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Overnight stays

(10 Posts)
Lizyloured Thu 26-Sep-13 19:05:13

Hi all - ex partner has scuttled off to a house share to live - he wants our DD ages 5 to go and stay there. She will have no bed and be in the house he shares with other adults - I have said NO WAY - I don't know these people and don't want her there - am I being reasonalbe and what are my rights legally? Any help it advice xxx

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 26-Sep-13 19:52:27

Does your ex have parental responsibility? If yes then no you can't stop him legally, you can express displeasure, but how he parents in his contact time is his business.
Would you feel better if you knew she had say a blow bed to sleep on?

millymolls Fri 27-Sep-13 11:29:19

well if its any consolation, i would do the same. I would be suggesting that until he sorts out suitable accomodation for himself which provides appropriate sleep arrangements then he would not be having overnights, but would accomodate day visits as best i could.

How reasonable is he if you suggest this? Is this somehting you can discuss sensibly - what are his longer term plans for housing?? Does he not see that what he is proposing is not suitable?

millymolls Fri 27-Sep-13 11:30:30

btw for me, suitable accomodation does not include my children having to share a house with a load of adults i do not know, its not simply providing her a bed there!

Lizyloured Fri 27-Sep-13 21:54:15

Thanks peeps - he won't discuss anything with me just keeps telling me he has rights - the only persons rights I'm worried about are dds. I've said he can see her tomorrow but can pick and drop her off from my mums house, can't cope with seeing him yet. Have no idea what he will do with her for 6 hours - he has no car ect x

fifi669 Mon 30-Sep-13 20:17:39

Absolutely no way! It's an adult household and you don't know the other people and can't monitor their behaviour. If one decides to bring someone back that night your ex can't stop them.

If he had his own place but one bed he gave up for her I wouldn't consider that a dealbreaker. Times are hard and all that.

perfectstorm Tue 01-Oct-13 23:25:10

I'm assuming you aren't on the sort of terms where you could go round for a cup of tea and meet them all? I don't know - if he's generally a good and responsible father, and he has a double bed or a blow up mattress he'd share with her, then I don't think it's that bad, tbh. She's not going to be alone with them, is she? She'll be her dad's responsibility.

If she's only five and a flatmate brought someone back she'd assume they were having a sleepover too. Small kids have no idea of any other context. I don't really think it would worry me unless the ex is seriously irresponsible and the people he lives with likelier to be bad news.

If there's any way around this then I think it's important for your DD that she has a good relationship with her dad, and that needs to involve overnights if possible. And it's expensive, having a flat of his own. Another poster was fuming about his CSA minimum child support while insisting he needed a 2 bed flat to house her in. He was moving to a houseshare with teachers which seemed a lot more sensible if he was going to pay up regularly. If your ex is reliable about his child support he might not be able to pay for a place of his own. I don't think your DD should lose out because of it, unless his flatmates are dodgy.

fifi669 Wed 02-Oct-13 14:19:19

It's less about bringing someone back for adult time, more that person is an unknown quantity.....

perfectstorm Thu 03-Oct-13 00:45:13

But that takes us back to how reliable the ex is, doesn't it? If her father is with her, it's hardly as though Something Terrible will happen - any more likely than nice Uncle Fred will hurt them, anyway.

Most abuse, if that's what you're driving at, follows grooming and is perpetrated by someone known to and trusted by the family. Housemate's random hook-ups are no more risky than a sleepover at a schoolfriend's place would be, IMO.

I think the risk of a depleting bond with her own father is a bigger deal than sleepovers in a communal household, myself.

fifi669 Thu 03-Oct-13 21:12:40

It doesn't have to be abuse, it could be bad language or inappropriate conversations, their behaviour might not be child friendly.

I'm all for giving dads a fair shot and argue for equality continuously but this would make me uneasy.

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