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VERY amicable split. No grounds for divorce, but both want one. Do we have to wait 2 yrs?

(52 Posts)
CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Fri 04-Jan-13 17:57:57

XH moved out in Aug. We have sorted money, childcare/contact and have a plan for assets.

We're both in new relationships (although no-one committed adultery).

It'd be nice to get it sorted.

Should we just cite some 'hair in plughole' shit to get the job done?

(And yes - we both definitely want a divorce)

m5lfh Mon 27-Oct-14 12:52:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsHelsBels74 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:40:10

Sorry, fight for the phone with DS1 meant pressed post too soon.

Anyway, we split up I started seeing someone else, we agreed he would divorce me on the grounds of adultery & I wouldn't contest it. We didn't have children so it was all very simple.

MrsHelsBels74 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:38:23

My first husband and I divorced on grounds of adultery on the basis that dating someone new whilst legally still married is adultery even though we were separated at the

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Tue 15-Jan-13 17:35:06

Thankyou - interesting site.

raenbow Tue 15-Jan-13 12:23:58

I am in similar situation, and have just filed for DV yesterdayI could use adultery as he has begun a relationship with someone else but he only started this after we separated ( I think while he's still married to me, that still counts but hey another difference between us!!)
Just found this list , I have highlighted the ones I think apply ( and will send him a copy) but hey I might even send him a copy and get him to pick his own!!

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 09-Jan-13 13:33:02

Thank you. I'm reading and thinking....

Xenia Mon 07-Jan-13 14:16:40

That;s true and as usually women have nothing and if the man has ah ouse even if he bought it after the divorce but the children need to be housed then even 10 years on if the finances are being sorted out that is what will happen.

I spoke to someone last week who had given the wife the only asset - house. She remortgaged and then spent loads of the equity and now rents. His argument is she had the assets at teh time of divorce and wasted them all. However if the chidlren's needs now require that they be housed even though she wasted all that money she still gets more than half of what is left now. Had they done a clean break and financial settlement 10 years ago he would not be in the position he now is in.

However I agree where people earn about the same even after having children and have about the same amount of assets then there are none of these risks - although if someone inherits or gets a massive bonus a few years down the line if there is not much other money than that and they have not settled things earlier they are at risk of losing that to the other spouse so I would think spending a bit of time getting finances sealed and stamped by the court is definitely worth it just for finality. On the other hand if your income and assets are likely to get less and less as time goes on you might well want to delay and/or if you think your ex wife who is a housewife will cohabit or remarry then hanging on until she does that is also a good tactic many go by.

Collaborate Mon 07-Jan-13 14:06:10

If all you have to argue about is a car and household furniture you should be able to sort that out yourselves. If you can't reach an agreement is wouldn't be sensible for either of you to take it to court.

Spero Mon 07-Jan-13 13:52:57

The court looks to make a fair division of assets in ancillary relief proceedings. There is no automatic entitlement to anything. Court will look at all circumstances of the case, including whether assets were acquired while you were still living together or not. I think it very unlikely in this day and age you can pop up years down the line and start claiming maintenance or lump sums, particularly if you are both living with other people and you have no major assets anyway. This may have had more relevance when women gave up jobs/pensions etc on marriage and were left dependent for rest of their adult lives.

I agree it is better to be safe than sorry, but it doesn't look as if this is a risk for you in the circs you describe.

Xenia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:55:05

I think in Scotland it is assets at date of separation and in England at date of divorce but it is certainly worth having a sealed financial consent order as soon as possible at the time of divorce and not 10 or 12 years later. In one case a barrister paying his first wife maintenanec for 30 yeras !! had not had a clean break order and she applied to increase the amount even though he had had a new wife for years. His very first wife won and it was based on his income 30 years on. Slightly different point as they had a financial settlement of support payments, not a clean break but it is similar.

ravenAK Sun 06-Jan-13 22:43:34

Two friends of mine in similar circumstances ended up flipping a coin as to who divorced the other on grounds of adultery - both hated the idea of being the petitioner.

The dw lost the toss, asked for a divorce on the grounds of her h's adultery - her own was never mentioned by mutual agreement - & it all went through quickly & painlessly.

You could do something similar if you can agree which of you is going to divorce the other?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Sun 06-Jan-13 22:32:46

Thanks so much for taking the time to advise me on this. I really appreciate it. I'm going to do nothing for the time being. Xh isn't really the kind of dick to start pulling dodgy stunts in 18 months time, so I guess I'll just leave well enough alone for now.

Spero Sat 05-Jan-13 22:03:30

Not sure you would still have claims against each other - if you have separated and have other partners, you don't automatically get entitled to assets acquired post separation.

Better safe than sorry I suppose but if only assets are car and furniture (£10K tops?) could be overkill.

But go see a sol and see what he/she says.

