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little contact...children are becoming estranged..what if I don't return them?

(20 Posts)
lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 13:56:40

Any one of you has been so desparate about seing their children? How did you manage more access?

I see my children once a week for a few hours and alternate week-end. before seprarating I had given up my job to look after them. Now they are with their dad and I feel like I don't exist anymore. When they play, dad is mentioned all the time and mum is just not here. I have no idea how they are as I see them so little; when I notice a behavioural problem I can't do anything about it as I do see them so little. I have no involvement with school and I am more educated and able to support them through it than my ex. I feel so useless, erased from their life.
Court hasn't solved anything and it's been nearly a year. They seem to think that it does not matter if mum is absent.

I am getting so frustrated and sad and i am considering not returning the children until a suitable arrangement is agreed. Is it completely foolish and is it going to get me into trouble?
I feel so desperate!

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:01:44

before seprarating I had given up my job to look after them

If you were their primary carer why are they now with their dad?

Do you speak to them on the phone daily?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:04:30

left the house after an incident of domestic violence which was left unproven so no charges

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:07:01

On you or by you?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:07:49


Astelia Thu 10-Jan-13 14:12:34

How old are the children?

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:13:39


The contact you currently have is pretty normal for a non resident parent though.

Not sure if I should ask but, why didn't you take the children when you left?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:20:13

I don't care if it is normal or not! I just can't live like this anymore! I want my children back! Is not returning them an option. sorry the smile appear out of nowherei am more angry sad

yani Thu 10-Jan-13 14:34:06

Would your ex be open to negotiating a few more hours per week?

I strongly advise against not returning them

How long ago did this happen?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:36:42

we went through mediation and he refused all my proposals. Yani what happens if I don't return them?

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:38:15

Does he have a residency order?

ivykaty44 Thu 10-Jan-13 14:39:24

does your ex work?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:44:51

next time you are going to ask me the colour of his pubes lol! I am a bit weary of giving out too much info!

yani Thu 10-Jan-13 14:45:14

I'm not in any way or form legally trained, nor do I have any personal experience of this.

However, if you want to spend more time with your children, then you must follow the rules. A court would take a very dim view of anyone trying to breach an order. You have to think longer term.

Can you apply to the court for greater access?

Whay didn't you take them with you? and why are they living with their Dad?

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 14:50:45

I was running for my life and he had no reason to be angry at the children

yani Thu 10-Jan-13 14:55:27

Sorry to keep asking such intrusive questions, I'm just trying to understand your situation.

If you feel your dc are at risk by living with your ex, perhaps your solicitor can apply for a residency order for you on those grounds.

STIDW Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:01

Not returning them isn't really an option and acting unilaterally could prejudice your case. It would only be more upset for the children. The chances are the father would apply to court as an emergency to have them returned on the basis there sense of security and established bonds shouldn't be disrupted at least until a final court decision has been made.

Is there any specific reason you have no involvement with the school? If you have PR you can normally approach the school yourself, ask for reports and information about events to be sent to you and attend events, become involved with the board of governors or volunteer to help with some ex-curricular activities.

ivykaty44 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:40:39

it is hardly giving out information a yes or no twice to a couple of very relevant questions - fine don't answer the questions but then don't be surprised when people on here can't give you advise as they can't second guess the situation, as people don't generally want to give duff info

lavendervision Thu 10-Jan-13 19:46:07

ivy he does not work

ivykaty44 Thu 10-Jan-13 21:10:51

then he is going to be classed as there main carer after this time and it will be hard to change things around, but you can push for more information and time with your dc

Have you sent in stamped addressed envelops to the school so that you can also have there reports sent home?

Send in enough sae so that the school can send you all the letters home?

Through mediation can you pus for one school pick up and one school morning drop of so you have some contact with the school?

as others have said - do not not take your d back to their father, this will be very tough on the dc and would make any other parent not trust the one that refused to take the dc back after a visit which will set you back as a parent to the dc and ultimately the dc will suffer.

Try and do as many positive things to get your life intwinded with your dc lives

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