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Leaving the family home and making shared custody work

(11 Posts)
typographicerrors Sat 23-Feb-13 23:45:32

My partner and I are separating - my decision, not his. We have two dd 6 & 3 and he is avery good hands on dad. It will most likely be me that moves out and we will share parenting but my circumstances will be markedly different due to finances - from beautiful home to (likely) small, flat, shared bedroom for kids etc, no garden, no money to do nice things. Can anyone share similar experiences about how best to make it work for the children?

muddykittenheels Sun 24-Feb-13 00:11:19

the dcs will very much take their lead from you. If you mope around then they will too. If you see this as a slight change but never the less manage to still have fun then they will too. Basically they will look to you for how to feel and cope so be strong and everything will be ok x

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 24-Feb-13 09:19:59

My ExH left the family home and I took over the mortgage. This has left cash very tight. DD and I take great pleasure in going for walks together, snuggling up and watching a movie eating home made pizza, she helps me cook and we do crafting together.
We actually enjoy these things much more now ExH is not around to moan about the mess they are making or how boring they are!

Xenia Sun 24-Feb-13 09:59:02

Why would you leave? I doubt any lawyer would advise you to leave. Is there a good reason why you will be leaving and moving to a smaller house when your husband is the one wanting to break up? Or perhaps you are not married but even so you may have a right to stay. May be take some legal advice from a solicitor.

typographicerrors Sun 24-Feb-13 22:38:06

thanks muddykittenheels - very sage and sensible advice that I hope I can follow

lonecat - I think what worries me is that I wont be in the family home any more - so it will feel strange to them to be in a less comfortable unfamiliar environment - one that I hope they will grow to love but which i worry will feel strange to begin with.

Xenia - its my decision to leave, not his and we have always shared parenting - I feel bad enough about the separation without trying to turf him out of the family home. ultimately I think we will need to sell it. i hate the idea of leaving but am trying to minimise the pain for my OH.

wannaBe Sun 24-Feb-13 22:50:18

I am in this position too and will be moving out on Friday.

In my situation stbxh has bought me out of the house and I have used this as a deposit on a much smaller house but which is just around the corner. Like you op we will be sharing parenting, and i have essentially made it into a bit of an adventure in so much as that ds has been involved where possible. I got the keys to my new house a week ago and picked up ds from school before going there, have involved him in buying stuff we need for the house etc and talking about stuff we're going to do and so on. I am very much being as positive about it as I can be, and because we're sharing parenting I'm not making any massive stipulations about access etc - ds is ten, we live five minutes apart, if he wants to see his dad on weekends when he's with me for instance then I don't see that as a problem - he's ten and should be able to have some input into these things as long as practically possible iyswim.

typographicerrors Tue 26-Feb-13 17:41:16

thanks for sharing wannaBe, will be really interested to hear how you get on. It sounds as though this is an amicable split - was it a mutual decision or one persons choice?

notsoladyjess Fri 01-Mar-13 12:24:57

Hi all,
I have decided to separate from my H too and would like to share the parenting. He is refusing to move out of the family home so I have decided to go and rent somewhere. Having looked at lots of smaller places, initially I felt really down and pretty full of self pity! but I have a renewed sense of vigour and am viewing a lovely place tomorrow.
I know it will be difficult financially but I am sure I can do without a lot of the things I spend my money on! I am just looking forward to moving on and feeling happy.
It really has been very up and down but I know it is the right thing to do and I intend to involve my 2 dss (7 and 9yrs) and try and be positive about the new place and the new set up (my youngest is already excited about having 2 bedrooms!)
Good luck with everything!
j xx

skaboy Sun 03-Mar-13 08:49:50

I'm seperated from my wife as of last thursday. Its always been me who did most with the kids and recently I've done everything. She had an affair and is adamant she jhas the house because she put money into it recently although we shared the mortgage and I put the deposit in (I have paid slightly more overall).

I have been sleeping on a friends floor-this is the toughest bit. I miss my family horribly but I'm spending a lot of time with the kids in the day. I think I need a place of my own where I can grow and move on. It would leave us both struggling and my wife doesn't want to sell yet.

She says she needs space and wants time to think and that we might get back together in 6 months. I don't even know if I want that and if she is seeing someone else that effectively draws the line under it for me.

I don't know what the answers are to your situation but I'm writing down as much as I can, trying to stay busy and look after myself and the kids. I think we are going to have to sit down in the near future and draw up a plan for the next few months. If you and your husband can talk this through calmly putting kids before money then you could do the same? We're considering family mediation

Toadspawn Sun 03-Mar-13 08:52:19


Til80 Fri 15-Mar-13 14:55:21

I moved out of the family home at the end of January. I work full time and my husband had been Stay at home dad to our 11 year old son for the last 18 months. I found a nice apartment 3 mins walk from the old place. We have joint custody. Every other weekend Fri - Sun with me and then every Tuesday and Wednesday with me.

Son absolutely LOVES the new apartment and feels very at home there. Ex and I have remained friends and we have a shared meal every week. On the days when I don't see our son (those days I have to commute for an hour from home) I usually pop in around 7pm before going back to my place just to have a cuppa and say goodnight to son.

We were married for 12 years - money will be tight, but my god, I have never felt happier. It is terrifying to make the plunge, but if you really feel it is right, just do it. Be positive, the kids will adjust and see happier parents.

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