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So confused and tired

(3 Posts)
dai5y Mon 08-Apr-13 08:47:26

I am in a terrible place. My husband and I am on the brink of divorce but both have not agreed to it yet. He is a Jekyll and Hyde character. The kind part is very kind but the unkind part of him is controlling, serious and nasty. He is also a workaholic so we are alone for most of the week and the weekends are usually spent waiting for him to feel happy enough to do something...usually just a trip to a coffee shop. He never plans family holidays and anything we ever do is hard work..etc etc I love/loved the kind person he can be but having kids and the working long hours (when he does not need to financially) seems to have totally squashed that side of his character. I have so much resent already for the life we have led. I dream of a life on my own with the kids just laughing and having fun. We rarely have people to visit because he is also not very sociable. The list on the bad side feels endless. The list on the good side is he has a great job and we have a good standard of living. That is about it. I am expected to value this over everything else I want but right now I am not sure money is enough...certainly over the years it has not made us or him happy.
I feel sick to the core when I thinking of telling the kids. They think he is a great dad but they are early primary and I do not think it will be long before they start to realise the restrictions we have in life.
I am also writing this because in the last six weeks it has come to a head because it turns out he is very unhappy with me. I am apparently emotionless. Some of that is down to how I feel about him, something we have tried to discuss but the conversation always gets nasty and he resorts to personal insults and intimidating comments.
Does anyone have any light at the end of tunnel tales...thank you
Oh and I forgot to add my father is terminally ill at the moment...just to add to the stress and to give me less patience..sad

NorksAreMessy Mon 08-Apr-13 18:18:55

Oh dai5y you poor thing, what a horrible situation. So sorry to hear about your DDad as well.

There are lots of brilliant stories on here from women who HAVE bitten the bullet and left and are so much happier now.
Do you have any plans in place? Any financial security of your own?

We can help

PenelopePitstop72 Tue 16-Apr-13 21:59:41

Hi dai5y, i have been in that terrible place too. i fully sympathise. My husband sounds very much like yours. After years of trying to communicate with him about how his behaviours were affecting me and our girls and trying to get him to start treating me right, i gave in last October. I had dreamed of life without him for a long while. I went through many different stages like feeling sorry for myself, anger, denial, i've made my bed so i'll lie in it, utter despair and beginning to feel like my mental health was suffering before i finally realised i coud not continue and had to get out for my own and the girls sake. So i gave up and asked him to leave last November. A very tough decision to make. Telling little one was incredibly tough but i had to stay strong and i did not waiver when he tried to convince me to change mind at the 11th hour when he went hunting for flat. I knew by then, he could not change and at best could put a show on for a couple of weeks before reverting to Mr Angry, Lazy, Bully, Control Freak, Unsociable, Selfish etc. These past 5 months i've begun to feel more like myself. Relief from the suffocation of the sitaution tht i felt was instant. i'm light hearted and happy. I don't waken in mornings wishing he was not there. I have stopped the regular crying i used to do. Although it is difficult to go through with and takes courage and strength, i feel the positives outweigh the negatives.

Are you mainly happy most of the time, or mainly sad and having problems? Have you tried counselling? would he be willing to go and try and work things through? I never went for that option becuase he saw no wrong in anything he ever did - it would have been a waste of time. When i confided in friends, i realised how truly awful my marraige was. Outsiders are great at bringing perspective. Try speaking to a trained counsellor who will help you work through your feelings and options. Think what you want from life and be honest if theres the possibility of getting that from him. Only you will know. Its a decision which is not easy to make, but i would say follow your gut. 100% certainity in which path to follow is impossible to gain as part of you will love this man and yearn for happiness and to be cherished by him. I understand about the money aspect. I gave up my dream of moving to a nice modern house in a good area which we could have done together. But money and big houses dont bring happiness. And it's my goal to now manage to do that by myself - one day! I beleive there's nothing much i cant do now if i set my mind to it.

the sting in the tail for me has been that within 3 months of separation, my husband replaced me. 12 years together and bang, they were gone. although i know in my head i dont want him back, it still hurts immensely. So seriously, consider if you really want rid of him, dont separate in an effort to make him change. It may backfire.

On a positive note, i'm happier, have more confidence and my parents say my daughters tantrums and temper flares are much improved since he moved out. By no means am i recommending you to follow the same path, but i just wanted to let you know that this path, if you choose to follow it, will be ok. God bless. x

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