Confuse and fear over re housing my DC's(25 Posts)
Please bear with me. I am really confuse as to what to do in such situation. i live in Wales, DC's are fluent and goes to Welsh school too same as DH's families. DH has begin divorce proceedings i need to move out of Wales and live in England where i will be close to friends. Solicitors were giving me their perception on how the court will view the situation if i decide to move to England. Bristol is not my choice! I am stuck,similar situation of being in houe arrest. WE still have not sorted finances and child custod yet. Whatever the maintenance will be i am not interested to live in Wales anymore!
Solicitors also mentioned that if DH has his families to help out to care for the children as DH has a demanding job and work on some weekends and weekdays till late nights than he too can have shared custody rather than me having custody and DH to have contacts and visitation rights.
I am happy for the DC to have as much contact as possible with their father but his job is too demanding and he stays at his work accomodations from mon-fri and comes home on weekends when he is not working some weekends and being on stand by call.Therefore, i have always had them and since i am a stay home mum it was all discussed when we had our 1st child that i would stay home to care for them.
If the in laws get involve in helping out DH in caring for children than the chances for me to leave Wales or starting somewhere fresh would be non existence.
Besides MIL always went to care for her other grandchildren age 0 and 4 most weeks and MIL also works part time. If DH asks her to care for our children too on some days a week it would be a disaster to MIL to split between her own commitment with work and the other set of grandchildren that she always had cared for.
I have no family in England or wales just close friends, very close friends in London but i was not going to live in London either but somewhere my friends could travel to see me and be there if i needed them in emergencies as i will not have my H anymore to hold my back.
To be very honest, i want my H to come back to us, spend time in our new house and new place away from his family and country and be there for each other like we always used to be before we moved to WAles to accomodate his job.
Please shed some light, Not planning to move from our family house till the house is sold and finances are sorted!
So confuse and distressed!
You should listen to the legal advice
It's not about you and what you want.... Your post mentions only you. What would be best for your children??
The question I have is if your H is unable to see the children anyway apart from weekends, and on some of those weekends he is on standby, would it make any difference to him where he goes to see them on the weekends he could have contact? If you have moved to Wales for his job, that implies he needs to be based there and it would make contact difficult if you moved away with the children.
Also, how old are your DC? It does sound as though they would be unsettled and upset moving away from their schools, friends, grandparents and wider family.
From a practical point of view, in financial terms you will certainly get a lot more for your money in Wales than anywhere in the South West/South/London.
How sure are you that your friends will be able to step in and help you in the way you imagine? I don't suppose you see that much of them at the moment. You have to be realistic about what other people can do for you, especially if they have never fulfilled that kind of role and aren't very familiar with your children.
It does sound as though you would be better off in the same area. You have moved there and lived there for a while, presumably you have made some friendships there?
You might want to move away for a fresh start, but you have to think about whether that would be the best thing both for you and the children.
Remember that contact with a non-resident parent is to maintain a relationship with that parent. Not with the grandparents. If your children can only have contact with their dad every other weekend because of his work, well that'll have to suffice.
If they can't have contact with their dad, then they should be with you.
Reverse the genders and write that post as if he was proposing to move the children far away and think how you would feel about it. I think he could get a prohibited steps order stopping you moving but I might be wrong. Perhaps consider how you might get a job in Wales as money is obviously going to be harder to find now you are splitting up.
Yes, this post is about me moving away to rehouse my 6yr olds. Moving away to start my own life again. Moving away so i won't be miserable and depress so much that it is effecting the fun loving mummy they had before.
Moving away to show my children i can hold the fort without their father.
At present i am blady miserable!
I understand this is not good for my health in long term, i am very good in keeping things very amicable infront of my DC's, for their sake! The H family is here, his job is here although it may change from south wales to north wales, it will always be Wales. Distance from here to anywhere outside is astronomical! All involves driving about 3 to 4 hours if we decide to go on holidays anywhere at all!
I agreed to be here because of H since H is no longer in my life perhaps i should learn to live my life with my DC's away from H and his opinionated mind!
I know this is not a competition to show who is better and who is bitter but i can't live a miserable life here any longer! I have sacrificed too much and i am hoping i could build my life again with whatever left in me (strength)!
All advices would be taken into consideration. thank you.
