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Don't know how to cope

(6 Posts)
faye0310 Sat 01-Dec-12 21:28:51

Ok a bit long but got to get this off my chest.
My partner of 6 years has been acting off lately after lots of pestering from me found he has been texting someone from work (apparently just a laugh with her) but he eventually admitting to kissing her a couple of months back but swore nothing else happened, but said he has not felt happy for a while. We had a dd 2 years ago and he has said that all I have been for the past 2 years is a mam and I have not put much effort into the relationship with him (he is probably right to a certain extent).he also said he wasn't sure how he felt anymore and that maybe everything has just turned into habit for him!?
We bought our first home just over a year ago and have a dog. He decided last Saturday that it would be best if he went to stay at his mams for a bit to clear his head. This has been the worst week of my life.
He knows I love him and I have said I am willing to work to make this work but I'm not sure this is what he wants and it breaks my heart. I know you will all say I should not beg and keep my dignity but I have already broken down in front of him twice, I am trying to be strong but he is coming everyday to see our dd and he still hasn't told me if he is coming back or not.
I had so many plans of how my little girls second Xmas was going to be and this has hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I just can't imagine being alone and what do I do when he finds someone else coz I can't imagine not loving him. I keep thinking that if he did love me he would be here trying to make it work but he isn't
He is a very closed off person so it is very hard to get him to talk about his emotions so I feel like my head is all over the place as I dont know what he is thinking.
Never thought it would come to this and I feel like nothing I say or so is goin to help.
Sorry ladies, needed to get it all out!

jewel1 Sun 02-Dec-12 10:09:27

I am so sorry to hear about your awful week, you must be feeling dreadful. At the moment you need supportive family and friends, ie: people who know and care about you both and not those who are just going to run him down as it does sound as if he's being quite selfish on the face of it and possibly having some massive doubts. The 'friend' texts are obviously a concern and you have got to be strong and get some honest answers about what is going on. He may be having a 'Peter Pan moment' Wife/child/mortgage/dog vs lack of responsibility etc. The fact that he is coming back everyday to see his daughter shows he knows there is no longer such a thing. Please please try and be strong when he comes: calm and controlled. This is about him, not you and if you get too emotional he is only going to be able to off load his angst further onto you and not take responsibility for his wobbly-ness. It might not seem it but you are holding it together (literally holding the baby - and dog!) he isn't , he's frightened. I'm not into game playing but it wouldn't hurt to actually leave your little one with your mam and not be there and go and have a splurge at the shops with your mates when he next visits. Whatever happens I'll be thinking of you and I hope it all works out.
With love xx

faye0310 Sun 02-Dec-12 19:33:16

Thank you so much for your kind words. Today has been much better,, like you said I was calm and controlled not constantly asking him questions and going over the same things again. I have just thought ok just get on with it what will be will be and I should start getting used to being in my own in case he decides not to come back.
I hadn't thought of it the way you said I am the one holdin it together with the house the dog and toddler and he has felt the need to leave. Hopefully I can stay this strong or at least make sure I'm on my own when I do have a melt down!! X

Haruspex Tue 04-Dec-12 09:24:12

You poor thing, it sounds like you've had a real shock. I think you'll find your feelings come in waves - one day you'll feel quite on top of things, and the next you'll find yourself coming on all teary in the middle of the queue at the John Lewis checkouts! Agree you must try and be calm when he comes to see DD, but I know how difficult it must be. He is being selfish, and maybe after a while of living with his mother he'll see that. Hard as it is, all you can be is as strong and as calm as possible, but if he's not made a decision within a couple of months you're going to have to ask him to make his intentions clear. Just remember you're never alone; it's times like these that friends and family really step up to the mark, and you've always got this forum for a good cathartic rant! xx

YoungatHart Mon 10-Dec-12 07:36:16

Hi I'm not sure if this will help you or not but here's my story - my dh did the same thing, caught him texting someone we were both friends with who was also married, I was devastated, he said he just wasn't feeling happy in our relationship at the time but still loved me and didn't want to leave. I forgave him (admittedly with the odd snidy remark now and again) and we carried on regardless. (My daughter was 3) 18 months later kind of out the blue he started an argument, said he couldn't deal with it anymore said he resented me for money problems we were having (I'm self employed and was losing work but my dd didn't go to school until Aug this was June) and said he had to leave for a bit and went to stay at hid mums (who cooks all his dinners and does his washing) 1yr and a half later he is still there and shows no signs at all of coming back. He gets to come here to get our dd and tell me whatever wee story about his day or week or whatever and be on his way, he thinks were friends and this weekend he told me he's going out on a date which has just broke my heart all over again. I emailed him last night though and told him he has to leave me alone he can still get dd but I don't want to be his friend it's too hard.
I know there is no advice in there but I'm just showing u ur not alone, time is a big help and I do think if u show him that ur not just going to be there for his every move he'll miss u and maybe come to his senses but I know better than anyone that is easier said than done :-( :-(
I really hope it works out for you x

faye0310 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:03:31

Thanks for that, although it is awful it is nice to know im not alone. He had DD today when i was at work and i have had enough of not knowing what is going on she had a talk to night. he said he has been trying to convince himself that this is where he should be and that he should be able to love me the way i deserve to be loved. i said the fact he was trying to convince himself says it all and that if he doesnt love me then it is pointless trying to make things work. To this he didnt really say anything
Anyway after alot of backwards and forwards he said that if i need an answer right now then he thinks we should split up. To be honest this is what i was expecting and so have sort of been preparing myself the past week or so so it hasnt hit me that hard.
I just didnt ever imagine this would happen x

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