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what do I do ?

(11 Posts)
probablyparanoid Tue 25-Sep-12 22:27:06

I am not divorced yet and we still live in the same house. Proceeding have not started as I wanted to agree all finances, arrangements with the children and the grounds etc beforehand so we are going through a difficult process of discussion. DH has just organised for 2 of the DC's to have an activity every weekend which would take up 1/2 of one day. He did not consult me but did agree it with a group of other parents involved. I found out through the grapevine. I don't object to the activity as such but it is timed such that I could not do anything else on that day with the DC's because it takes up all morning and this goes on indefinitely (beyond when we have hopefully in my mind split up when we will be on alternative weekends) . The other parents involved have agreed and have no idea that our relationship is on the rocks & I don't want to get into talking to them about this because it is embarrassing that he did not discuss it with me in the first place - I also don't want them to get into the nastyness of the whole thing.

I am livid but not even sure if this is reasonable to feel that way because at the end of the day the activity is not such an issue it is that he has pushed me into agreeing with his plans without being consulted in an underhand way. I also have a deep suspicion that he is trying to get control - I organise the kids lives in the main and always have done. Is this him trying to make a case for future residence?

I don't know what to do especially as this is in the context of what is supposed to be an amicable divorce.

Your thoughts would be a great help

quoteunquote Tue 25-Sep-12 22:38:38

Ask him if he does want an amicable divorce?

explain that the communication will have to improve significantly if that is going to be achievable,

If he is bulldozing you into arrangements you might be very optimistic about his and your ability to manage an amicable divorce.

i hope you can find a way to get through this, without damage, but be careful.

probablyparanoid Tue 25-Sep-12 22:53:58

That's a good suggestion - I will tell him that this is no way of things being amicable. I don't know if he wants an amicable divorce actually - he does not want a divorce at all and finds it v hard to discuss anything at all.

What do you mean by 'be careful' - do you think that this is dangerous behaviour ?

DuelingFanjo Tue 25-Sep-12 22:57:41

Can't you take them to the activity on your weekend?

probablyparanoid Tue 25-Sep-12 23:05:50

We are not in a weekend on/ weekend off situation yet as we live together but technically yes I could do it - however it is very much his thing and he would see it as an intrusion for me to do it - it would be seen as a deliberate attempt to stop him spending time with them.

GinandChocolate Tue 25-Sep-12 23:10:17

I think a certain amount of this type of behaviour is almost inevitable in a divorce. You see this as him trying to take control - that is the negative interpretation. He may see it as him organising things which possibly he is conscious that he has not done during your marriage. I know when my exH did this type of thing when we split up I resented it.

However you should try to think about whether this is an activity your DCs will enjoy. If so then consider that they may want to do it on "your weekends" as well as STBX's weekends. This is perfectly viable.

My DS does an activity every weekend. Generally whichever parent he is with that weekend takes him, but often his Dad will turn up on my weekends. It's a good time for a chat. I hated it at first but 4 years on and it's fine smile. It does help to make co-parenting easier if you can talk especially if there are difficult issues to address with DC.

And remember if DC don't like the activity it will die anyway so there will be nothing to worry about.

Things like this don't affect the residency decision. It is a weekend activity -try not to over estimate the impact. I always ask myself two questions 1. Are the DC happy with the outcome? and 2. How would I feel about the decision/plan if we were still together? The answers determine whether it is worth a discussion.

The best advice I was ever given is that in time all will be ok. I was told 5 years was a good estimate. In reality for me it took 3 but at least my expectations were set at a reasonable level. Good luck.

probablyparanoid Tue 25-Sep-12 23:24:58

Thanks for this - I am ok with the actual activity - so you are right I would be ok if we were not in a divorce situation and should calm down about it . The kids would enjoy it so not an issue there.

It is reassuring that it should not affect residency. It is an activity he would most likely do with them / supervise most of the time (not necessarily each time) - could that have an effect - could the court say 'oh they must do that with him every weekend'?

Also I was thinking of trying to make it a week day activity instead as he is supposed to have them one night in the week so was thinking of saying why not do it that night rather on the weekends? Is that reasonable? Would this mean that the courts would say they have to stay with him all the time on that week night?

Also the issue is that I don't want to be tied to doing it every week and he has set the expectation with the other parents without talking to me - I am considering speaking to them to change the perception without necessarily getting them involved in the divorce issue . Do you think I can do that - or should I get him to do it if he agrees - after discussing with him in a calmer way

Sorry - this is all a bit of a rant - feeling a little irrational!

probablyparanoid Tue 25-Sep-12 23:27:24

Also - 5 years - my god - I am murderous already - my reserves of patience have gone - I feel that I have lost the best years of my kids lives and my life in waiting for this man to get his life and priorities in order..another story

quoteunquote Tue 25-Sep-12 23:30:45

I meant protect your interests, protect your feelings, protect your relationship with your children,

and there was something about your OP that made me think he is in denial, because he either, hadn't thought it through, or had and did it anyway, either way you are not a priority.

which means that your stance on what is going on is annoying him,

and when people get annoyed with each other, they tend not to care how they treat that person or they want to treat that person in a way they think they deserve.

sorry, but sometimes when you are up to your neck in something, you can't get a good view, until you dig yourself out.

good luck and be careful.

probablyparanoid Wed 26-Sep-12 10:09:35

Thanks quoteunquote. You are right - he doesn't like what is going on. He has realised that I run the children's lives (without consulting him on the day to day although I would consult on anything major) and he does not like it. I have not done it deliberately but he is very disorganised and has just never organised things in their lives. It is good that he wants to organise things for the DC's now but I have to be careful that he does not take over.

Thumbwitch Wed 26-Sep-12 10:14:04

If he has never organised things in their lives before, then you may find that this falls on its face soon enough anyway. It does sound as though he is taking a stand, to show that he is capable of organising stuff for the children to do as well (I'm surmising that this forms part of your reason for divorcing him) - but he may not be able to keep up the momentum, especially if he has to do it by himself in the future.

I'd go easy on how you respond to it because it may not be much of an issue in a few months.

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