How to get out?(7 Posts)
H and I have decided to divorce, which is hard enough in it's own right. But I just don't know where to start. He owns the house, and has no intention of leaving or selling, so I need to find somewhere for myself and our two dd's. I have no savings and I'm paying off debt that we accrued when I was on mat leave and made redundant. I'm also an expat, so no family in this country. I work full time, and will have full custody of the girls, who are 3 and 5.
I'm assuming I need to find first/last month's rent + a deposit if I'm going to find somewhere to rent. But most of my income goes directly to the childminder, so I'm not sure how long it will take to save up that amount.
I'm just not sure how long I can cope under the same roof as H, even when we do our best to stay out of each other's way. (at the moment, we take turns sleeping away so that the girls always have someone home.) He's not physically violent, but the relationship has been emotionally abusive and his most recent outburst was directed at our 3yo DD. I think our relationship is only going to become more strained the longer this drags out.
Do I have to move out and make myself and the girls homeless, in order to access support? I just don't know what to do.
Are you in the UK, Fuzzy?
You need advice from the CAB, and from a lawyer. If you're married, there is absolutely no reason why he gets to decide that he keeps the house and you keep the debt - you are entitled to marital assets. I suspect he's convinced you that you won't get anything, as part of the EA, but you're in a more powerful position than you think.
I'm sure if you're married and he owns the house you may be entitled to half the profits if he sells up. Maybe go see a solicitor, I think you can express an interest if your names not on the property. If you're in the Uk you can get half an hour free with a solicitor.
Surely if the dc are in a cm's he should be paying half. They're his dc too.
Get some sound legal advice ASAP, to put your mind at rest.
Try and get copies of all accounts he has if you can.
I am in the UK, and am going to get advice from the CAB next week. I'm sure if he was selling the house then I would be entitled to some of the profits, but he has no intention of selling it, or moving out.
Even if he did want to sell, houses are sitting on the market here for years, so there's no guarantee that it would sell at a profit or at all. I just don't see a way to move forward if I'm still having to live here where he can just keep digging away at me every time he sees me...
If there is NO way you can avoid living with him you need to set boundaries. abuse is abuse weather its physical or not and its a crime. And it almost always gets worse. I don't live in the UK I live in Australia, here you can have a domestic violence order on your spouse/ex even if you are still living under the same roof. If that seems extreme I would document his outbursts. I hope you and your children find a nice home. Emotional support is important perhaps you could seek out a women's group. How do you know you will defiantly have full custody. (I'm not sure of the laws there)
I know I'll have full custody because he just doesn't want it, or have any intention of having the girls for more than alternate weekends. I'm trying to stay out of his way so that we don't have the opportunity to row.
But then he does things like not turn up when he knows I'm supposed to be working... It's really difficult. When I have my own space, then at least I can feel comfortable asking friends around to chat or for help looking after the girls if I need it, instead of waiting to leave for work and just hoping he'll turn up!
Just an update--Things aren't really getting any better. I've made the call to the tax credit people to say that the relationship has ended and I'm moving out--and while they say I'll be entitled to more money, my payments have stopped over the last two weeks and I'm really struggling.
In the meantime, it's not going very well sharing a house with STBX. He wants me out and quickly.
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