Your post is all I, I, I..... It's not about you!!
The dc are in school?
So the children loose everything?
Family home, a parent, family, friends, change school, the works.. To somewhere that you will be near friends, but not really because they live in London, but you wont be moving to London.
Have you even tried to make friends in your current location?
How long have you lived there?
Ah just seen... They are in welsh school, presumably learning the language too?
I just don't see how moving away from Wales would be any better for you. You can do all the things you describe - moving away from your H, holding the fort without him (it sounds as though you do that most of the time anyway) without actually uprooting them from everything they know.
Think carefully, especially about the practical side.
Finally, i get it!
There is no life beyond divorce for me other than being in this miserable place and meeting the same people around including his family who will be shopping at the same place and seeing them in the same town centre!
The friends i described in my post has been there for 13 years, yes, they will be able to step in an emergencies and yes, i am not planning to move to London but somewhere closer to travel to London.
At present i never had any help from his family not even when we were in good terms because i just coped!
Why does it feel so wrong to move on and build my life with my DC's in a place that "we" all could potentially be happier!
My DH lives away from home mon-fri in his bachelor pad (god knows who is he with) and comes home on fridays to play "happy family" with us. He is planning to do this after divorce and i should make it easier for him by living in this same place!
He moves to another town in August and to another accomodation but i just have to stay put here because of DC's school and Dc's friends and Dc's family and DC are only 6 going 7 next week. uprooting everything they have known for 6 years! And i am 40 been married for 8 years lived in wales for 4 years!
Making friends at current location is not a problem but i have never discussed private matters with mothers that i have known. BTW, most of them look very dignified from the outside and never really shared anything out of ordinary. I am not going to be the "one" to air my dirty laundry in public!
So, thank you for all the advice i shall not MOVE but live my miserable life to the fullest as possible and let nature takes it's course!
It is extremely likely he cannot stop you moving. Wales is very poor with few opportunities for anyone so it might be in the children's interests to move or he might want the chidlren to live with him. There is no reason they should live with a mother rather than a father.
Oh dear, I didn't mean for my reply to make you feel so! Now that you have added more info about the closeness of his family to your children (ie not very) and the disadvantages about continuing to live there, I would say moving when they still quite young is absolutely the best thing.
We had to move twice, when my daughter was 4 and then again at 8 (end of year 3) and both times were absolutely fine - an exciting adventure. However I know she would be really upset if we had to do it again now that she has started secondary school.
And as Xenia says, there will be more opportunities for employment and personal support if you move out of Wales and are closer to your friends, and they are very good reasons to move. Especially if you can demonstrate (if you even need to) how little support you have had from either him or his family.
Start planning - and get yourself good legal advice. You might find the information and links here helpful.
Was not trying to be a "martyr" just as a sensible mother on how to carry on with a life with DC's. Looking for some part time work in keeping with school times are very hard over here. How would i cope when i have very little child maintenance to live on? H claims the child benefit i know i need to speak with a solicitor about the benefit, the house and moving.
Soooo distressed, TBH i love the house and the place and the school my DC goes to. it is "perfect" but i also will see his family, his friends and his colleagues at the same shopping places and town centre's and after what my H must have ranted to them i doubt if they ever want to give me a nod or smile when i see them!
Do i care what other's think of me, ABSOLUTELY yes!
Thank you all for the advice shall argue my case from both sides.
He claims the cb??
Would he try and keep the dc with him?
If you're the primary caregiver (which you are), a happy mom will help your kid be happy. It might help if you phrase some of what you're looking for in those terms - you want more support, less isolation etc so that you have more energy and positivity for parenting!
DH admitted he is not sure how to survive this turmoil then again he called his solicitors to fail some papers for mediation process. I mentioned i have to see few solicitors for some advice next week to which he became all too sad and said he shall call me from his apartment because he is going in to work the next day.
When he called he said he is not sure how to go through this he wants to know if i am truly sorry for not talking to him socially for 2 months. We sat on the dinner table and discuss things about the children but i never spoke to him since he said i should stop sponging off him and should find a real job and go to work everyday like other mothers do.
TBH i have been working for 3years on weekends every fridays and saturdays unless he is busy on those weekends. Yet, it was not enough!
