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Advice on how to get him to wake up?

(6 Posts)
pigloo22 Fri 14-Jun-13 13:23:12

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 11. We have 2 sons (6 & 5).

We are from Canada. We moved to the UK in 2003 so my husband could complete a Master's in Underwater Archaeology (his dream). I worked full time to put him through this degree. Then his dream changed and we relocated to Exeter so he could do a PGCE there. I left my job and had to temp at the Univeristy to put him through school. Then he got a good job and I found a career and we bought a house in Devon. We had 2 kids. Things were good for a while then he was made redundant from his teaching job and started temping. Days would pass without work and he fell into depression. He used to take naps in the middle of the day, sleep in and be a completely horrible person to be with. I had to keep the family ship afloat and took on everything to keep things positive for the kids. I worked through this whole period and was the sole bread winner for some time. Our relationship soured. We went to Relate. It was a horrible period.

Then, in a bid to get some work last year he applied for a job in the ME (withouth telling me). He got the job, told me about it and basically I just had to get over it and move on with things. So I have just spent a year as a single mother while he works away and sends cash back. I do EVERYTHING (even more than the everything of before) and work FT as well.

He is quitting and coming home in 3 weeks as this being away has not worked for the family. Well, I thought he was coming home but I have found out that AGAIN, he has lined up work in London behind my back. The kids are desperate to live with their father. He says he will only be in London a day a week (or maybe 2 or so). I am so done with this. He needs to be HERE with us ALL THE TIME. I have spent the last year on my own so I know I can do it on my own if I need to.

I do also need to say that his new career path is to become a business analyst in the city. He has no background in this and is quite the hippy actually but wants to do this to get cash. That is the motive. Not a love of it. He tells me that I should support his dreams. As far as I see it, i HAVE supported every dream he has had to this point, every whim to take on another course or relocate and I quit my job.

What should I do here? Separation in the hopes he finally starts to listen? Divorce?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 14-Jun-13 13:31:14

He is operating like a free agent, so you may as well divorce him. What an idiot!

LemonBreeland Fri 14-Jun-13 13:37:14

I agree he is acting like a free agent. He is not thinking of the family at all. You gave suffered for years to go along with his whims. He has just followed every dream he has had and you have had to fit in.

I really don't see a future for you I'm afraid. You would be b3tter on your own making youe own decisions.

pigloo22 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:01:45

I feel like this is the case as well but the kids are so keen to be together as a family. Has anyone else on here given the ultimatum and it has worked for you?

sandiy Fri 14-Jun-13 18:34:14

Have you considered that there. May be someone else.It sounds to me like there might be When my ex started on this kind of behaviour it was because of someone but honestly I swore to myself and everyone it was nt the case.My advice is to address it straight on.Have the conversation and see where it takes you.You re already essentially a single parent.Children are usually adaptable if dad has a base else where.

tiredofthisnow Sat 15-Jun-13 22:46:02

I've namechanged for this as first time posting on this section.

OP, your story is strikingly similar to mine. We have been together for 15 years, married for nearly 9, two children aged 11 and 8. My husband has had several career changes (including teaching), made big decisions career-wise without consulting me (or consulting me, but then doing it anyway regardless of my views!), sessions with relate, currently working abroad for long periods at a time, numerous slides into depression which is then the trigger for the next 'big change' in his constant search to "find happiness".

At Easter this year he came home and said he wanted a divorce, as he's now decided that it's our relationship that is not making him happy, and that he deserves a chance at happiness in another relationship, so that's it. He's going to move out. He refuses to accept that there will be an impact on the children as they are already used to him living away for weeks at a time, and anyway "he will be no good to them if he is depressed" so again, his pursuit of happiness is his top priority.

I do wonder now whether getting married and having children was just his 'pursuit of happiness' project at that time, and now he's over it and on to the next thing.

It's good that you have continued to work - I became a SAHM to support his career choice to work away - I massively regret that decision now!

I am gutted, particularly for the children, who will be devastated when we tell them. I swing from being really upset, and then being absolutely furious at the total selfishness of what he is doing! However, there is a part of me that feels a kind of relief that I am done with this, and although divorce is not what I want for myself or the children, when it happens I will then be in charge of my own life again and not forever chasing his next dream.

In terms of advice, I would be wary about issuing any kind of ultimatum unless you really mean it. Do you want to still be with him? Although the children are used to him being away, it would still be a painful process for them etc Could you say that the relationship is under huge stress by his dream chasing, and you need to find a way for it to work for both of you - is going back to Relate and option?

I'm sorry my story hasn't been more positive sad

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