Sun 03-Nov-13 21:59:38

Mine were a bit older and were great. Try to tell them together (you and him) but keep it light and not heavy. Make a huge big deal of being excited for them getting stuff for their new bedroom/s even if it kills you inside. That'd be better coming from him but you'll have to big it up too. They need to know you're still friends. Make it sound fun and an adventure.

On your first night alone with the children make a big deal of ordering a dominos pizza or something (let them choose) and some films. Please please try not to cry. Save that and wine for when they're in bed. They're at the age where Christmas is an exciting build up so let then know they'll help decorate daddy's house.

Not sure why you're splitting but if he is the one 'dumped' it might be wise to talk to him about making it about them and not 'him'. My exh was a twat control freak. So I did the talking ;)

Pistillate Sun 03-Nov-13 22:20:34

It's tough isn't it.... One thing that helped my dd was that she could see that what I was saying about our relationship was true. What do your girls know about the reasons you have decided to split up? Use those things as examples, so they can relate what you are telling them will happen (abstract) to the reality.

This might work better with the older one. The younger one might need lots of cuddles. I recommend a trip to build a bear workshop, if they like that kind of thing.

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