He wants me to contribute the money i earn to pay some household bills, i have been paying for DC's extra lessons which he knows about, been paying the house phone bill for 3 years as direct debit, which he knows whatever left i pay to the mothers union membership and some to go out with DC when DH is not around on weekends.
Yet, not enough, he said i am sponging off him! He said since he does not live in the house due to his work he does not have to pay for anything, not even petrol for the car. So i decided to stop talking altogether which has landed me towards a DIVORCE situation!
I have asked him to come out with me for one last date with me before i see the solicitors and he has agreed. Very, very sad situation!
He sounds like a lovely man, not.
I can quite understand you wanting to move away - especially if he isn't even going to be there most of the time. When he has his contact with the children then he can just as easily go to wherever you are as back 'home'.
Speak to HMRC about transferring the child benefit to you, and get a solicitor who is going to work for you and your children rather than wanting to ensure that your unpleasant sounding husband has his life minimally disrupted.
Well,i was living in a fairy land! He is very certain about wanting a divorce but still want to go to mediators to resolve some finances, house and contact with children. He gives me £700 a month for child maintenance. Dh comes home on certain weekdays and eats dinner with us and gobbles the snacks i have bought for the children and contributes nothing towards birthday presents or DC's birthday parties, apparently it is all my responsibilities! Dc's also have friends birthday parties to go to, all this are little expenses and i do not take them to all their friends parties only the 5 of their close friends. Dh says i should be able to manage providing food for him and the children with all the added expenses with £700. Dh pays the utilities and mortgage and Dh gets the child benefit too. Should i be grateful and say nothing when he finishes our food?
What would you ladies out there suggest?
i suggest you seek a good solicitor and start making things formal with regard divorce and contact arrangements for the children. Its likely you will have to get a job with more hours as courts generally dont give long term spousal maintenance these days but you will be entitled to a (large)share of any assets (if there are any), house etc, which form the marital pot, possible help with tax credits and so on
Dont be intimidated by him. Just because you may not have contributed as much financially does not mean you walk away with nothing.
You need to get a solicitor and start working towards a split and formal arrangements. Tell him that he wants a divorce he can have one, and that you with deal with him via solicitors only from now on.
Get a solicitor and divorce him, and get a proper settlement. He isn't paying you £700 a month if he is coming and eating at your house for 2-3 nights a week
It is all going to be over, i have seen the divorce petition papers in his bag awaiting for his signature before submitting it to the court to start the process.
Meanwhile, DH took my salary slip and hid it and didn't want to give it back to me untill i asked for it at the train station stating i have seen it in his bag as our DC decided to hide some of their toys in his bag for fun turns out i found my salary slip in his bag!
When asked of course he denied any knowledge of my payslip and finally, i have to tell him then that i know he has got it.
He said he was angry at the amount of money i was paid for all the little chores i did at work and i am screwing him financially. I said nothing just tears and left him at the station to catch his train back to his work accomodation.
Later, that evening he sent me a text to say sorry he took my payslip but can't stop thinking that i am screwing him financially but now his anger has turned into sadness!
I don't know how to reply to his text so i went to sleep in tears. Waking up this morning i thought he is trying to make up but we are always back to square one such as this money issues again. When i tried to explain yesterday the pay that he saw was payment over 2 months of work i did he refuse to hear it.Out of the £1000 i received this month i have given £700 back to my friend when i had to borrow some money from her as a down payment to a new piano for my DC, paid DC's swimming and piano and tennis lessons and i have to have enough to pay the home phone bills as direct debit. DH has told me long time ago that he will not pay for the extra lessons that DC go to and i have to foot their bills as it is me who wants all these activities. They have been having lessons for since 2010 since i got my self some part time job every friday and saturday night and some weekdays.
I get no sick pay or annual leaves and yet i am in the wrong for not declaring the £1000 pay for the first time!
Meanwhile, DH also has mentioned about this divorce petition that he has and wants to have one final chat with me before he submits it. The chat was for me to admit i was in the wrong all along and i would promise to be a better person in future if there is a future and i should never get disheartened about anything he does for his selfishness! i have to be really, really utterly sorry.
What should i do?
You go see a solicitor. You need some external help here, to understand what you would realistically be entitled to get and do. You need to be clear what you are entitled to, as your marriage is over.
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