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Sad, upset, confused and scared

(3 Posts)
Haruspex Tue 04-Dec-12 09:01:21

Hi there,

After many years of me putting up with my husband's erratic, impulsive and addictive behaviour, I have finally decided to leave. We have been together 7 years, married for over 3, and have a ten month old daughter. Until Thursday we were buying a house together, helped by my parents with the deposit. My parents had sold their place, and the plan was for them to take over the tenancy on our current place whilst they looked for something more permanent (their plan was to help us with childcare with a view to moving abroad once our little one started school). But I just kept feeling we couldn't go on ploughing the same furrow, and really didn't want to spend all that money of my parents' only for us to split later on and for half the house to go to him.

Our completion (and exchange) date was this Monday, and as I'm already back at work my mum and dad had been staying with us so they could look after the baby. Over the summer, my OH's addiction problems had got so bad I'd had to tell my family. I tried leaving, but it seemed too messy, so I ended up going back to him, and my parents supported me, with the caveat, as long as I was happy. But once they were staying it got worse as my mum was shocked at how lazy he is. He's self employed, and the nature of his job means he has a gap of several hours during the day. He'd often come home, recline the sofa and boot up his laptop and not say hello to anyone, offer food or take the baby, other than to have her for ten minutes before putting her on her playmat and watching TV. I guess having other people there to see it meant I've been hyper-aware of his shortcomings. Last Thursday I came home, and I was crying about missing my baby. He just sat on his laptop and didn't come and comfort me. He'd also just spent £450 we don't have on a new laptop he didn't need. Something inside me just snapped and on Friday I pulled out of the house purchse.

As my husband refuses to leave our house, my parents have now found another place and I'm going to have to move in with them. OH announced ON FACEBOOK on Friday afternoon that I'd 'chucked him a divorce curveball' so now all my friends and family know about something I'd wanted to keep private. He's making out that it's my mum "dripping poison" into my ear. But the fact is my mum's the only one I can tell the truth to.

I spent Sunday at home with him and - of course - he was being loving and sweet and it made me so sad to think we're splitting up. But for the rest of this week I'm having to stay up in Bedford where my folks are staying with my aunt until we move into the new place. I hate being away from home and miss all the little things, like our names for each other and our in jokes. I still love him, but I just couldn't deal with the laziness, selfishness and his complete inability to recognise where he was wrong.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I just need to get it off my chest to people who have been through similar. I feel like such a loser moving back in with my folks, like everyone will be laughing at me. In an ideal world, I'd move into my own place, but I just can't afford to do that in London. On the way home last night I walked past the place we were meant to be buying, and could see the guy had all packed up and I just felt terrible. I just couldn't blow my parents' cash like that.

Noone at work knows, and I'll feel really awkward telling them as I work with two guys. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world!

Scarey123 Tue 04-Dec-12 16:30:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haruspex Wed 05-Dec-12 09:41:59

Thanks Scary123 for the advice - it is the thought of a better future that keeps me going. I was chatting to my dad last night and all the things I'd be able to do in the future and it was quite exciting...

It's really comforting to know there's people out there who have been through similar; right now I feel completely alone as all my friends are married and seem to have security.

We had another issue surface last night - seems my uncle (another man who does nothing - doesn't work, my aunt's out working 9-9 to pay for the house he spends all day in) doesn't want us staying, so my parents have had to book into a hotel and I'm going back to OH until we get the keys for the new place. It's rotten.

OH has booked a Relate session next Tuesday. On one hand I'm hoping it'll give him a new perspective and help him see where he's being unreasonable. On the other I'm worried he'll talk the counsellor round and she'll think I'm the unreasonable one. Honestly, he's so charming with new people they all fall for him - even the 'professionals'! He sent me this long message saying that he can't believe I'm giving up on the relationship so quickly! I pointed out I'd been sticking with it for nearly 7 years.

Thank you for the supportive words - they mean a lot xx

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