Drop off/pick up?

[Beccawoo]

Just reposting under a new thread.... See thread about letting ex in the house for a bit of history lol!


Thanks, that's reassuring. However his new suggestion is that once a week he collects kids from me at 5.30 on his way home from work, then I have to collect back from him at 7pm. This means a round trip of an hour for me so he can spend an hour with the kids. Is this unreasonable or would a judge accept it as we are 'sharing the journey'? I do collect from him after he's had them for a weekend. My biggest worry is that yes, it would be a pain but I could do it right now, however I am going to be looking for part time work next year and my partner and I would like a child of our own in the future too. Both of these things would make it very difficult for me to collect the kids from him, however he will want everything written up legally. Despite that he seems to consider only what works here and now rather than a long term agreement.

Any advice? Am I being as selfish as he says by refusing to collect them?! Please tell me the truth, I won't be offended! It's just that in my experience, the absent parent seems to be the one that does all the running - not necessarily fair I know, but he was the one who chose to leave....

[tywysogesgymraeg]

IMO, you make the decision whether or not to have a child with your new partner in the knowledge of the fact that you are already sharing two children with a previous partner, and all the logistics and organisation that this entails.
The children you already have shouldn't suffer from reduced contact with their Dad because you have decided to have a new child with someone else.

Just saying...

[Beccawoo]

This is true, but when my ex husband made the decision to have 2 children with me, I believed he would be sticking around for a family life....

It just frustrates me that he walks out and I am the one so as to run around..... Sorry, may not be reasonable but that is how it feels!

[tywysogesgymraeg]

I do understand what you mean (though never been in that position myself), and I know it's not as easy as my post made out.

Stupid question (probably), but have you tried explaining to him what you just said (ie that you feel you are doing all the running around)?

how old are DCs? Will they be old enough soon to make their own way between houses?

[VanitasVanitatum]

If on his way to/from work is past you/their school, could he have a mid week overnight and drop them back to you/school in the morning?

[Beccawoo]

Thanks for replies. Kids are only 3.5 and 1.5, so all down to me for a while I'm afraid!
I've offered overnight stay but he refused saying is too disruptive in the morning.
He doesn't care that I feel I'm doing all the running - just says I'm being selfish. This all stems from me refusing to let him come in to see them in my new home where I live with a new partner - he used to visit in the marital home after he left before we sold it.

[olgaga]

I would refuse. I can't see how it is in their interests to be coming home so late in midweek, and spending a whole hour being driven to and fro just to spend one hour with him.

If he wants to see them midweek, he needs to be thinking of the future - getting into a routine of collecting them from nursery/childminder/school and taking them back the next day.

In short, he needs to be thinking about how HE facilitates the contact time he has requested without relying on you to run around facilitating his preferred arrangements. You won't always be able to do that, so start as you mean to go on.

If he can't be bothered putting himself out to get them organised in the morning then obviously he has to bring them back - but it's up to him to decide what he wants to do.

If he only sees them for an hour, why can't he just take them to a cafe for a drink and a treat locally? Plenty of large supermarkets have cafes. Is there something like a Beefeater/Harvester? He won't have to spend a lot.

There is no "rule" that says you have to share the driving. Every case is individual The only cases I've known where that has applied is where there are long distances.

Happy to provide you with more info if you PM me.

[Beccawoo]

Thanks olgaga, that's really helpful. It's exactly what I think and in fact what I've suggested. I live on the edge of a lovely forest with an fabulous outdoor playground that the children love, so in the summer months there is plenty of things to do. In the winter there are lots of very family friendly pubs and restaurants, some with small inside play corners, to go for dinner or a treat. He is just continually insisting that this is not good enough quality time, that I am denying his children of quality time with their father, and his solicitor has somehow convinced him that my apparently selfish preference for not having him spend time with the kids in my home is unreasonable and a judge would put the children's time with their father first and force me to have him on my home?! I thought all a court could do is force me to make them available on certain days and times - which I am more than happy to do anyway. He had said he can get to me for 5.30, I have said he must have them back for 7.30 as they are young and that is already past bedtime. Surely that is acceptable and all I need to do? The time in between is for him to arrange??

[olgaga]

I think you should call his bluff - because I truly think it is bluff. Just firmly reiterate your proposal and emphasise it's in the interests of the children given their respective ages.

Ignore what he says about his solicitor's "advice" - that doesn't stack up. It sounds more like that's what he'd like his solicitor to say.

I think a Judge, if it came to it (which I doubt) would have a very different view!

[millymolls]

completely agree with Olgaga. If he is not prepared to take them back to his and have them the night and bring them back home in the morning (or drop off at nursery/school or wherever they need to be) then he should just pick them up, take them to the park, or to a cafe or something local to yours and drop them back.

Aside from you, why make the kids to that much driving/sitting in a car for just one hour of time with their dad??

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all - he just wants it all on his terms. Tell him you are more than happy for him to spend time with it but he needs to work out how to facilitate it.

and BTW, i personally dont think that 1 hour is 'quality' time with their dad. By the time he has got them out of the car, taken coats and shoes off, got them a drink it will be time to get them ready to get back in the car! Complete waste of time.

[grumpydwarf]

I agree with Olgaga too. Call his bluff. My exh constantly says things like this to "prove" his point once telling me that he could take half my tax credits and child benefit as he is entitled and the CSA told him that but doesn't because he is being nice? err you see your son once a month twat bag and are entitled to nothing! grrr....

Dont be pushed into something that you dont think you can sustain. Just offer what you have and if he chooses to take it then thats up to him to arrange transport etc or what he does. Frankly I wouldn't agree to my DS being out later than bedtime so I think your a nicer person than me!

If he cannot work it out and refuses to take the kids place they will enjoy nearer their main home to spend quality time with them or have them overnight then that is up to him. Wait til the kids are older and then he can keep them later if they want.

[Beccawoo]

Thanks. I just don't think he understands that this is the consequences of leaving your family when your kids are so young. He has to fit in with them, not them with him. I also agree that an hour is indeed not quality time, and have offered a few hours of a Saturday morning on alternate weekends instead (he has them the whole weekend every other) which is much nicer time, but he refused it as it means he will see them less often once week rather than 3 times a fortnight.

He's now being very aggressive and abusive via text, which I do my best to ignore, and decided to tell my son on the phone that the reason he couldn't come round was because he has to work late to earn money for mummy as she is too lazy to go work. I mean seriously, it's one thing to be rude to me but to hear him speak to the kids like that makes my blood boil even more!!

[olgaga]

It's best ignored, though you might want to keep a diary of these exchanges. You may at some point need to get legal advice.

It's sad that your children are too young to understand any of this. All you can do is reassure them and be factual - eg "What Daddy meant was he has to earn money to pay for his family like all Daddies have to do".

They will understand one day how badly he has treated them, and you.