Xenia Sat 05-Jan-13 17:06:33

Spero, yes, but getting it sealed at court is very wise otherwise you can come back later to the other person to get more. So if she won the lottery next week or inherited £20m or he did they woudl still have claims against each other if they had not had an agreed consent order. You don't need a court hearing but it must be sealed by the court, rubber stamped by a judge. I was talking to someone this week who was separated/divorced 12 years ago and had no idea that there could still be claims against each other now as they had never bothered to finalise the divorce. Wife had been "given" the house - worth just under £1m at the time, spent about half the free equity since then so now has not enough to buy somewhere but now 12 years later wants a final divorce and to divide what they each have now, not what they had 12 years ago.

I agree it is worth getting a solicitor even if just to spend an hour drafting the divorce petition and then writing into legal language the financial consent order.

Spero Sat 05-Jan-13 16:14:02

If you can agree, you don't need to involve a court at all. Court proceedings are only for those who cannot agree or want to protect themselves from future disagreements. If your assets are limited to just furniture and a car, don't see much risk of either of you cutting up rough in the future. just divide them now.

The only problem is as I think someone has already said, the sudden lottery win. But as you are living apart and both have new partners, probably not much risk there either.

But see a good sol and get some advice from someone who has all the info in front of them.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Sat 05-Jan-13 13:53:46

Thanks everyone.

We rent. There isn't a mortgage. When I'm referring to our assets; it's the car and household furniture.

Will check back and re-read later. Thankyou.

Xenia Sat 05-Jan-13 13:44:45

Most people would just use unreasonable behaviour to be kinder to the partner. You could even draft the grounds together. Your lawyer sends the other the petition as a draft and the other spouse can ask for bits to be changed. It is basically divorce on demand.

Yes, get an agreed financial settlement (in our divorce we each kept our own pensions as you suggest you two might). You don't need a single court hearing and the agreed order is then put before the court who usually will just seal it unless it's totally unreasonable and then you have the clean break.

If he is happy with you keeping the debt and assets that's fine. If there is a loan on a house try to get that totally transferred to your name at the same time as it is unfair if he is stuck on the loan, has none of the benefits of the property and yet is unable to buy himself in due course another house to live in because he is stuck on your mortgage.

Spero Sat 05-Jan-13 12:53:12

If you both go and see sols you could draw up an agreement which can take force on decree absolute. But you must both get independent legal advice if you want it to stick. And it isn't automatically binding on a court, which retains jurisdiction - but the trend of the last decade has been to accept pre and post nuptial settlements as binding,providing both parties know what they are doing and aren't put under pressure.

I think you should see a solicitor, hopefully you can sort this out in an hour or so if your affairs are relatively simple, no off shore trusts or anything like that.

Spero Sat 05-Jan-13 12:49:28

I have only seen four petitions rejected in about 10 years! All at PRFD. But most recent was 2010. It certainly isn't likely but it could happen and I would be wary of any solicitor who advises you can get away with some bland allegations.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Sat 05-Jan-13 07:38:44

Thank you everyone. So would it make sense to draw up a financial agreement now (how? Solicitor?) and then do 2 years seperation in aug 2014?

Collaborate Fri 04-Jan-13 23:05:43

Some judges used to want significant details if UB but in my local court the judges have been told to allow the mildest of behaviour allegations. What court do you practice in Spero? If your judges are still rejecting mild petitions they are very much behind the times.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:24:46

Sorry, scaevola is right, unless everything has changed in the last few years... You can't divorce by citing adultery that has happened in the past but you have stayed together afterwards.

Spero Fri 04-Jan-13 21:16:52

And I agree, you will probably be fine with some vague allegations of bad behaviour but I have seen a couple of petitions batted back by a District Judge who didn't find them 'bad' enough - which was a real shame because the petition had deliberately been kept fairly neutral to try and keep the lid on an already fraught emotional situation.

Once the allegations got ramped up, the other side decided to cross petition and costs doubled. Its all ridiculous. I have no problem whatsoever with no fault divorce.

But hopefully that won't apply to you. Try to come up with some allegations you can both live with - he worked too hard, didn't pay attention to me, forgot my birthday etc, etc.

Spero Fri 04-Jan-13 21:13:34

I interpret the statute as clearly linking the adultery and whether or not you find it tolerable. i,.e. you can't just say 'my partner committed adultery' on its own.

An interesting debate but probably of little use to the op or anyone else in this situation.

You will probably get your petition if you cite adultery... it just all seems a bit messy? Why do it if you don't need to? If it is all so amicable, why the need for 'closure' ?

I agree it would be good to nail down finances now in case of sudden lottery wins but you can sort that out now via agreement, just both get independent legal advice.

NotMostPeople Fri 04-Jan-13 21:12:16

I divorced my ex on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, which we was by mutual consent if that makes sense. I sat down with my solicitor and explained that ex was a workaholic who put his job above all else and the divorce went through less than a year from us splitting up. I'm not convinced that you need tot have stronger grounds ie abuse or similar.

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