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Do I end it and move on - or work at it some more?

(4 Posts)
GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 05-Dec-12 10:05:25

No it is not love. You have nothing in common and no shared values.

Without him you are finally mourning the loss of your previous relationship to your girls dad.

The man you met through his children is probably very much the man that was molded by his ex, the man you got to know as time moved on, with, his car, his friends, etc, is him .

Haruspex Wed 05-Dec-12 09:59:33

It's a hard one - but I think you've answered your own questions - you have little in common and if you're already noticing now how he doesn't do certain things for you, think how it might be in a year or so. The heartbroken feeling you had when you broke up was probably less heartbreak over him and more heartbreak over seeing a single future. Not that that's what your future will be, but in the here and now things can seem so painful. Many years ago I went out with this guy who irritated me and I had little in common with. For ages I wanted to end it, as he embarrassed me so much, and I never wanted to introduce him to my friends, but the thought of being on my own was too much. When he eventually ended it I was distraught. I thought it was because of him, but I think it was more because I didn't have a partner to turn to anymore. All I needed in the end was a few nights out meeting new men to flirt with and I felt a lot better.

And, on top of it all, your DDs aren't keen on him. I agree with DonkeysDontRideBicycles - I think you need to be unattached for a while to enable you to focus on what you need in life and in a partner. I'm hardy one to talk as I'm on another thread bellyaching about being single and missing my partner, but I really think you'd be a lot happier in the long term if you went back to just being friends (which may not be possible for a while).


DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Dec-12 02:37:24

Hello Scarey123,
Nothing wrong with asking advice, good a place like this exists where you can vent if you don't want to sound out rl friends.

I wonder if you both rushed into things the first time. It doesn't sound like you had much in common and your DDs weren't keen on him.

Maybe splitting up was a shock to the system and initially a disappointment. Perhaps it's better to wait and reflect a while, examine what you want and even be unattached for a while, rebuilding confidence and self worth, before considering trying again.

It must have seemed ideal moving on from friendship and recapturing some intimacy. Can I be blunt? It sounds less like love than a mutually satisfactory way of scratching an itch. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think you've convinced yourself.

Plus, depending on how old your daughters are, you've got to consider how they feel. I can't tell if your children are all still of school age or young adults by now. As their mother you are your girls' role model, they will pattern their later relationships on your example.

Of course you deserve some fun and I do wish you the best, but if you could "see no happy future" without the boyfriend you find so lacking in every department but the bedroom, you're not thinking straight.

Lot of traffic in the Relationships section if you want to consider asking to move this. Posters there don't pull their punches but there's some honest input.

Scarey123 Tue 04-Dec-12 15:35:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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