End of the rainbow letter

[rubberbandgirlme]

Dear Xxx,

I am writing in honour of the door I have kept open in my heart to you for 13 years.

I think you owe me an apology, or at the very least, an honest explanation.

There was a time you thought you loved me, and there was a time I made you happy, though neither of these states seem to have pleased you for a very, very long time.

While I can only concede that you haven't seen me at my best for a long time now (and I plead mitigating circumstances for that) I don't come away from our relationship thinking I was a bad partner to you. I don't wish I'd have been different, or better, or more as you'd have liked. I don't feel I was demanding or overbearing or unloving or unkind or unsupportive or unappreciative or unadmiring or even untrusting. I am sure you'd love to point to examples that contradict that statement, but, without provocation, without need to retaliate - no, I was none of those things - and even with just cause, I still was open to try again to be loving, kind, supportive, appreciative, admiring and trusting - and until the next upset - I always succeeded in finding those attributes for you. I will never look back and wish I'd have loved you better, or made you more aware of how much I loved you, or tried harder to be perfect for you.

In the past, you've left it months and then approached me with varieties on the theme of 'I will always hope we could get back together' 'I was keeping my head down' 'I will always love and miss you''I was hoping we could start dating again'. Having, at times in the past, been shoving desperately to close the door - I need to tell you that the door to my heart is no longer offering any resistance to being closed.

Xxx and I are talking about double-dating together. We have been discussing a concerted campaign of singles nights, dating agencies, clubbing etc. It is a prospect that appeals to me, especially with the impetus of helping a friend.

I am telling you this so you know something about me for sure - my life experience has taught me this: I have been in love and broken-hearted before I met you and I know, once the door in my heart is closed, it's closed for good - so completely, it is as though the door was never there at all. All will go - all the love and all the anger and all the attraction. It's remarkably like 'The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind' for me.

Once the door is closed I will be a stranger to you. A polite, no animosity stranger true - but there'll be nothing left in my eyes for you. There will be no wistful 'if only's' or 'do you remember the time when we ...?' no answer to the 'thinking of you' xmas text. Nothing Xxxx.

It is, in all probability, too late anyway (I am reading the writing on the wall now, not railing at it), there really isn't manana y manana y manana anymore - and in honour of how long the door has been open for you, I must make you aware that the door is all but shut - a very small possibility it is not quite shut - but even that chink of light in the doorway could be illusory Once I start looking for love elsewhere, I know for certain it will be closed forever.

I have no idea what this truth I am telling you will mean to you - but any small idea you may have of some day, in some distant future, picking up with me again is futile, you'll not be able to rely on your charm or your memory of my love to change that fact. Nothing you would hope for or expect, will be there.

This, I guess, is my last loving gesture to you. Know for sure what you are choosing to do right now - know you are pulling the door shut as I am behind and pushing against it.

I can't honestly say whether I want you to stop or continue pulling. I don't think I have a want either way. I think maybe the chink of light I see is only this concern that you know what is truly happening. A last melancholic look back by me, perhaps.

With respect and love for our shared happy history, and respect for the state of marriage,

Xxxxx



Dear reader: he told me to let the door close.

[OnePlanOnHouzz]

wow ! such a heart squeezing read ! someone special is going to be so delighted to have someone like you in their life!
hope you find each other soon !
:-)

[rubberbandgirlme]

Thank you OnePlanOnHouzz - that's very kind of you :-)

The leaving me / coming back / leaving me has been going on for over 4 years now - Each time he left it was always 'absolutely the end' - with all the grief that came with that.

I really needed to tell us BOTH enough is enough - it's been killing me for too long.

It'd be wonderful to find someone special, but just stopping being on the end of a yoyo string (and not being grief-stricken by that) will be fantastic :-D

[Sasquatch75]

Aw I'm all choked up! How awful that you had to go through the pain of separation with him more than once :( I don't give second chances - maybe that's a bad thing. But I'd be too scared of what's happened to you happening to me. I'll take my chances with someone else... One day.

Lovely to read that though. Hope you're ok.

[rubberbandgirlme]

thanks Sasquatch75 :-)

It's amazing how much of what I'd thought I'd never accept - I did, while I couldn't get that door closed :-)

I'm OK - sad, of course, but ok :-)

I'd be happier if I could work out how to work these bloomin' smileys! :-D

[Sasquatch75]

Lol!! Don't put the noses in :)

[separated]

oh my goodness. so beautifully written and EXACTLY how I feel having finally shut the door on my 22 year relationship after his comings and goings. It's been a month since I left - I hope you're as happy as I am. It's like reading something I could have written. xxx

[separated]

oh my goodness. so beautifully written and EXACTLY how I feel having finally shut the door on my 22 year relationship after his comings and goings. It's been a month since I left - I hope you're as happy as I am. It's like reading something I could have written. xxx

[rubberbandgirlme]

Thank you so much Separated :) sorry it has taken me so long to reply - haven't checked on the thread for a while.

I am so sorry you had the yo-yo treatment too - after 22 years you'd have thought he'd have made his mind up wouldn't you? It's a cruel and heartless way to treat anyone. I'm so glad to hear you are happy now - well done you :D

I'm certainly getting happier! Still some way to go but I've finally realised my STBXH is a complete dickhead and ever will be!

I don't know if your ex was a cheating get but mine certainly was and the leaving / coming back / leaving etc abuse is pretty common for these - (I'm borrowing this term from someone else who posted on another thread) tosspotopaths (lol - I SO love that :D)

As you can probably guess - I've moved somewhat from the 'loving' sentiment I felt for him in my letter. It's amazing how effective NC is at getting you to see through the fog!

In the 4 years of total mindfucks from him - I must have googled thousands of websites on the theme of; cheating husband why? husband cheating why? why cheating husband? :D I would say a good 95% of all wisdom out there advises there was something wrong with the marriage to cause him to stray (I'll say there was something wrong with the marriage - it had him in it!). I have to say, none of that crap did me any good whatsoever. Instead of getting out of there AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT HE WAS A TOSSPOTOPATH, I got into OCD navel-gazing and 'trying' to reconcile and work out what was wrong with ME!!!!! Nothing was wrong with me - other than a misplaced trust in the goodness of humanity (that penny took a long time to drop - I guess it was him not having a twirly moustache, dark cloak and lack of tying me to the railway tracks that had me fail to see what a complete 'baddie' he was / is - he'll never change and he'll never be able to walk away from him, as I have done). 4 years wasted on trying to put lipstick on a pig and beating myself up for the choices he made!

I really hope you too have finally 'seen the light' Separated and can remain strong and happy (before this last and final episode I couldn't be sure in my heart that it was really all over between him and me - a month no contact meant very little to how vulnerable I was to his love-bombing manipulation - and a month of silent treatment from him was pretty much normal). I've found a terrific website - ChumpLady.com It is really for people who have been betrayed by cheaters, so perhaps it may not be appropriate for your situation, but hurrah - finally a site that doesn't push reconciliation or 'you must share the blame' bullshit. If you ever find yourself weakening, go take a look. Even if the core subject of being cheated on is not relevant to you, it is worth keeping in mind how disrespectful and unloving being kept on a yo-yo string was and will help you stay strong in refusing to accept that abuse any more in your life :D The posts are intelligent and moving and funny and righteously angry! They've done more for me than any amount of 'You can save this marriage if you try harder at being perfect' bollocks!

Anyway, I'm so glad you liked my letter to him - I'm so, so glad we've both moved on from that terrible place where we were tying ourselves in knots to be more perfect for our respective 'hims' bugger 'em I say. Best wishes to you and your new happy, unfuckedup lovely life ahead :-D

xxxx