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Any advice in how to proceed with difficult ex

(6 Posts)
Seth Wed 14-Nov-12 04:41:57

Hi. I was wondering if anyone could advise me on my best course of action. I'll try and keep it short..

V brief history - STBX left 3 years ago when i was pregnant and we are ( I am) just about to get round to divorce, finances etc. the only real asset is the house. I stated in the house and am still there with the DCs ( 2 and 5 ). He wants me to buy him out and if we can agree on a figure then that's my preferred choice too as my family is able to lend me some money-up to a point.

I have been to see a solicitor a while back who advised that I should work on/ aim for an 80/20 split of the equity. I have done some calculations and I might just be able to afford something around that figure ( the equity is very high due to v big increases in the area I live in -great normally but not so on this ocassion) .

I am going to make him the offer which is around 40k. I think he will refuse. What should be my next step after that? Would it be best to then just do everything through a solicitor? Can he actually refuse a 'decent' offer?

A few points.. i have already mentioned to him on email ( how we communicate about this) that I will be basing my calculations on 80/20 . He claims not to have taken legal advice and in his view we own the house 50/50 so surely that should be his split !

I have got it into my head that the only other option for me stating in the house with DCs is a mesher order ( which I don't really want but would do if I had to) . So, of he refuses my offer and I can't get hold of any more money then should I just then instruct a solicitor ?

We tried mediation once before and he was quite difficult and aggressive is not sure I want to try that again .

I am just a bit confused as to how it world and the next best step if he refuses my offer.

Seth Wed 14-Nov-12 04:44:27

Sorry about length of and errors in that post... Am doing this from iPhone and I wasn't able to preview or change the message! Any help gratefully received thanks! smile

Collaborate Wed 14-Nov-12 09:28:58

Look at s25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 - that lists the factors the court should take in to account if you can't agree.

This is an area where there is no substitute for good legal advice. It is too complicated to be dealt with by a message board. If the financial dispute reaches court the initial disclosure you provide is on a 28 page form.

80/20 might be right. Your solicitor will be best placed to advise you.

Husband can refuse any offer you make. The only element of compulsion comes with court proceedings, and a final order.

olgaga Wed 14-Nov-12 10:32:27

Not all of this will apply to you, but a lot of it will be useful background:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.


The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
Here is the guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:

and here:

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.


You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here: advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

Issues around contact are further explored here:

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:


Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

Handy tax credits calculator:

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

CAB Benefits Check:

Parenting issues:

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence and - Helpline 0808 2000 247 - Helpline 0844 8044 999 - Helpline 0808 802 0925
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

STIDW Sun 18-Nov-12 22:40:56

It is often a false economy not to instruct a solicitor. If you have tried mediation unsuccessfully it's unlikely you will be able to negotiate directly with your husband but you may be able to reach an agreement negotiating through a solicitor either instead of going to court or during court proceedings. In any case before any property or money changes hands you will need a solicitor to draft an agreement which when ratified by the courts is legally binding.

If your husband doesn't have a solicitor and you can communicate with him it might be worth trying to explain that in England & Wales equality in divorce settlements isn't necessarily a mathematical 50:50 split, it is about leaving both parties on a similar financial footing. For example, if you have expense of housing the children most of the time and your income is less than his you won't have the same mortgage raising capabilities as he does can justify sharing the equity in your favour. Perhaps you could suggest he doesn't need to believe you, but finding out from a solicitor where he stands and what options there are would mean he is negotiating from an informed position.

sarah341 Tue 27-Nov-12 08:14:57

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